Money.....
So apparently money makes me sick.
Physically.
The other week, one of my flat mates was taken shopping by her not-really-involved dad. He spent around £400 on her. Buying her whatever she wanted. When she came home she has about ten dresses, a million tops and shoes, bikinis, handbags, jewellery everything. She left all the stuff in her room with the door unlocked so 'we girls' could rummage through and see what she'd got.
I was disgusted, as in, couldn't hide the look of disgust on my face, no matter what I did, I kept frowning and my top lip kept creasing upwards uncontrollably. And I didn't feel envious, or jealous or any of that. I felt gross. Like it was so fake. All of it, just MASSES of shopping, clothes, shoes, bags everything, all meaningless, all superficial, all aesthetic. Then I felt sick. I had to leave the room I felt so close to vomiting.
I was shocked and surprised at my reaction. I'd never reacted like that before, to shopping of all things. And I felt bad. I felt like I was really mean to react that way, when she was parading around showing off her, what really are, lovely dresses I just shrugged and went 'cool' or 'yeah that ones nice too'. I felt like such a cow, but she really didn't notice because she started encouraging me to wear more dresses and went through my stuff saying how cool this and that was etc, etc and how good L'd look in this or that, etc etc.
I felt weird about the feeling actually sick thing, but anyway, it was all forgotten by the morning.
THEN, today, about a week later now. My other flat mates start going on at me about my 'right' to sick pay for all the weeks I had off work for a broken ankle. The conversation went something like this:
FlatMates: You know you're probably entitled some sick pay corinne.
C: err, nah' I don't think so. I'm really part-time.
FM: You're still owed it. You work for them
C: I do two days a week. And I don't pay taxes.
FM: So, you'd get at least half-pay. You should ask.
C: I don't pay taxes though, I'm pretty sure I'm not owed any money from them.
FM: You should still ask, what if you are? You could get like £400 and than you'd be like "fuck yeeeeah!"
C: I'm good thanks. I really don't care about money.
FM: *silence*
C: I know I know, that makes me sound stupid but I'm ok for money, I've got my loan, I've got work I really don't need it.
FM: But what if you did?
C: But I don't.
FM: But what if you did? What if you had a family and broke your leg? What if you didn't have your loan? What would you do then?
C: If I had a family I'd be paying taxes, if I wasn't a student and didn't have a loan I'd be paying taxes and working full-time. Of course I'd be entitled it then. I'd be fucked otherwise.
FM: Exactly.
C: What?
FM: You know if you don't ask you could be ruining it for somebody else.
C: Look, I really don't care. I don't want to cause a problem at work.
FM: You wouldn't be. You'd be doing the right thing. When I worked at M&S they'd do everything not to pay somebody, I know about this stuff, you should take what you can.
C: There's nothing to take, I swear! I'm not entitled to anything, I work two days a week, am a student so don't pay taxes and have a massive loan to live off. I ain't exactly struggling. I don't give a shit about money. Honestly, it causes so many problems, and I know about that stuff too.
FM: But if you don't ask you won't get sick pay, therefore you could possibly be ruining it for somebody else who wants to ask for sick pay.
C: How? They're not my problem.
FM: But if you've asked beforehand, they'll have a stronger case.
C: What? Look, that persons situation would be totally different from mine, the two, in no way, go hand in hand.
FM: You should still ask.
C: Ok well I'll ring Head Office then.
FM: No! Ask you're manager!
C: Look, I really don't care about this. I really don't care about this potential money.
FM: We're only looking out for you.
C: I know, but to be honest, I don't want the money. Money sucks, it totally ruins everything.I know this! For a fact! And I can do without chasing some petty cash that I don't even need and am almost certain I am not entitled too. Fucking money for fucks sake, it's just cash, just fucking numbers ruined my life for an entire year for fucks sake... *leaves room in a huff muttering*
Now, why did I get so offended? Afterwards I rang my dad and he said I'm probably not entitled due to the fact that I don't pay taxes, but should ring Head Office (Not my manager...) and ask them. So I'll do that. Bu again, I felt a strong, unexpected emotion. Not sickness this time, but anger, actual frustration, then annoyance and then sadness. When i was in the kitchen with the boys I wanted to tell them to shut up and stop talking about it, then when I left the room I felt like crying. Why does money bother me so much? Money in excess I think it is.
I think money in excess bothers me. But I don't know what this means. Maybe I'll work it out, I'll keep writing down my thoughts and feelings in my little book and see what comes up.
But I'm finding it all very odd and don't really understand any of it. Maybe I am jealous. But I don't think so. I didn't want any of the things my friend was bought, I wanted to get away from them if anything. I didn't even want to touch the stuff it made me feel so physically ill in my stomach.
Weird. We'll see. But I really don't want to talk about money. Ugh.
The Cozzienan - Wishes there was a '3' in her Uni ID Name.
Physically.
The other week, one of my flat mates was taken shopping by her not-really-involved dad. He spent around £400 on her. Buying her whatever she wanted. When she came home she has about ten dresses, a million tops and shoes, bikinis, handbags, jewellery everything. She left all the stuff in her room with the door unlocked so 'we girls' could rummage through and see what she'd got.
I was disgusted, as in, couldn't hide the look of disgust on my face, no matter what I did, I kept frowning and my top lip kept creasing upwards uncontrollably. And I didn't feel envious, or jealous or any of that. I felt gross. Like it was so fake. All of it, just MASSES of shopping, clothes, shoes, bags everything, all meaningless, all superficial, all aesthetic. Then I felt sick. I had to leave the room I felt so close to vomiting.
I was shocked and surprised at my reaction. I'd never reacted like that before, to shopping of all things. And I felt bad. I felt like I was really mean to react that way, when she was parading around showing off her, what really are, lovely dresses I just shrugged and went 'cool' or 'yeah that ones nice too'. I felt like such a cow, but she really didn't notice because she started encouraging me to wear more dresses and went through my stuff saying how cool this and that was etc, etc and how good L'd look in this or that, etc etc.
I felt weird about the feeling actually sick thing, but anyway, it was all forgotten by the morning.
THEN, today, about a week later now. My other flat mates start going on at me about my 'right' to sick pay for all the weeks I had off work for a broken ankle. The conversation went something like this:
FlatMates: You know you're probably entitled some sick pay corinne.
C: err, nah' I don't think so. I'm really part-time.
FM: You're still owed it. You work for them
C: I do two days a week. And I don't pay taxes.
FM: So, you'd get at least half-pay. You should ask.
C: I don't pay taxes though, I'm pretty sure I'm not owed any money from them.
FM: You should still ask, what if you are? You could get like £400 and than you'd be like "fuck yeeeeah!"
C: I'm good thanks. I really don't care about money.
FM: *silence*
C: I know I know, that makes me sound stupid but I'm ok for money, I've got my loan, I've got work I really don't need it.
FM: But what if you did?
C: But I don't.
FM: But what if you did? What if you had a family and broke your leg? What if you didn't have your loan? What would you do then?
C: If I had a family I'd be paying taxes, if I wasn't a student and didn't have a loan I'd be paying taxes and working full-time. Of course I'd be entitled it then. I'd be fucked otherwise.
FM: Exactly.
C: What?
FM: You know if you don't ask you could be ruining it for somebody else.
C: Look, I really don't care. I don't want to cause a problem at work.
FM: You wouldn't be. You'd be doing the right thing. When I worked at M&S they'd do everything not to pay somebody, I know about this stuff, you should take what you can.
C: There's nothing to take, I swear! I'm not entitled to anything, I work two days a week, am a student so don't pay taxes and have a massive loan to live off. I ain't exactly struggling. I don't give a shit about money. Honestly, it causes so many problems, and I know about that stuff too.
FM: But if you don't ask you won't get sick pay, therefore you could possibly be ruining it for somebody else who wants to ask for sick pay.
C: How? They're not my problem.
FM: But if you've asked beforehand, they'll have a stronger case.
C: What? Look, that persons situation would be totally different from mine, the two, in no way, go hand in hand.
FM: You should still ask.
C: Ok well I'll ring Head Office then.
FM: No! Ask you're manager!
C: Look, I really don't care about this. I really don't care about this potential money.
FM: We're only looking out for you.
C: I know, but to be honest, I don't want the money. Money sucks, it totally ruins everything.I know this! For a fact! And I can do without chasing some petty cash that I don't even need and am almost certain I am not entitled too. Fucking money for fucks sake, it's just cash, just fucking numbers ruined my life for an entire year for fucks sake... *leaves room in a huff muttering*
Now, why did I get so offended? Afterwards I rang my dad and he said I'm probably not entitled due to the fact that I don't pay taxes, but should ring Head Office (Not my manager...) and ask them. So I'll do that. Bu again, I felt a strong, unexpected emotion. Not sickness this time, but anger, actual frustration, then annoyance and then sadness. When i was in the kitchen with the boys I wanted to tell them to shut up and stop talking about it, then when I left the room I felt like crying. Why does money bother me so much? Money in excess I think it is.
I think money in excess bothers me. But I don't know what this means. Maybe I'll work it out, I'll keep writing down my thoughts and feelings in my little book and see what comes up.
But I'm finding it all very odd and don't really understand any of it. Maybe I am jealous. But I don't think so. I didn't want any of the things my friend was bought, I wanted to get away from them if anything. I didn't even want to touch the stuff it made me feel so physically ill in my stomach.
Weird. We'll see. But I really don't want to talk about money. Ugh.
The Cozzienan - Wishes there was a '3' in her Uni ID Name.