(no subject)
Currently writing in the IT room which isnt a good idea as everyone can see this but whatever. *turns screen slightly towards the wall*
Anyhoo, lately I've felt really ill and ragged-y. I deactivated my facebook again, fuck you facebook, my desire to be lonely is so huge that I shall destroy thee. And so I have. Sort of. Deleted as much stuff off my profile as I could be arsed to, then scrapped it. I hate that thing. Instead I shall just communicate with people when I see them/text them etc. Maybe I'll send out the odd hotmail to my mates.
I really miss you guys right now, Lewis, Lewis, Sean etc. Going kinda madly sad with it all. I don't think I want to live at Marlborough road anymore and definitely am sick of drugs. Whenever I smoke weed I just want to be away from everyone in my house, they irritate me. To be honest they're interesting people to be around but I'm finding I just get sick of them all. As in the three of them. lol. I had magic mushroom tea yesterday, but I wasn't in the mood for it so tipped half of it away when nobody was looking, then spent about an hour watching my pupils dilate in the mirror before going to bed, sad.
I just wanna hang out with my friends Matt, Dave and Eli. Nobody else. All I care about down here is those three people. I'm struggling to create any artwork and struggling to keep up pretences that I'm happy.
I am not happy unless I am alone. Then I try to switch it, think, if I hang out with people all the time, I'll get used to it, become like them and enjoy it, but no. Unless the company works, I leave. To be alone, where the company works.
I'm so tired and achy and cold. I feel like everyone, including myself, is full of dogshit. There's a guy I fancy on campus but I can't even bring myself to believe that he could possibly on any level fancy me, and if he did, what the fuck could I offer him? That's how I feel right now, like a vacuous waste of space, like a tramp, like a gaunt, pale, unhealthy mess. I feel really, really Ugly. And am clearly incredibly self-involved.
The idea of being in a relationship with somebody seems lovely on one level but on the other, impossible. Like I'm incapable of being with ANYBODY. What a nightmare. And I miss my friends from Ruislip. I don't miss Ruislip, but I miss you lot. :(
My negative thoughts range from: Thinking it'd be better if I died. Thinking that I'm going to die whenever I walk round a corner or use the stairs. Think that whenever there's a shadow behind me it's leatherface or some murderer. God. All I think about is dying, or that I'm going to be killed, brutally, all the time. It's mental. Better off alone. Or with Matt, Dave and Eli. They actually make me feel somewhat human.
Fucks sake. Miss you guys. Loads. Can't wait 'til December.
Anyhoo, lately I've felt really ill and ragged-y. I deactivated my facebook again, fuck you facebook, my desire to be lonely is so huge that I shall destroy thee. And so I have. Sort of. Deleted as much stuff off my profile as I could be arsed to, then scrapped it. I hate that thing. Instead I shall just communicate with people when I see them/text them etc. Maybe I'll send out the odd hotmail to my mates.
I really miss you guys right now, Lewis, Lewis, Sean etc. Going kinda madly sad with it all. I don't think I want to live at Marlborough road anymore and definitely am sick of drugs. Whenever I smoke weed I just want to be away from everyone in my house, they irritate me. To be honest they're interesting people to be around but I'm finding I just get sick of them all. As in the three of them. lol. I had magic mushroom tea yesterday, but I wasn't in the mood for it so tipped half of it away when nobody was looking, then spent about an hour watching my pupils dilate in the mirror before going to bed, sad.
I just wanna hang out with my friends Matt, Dave and Eli. Nobody else. All I care about down here is those three people. I'm struggling to create any artwork and struggling to keep up pretences that I'm happy.
I am not happy unless I am alone. Then I try to switch it, think, if I hang out with people all the time, I'll get used to it, become like them and enjoy it, but no. Unless the company works, I leave. To be alone, where the company works.
I'm so tired and achy and cold. I feel like everyone, including myself, is full of dogshit. There's a guy I fancy on campus but I can't even bring myself to believe that he could possibly on any level fancy me, and if he did, what the fuck could I offer him? That's how I feel right now, like a vacuous waste of space, like a tramp, like a gaunt, pale, unhealthy mess. I feel really, really Ugly. And am clearly incredibly self-involved.
The idea of being in a relationship with somebody seems lovely on one level but on the other, impossible. Like I'm incapable of being with ANYBODY. What a nightmare. And I miss my friends from Ruislip. I don't miss Ruislip, but I miss you lot. :(
My negative thoughts range from: Thinking it'd be better if I died. Thinking that I'm going to die whenever I walk round a corner or use the stairs. Think that whenever there's a shadow behind me it's leatherface or some murderer. God. All I think about is dying, or that I'm going to be killed, brutally, all the time. It's mental. Better off alone. Or with Matt, Dave and Eli. They actually make me feel somewhat human.
Fucks sake. Miss you guys. Loads. Can't wait 'til December.