Rant ahead. I'm putting it behind a cut because it's giant.
I got yanked out of the proverbial closet by my mother today (yesterday). See, this is exactly why you should never, ever, ever let your parents get Facebook.
Of course, she made it into a huge deal: she wrote me a letter which she told me to read when no one was around. It was the sappiest thing ever, about how I would soon be meeting lots of people ("some guys, some girls") who would probably break my heart, and that I would probably break some hearts myself, etc. etc.
She was out of the house while I was reading it, so I went on Facebook and wrote a public dramatic confession. It was time to do so. I just wish my mom hadn't sped up the process.
Then I went upstairs and fell asleep for 6 hours.
I wasn't intending on waking up at all, but my mom came up to my room and tried to talk to me. I think she thought I was doing my "I'm pretending to be really exhausted because I don't want to engage in conversation" thing, but I wasn't - I was genuinely so exhausted from the day's delightful festivities. At some point, she said, "I haven't told your dad yet."
I didn't freak out too much at this, because I was so goddamn tired, but it did piss me off. It's not her place to tell my dad. Hell, I wasn't even going to tell my dad. I don't think he'd care, because I don't even really talk to him about the mundane things, like school and the weather. So why would he want to know about his daughter's sexuality?
(I'm not blaming him for this lack of communication, at all. It's a personality compatibility thing. We're both Tauruses.)
And then she's like, "I read your note on Facebook." There was a pause. She continued, "I think a lot of people are going to read it."
I mumbled into my pillow, "That's why I wrote it."
Then she got all teary and stupid and mom-like.
Then I got a note from Creepy Stalker Guy in my Facebook inbox asking me if I was attracted to Mishi, now that I am bi. Because apparently, sexuality is something you just flip like a switch, and when you do, you suddenly fall in love with people you never even considered being attracted to before. Yeah right.
The short answer to that query is: no, I'm not in love with her, because I've known her for almost a decade, and thus, I know everything about her. The good, the bad, everything. I don't think I could fall in love with someone like her. God knows I love her dearly as a friend, but she can be immensely self-centered and it's just not going to happen. Not now, not ever.
CSG probably just wanted to get his rocks off on the image of Mishi and I making out. Sigh.
Whenever I'm having a day where I don't feel quite "like myself," I usually end up shaving some body part you're not supposed to shave. I don't know why. Maybe it accentuates my detachment. So I shaved my upper arms. Then I planned out my outfit for tomorrow, which is distinctly feminine, because I need that right now. I need to assure myself I'm still a girl, I'm still me.
I really wish my mom didn't have to make such a fucking big deal out of everything. And I wish she wouldn't cry all the damn time. This is not something to cry about. If anything, it's something to be happy about, because your daughter did not just tell you she's moving in with her girlfriend and never getting married or having babies, just to piss you off. Your daughter just told you (or, rather, you just extracted information electronically without permission) that she is also attracted to women, sometimes, off and on. That's NOT something to cry about! And when you cry, it makes me want to cry too! And I don't even want to cry! I just want to cry because you're crying, and I can't get over how fucking stupid that is!
Tomorrow, Creepy Stalker Guy will likely approach me in between classes to awkwardly congratulate me on "finding myself" or some such bullshit. Some girls will look at me weird. Some girls will try to high-five me. Some girls will quietly and shyly approach me to ask questions like, "How do you know if you're bisexual/lesbian?" "How did you get the courage to tell your parents?" "Does being attracted to women mean you're a lesbian for sure?" (I've been very surprised at how often I've told one of my female friends about my bi-ness, and she has responded, "That's so cool. I've been thinking I might be bi too." Just goes to show that most of us are, in some way.)
There are so many things in my life now that will never go back to the way they were.
That's why I didn't want to tell my mom right away. I didn't want things to change, or to get awkward.
I didn't want her to fucking cry because her little girl is growing up.
I just get so sick of her shit.