Insipid Ramble
I really have no way of putting into words how I feel about exchange.
Excitement? Maybe.
Apprehension? Possibly.
Frustration? Pretty much.
It's this entire mish-mash of feelings that's making me feel so unsure about it.
That's it. That's the word I was looking for - unsure.
I don't like not having a distinct disposition towards something I'm going to invest so much time, effort, and money into.
Spending time away from the people I love on something I'm unsure of?
That makes me very, very unsettled.
People say just go for it. It's going to be the time of your life! A different experience! A great experience! One you'll never get elsewhere!
Really? Really?
Call me cynical or unadventurous or whatever seems more appropriate but I feel like I'm going with the wrong motive. What is my motive? I don't have a fucking clue.
Pre-exchange planning has been painful. Nothing seems to be going smoothly. Is it me? Is it something else?
What is it that's making everything so difficult.
I feel like a horrible person. Am I being too much of a stickler over budget? Am I being a total party pooper?
But sometimes I wonder whether it's really just me.
I cannot believe and understand the extent of frustration this is causing me.
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME.
Really, really, really considering not going so all this frustration will just fuck off far far away.
Ya maybe I should really just take a leap of faith and back out.