Let me explain my duality.
Everyone needs to come to understand my duality.
I AM a college kid with the social life who wants to party and hang out and go crazy.
I AM the dedicated girlfriend who works fulltime and wants to plan the rest of my life with this guy.
...why is that not okay with the general public?
My boyfriend tends to understand that I have friends, and my friends tend to understand that I have my boyfriend.
See, when it was just Alex and I most of the time, occassionally one or two friends who know us inside and out as a couple, like, nothing suprised them.... now that my friends are back in the picture, it's like... I have to actually please people again... like, I've never before in my life felt like I needed to PLEASE someone the way I do now, which is ridiculous, because, ya know what? There's only one person that I talk to now that I wasn't talking to a few months ago, and the rest of them I've called and talked to over the time, and I've hung out with from time-to-time, and ya know... just because I'm in a relationship doesn't always make me the one that's responsible for the fact that them and I didn't hang out.
Not saying it's NOT my fault, I'm just saying, phones work both ways. Lately, especially now that I'm back in the picture, i've had two people tell me, "dude, I'm so happy that you're hanging out and stuff again..." and like... idk... I just feel like, when I leave from hanging out because Alex gets home from work, I'm being judged. It's like, idk... I can't describe it.
I just don't want you people to get me twisted.
I love my friends, and I love that you guys are in my life/back in my life, but I need you guys to know that I Love My boyfriend. Alex and I are planning a house and kids, and... that makes it hard for us to get to see each other. As hard as it may be for you to believe, I've actually seen one or two of you more recently than I've seen my boyfriend. We're both working, between that, and school, and me baby sitting on the side for extra money... we don't have that much time for each other.
So, if something comes up out of the blue, and I have the ability to go see my boyfriend, I probably will. I mean, if we're eating lunch, I'll finish lunch, smoke a boagie, and go to see my boy.
It's not because I don't want to hang out with you guys, I DO, and I'm with you, it's just that... I feel like none of you have the duality that is my life.
I'm just worried that I'm goinig to get judged as a bad friend because of how my life is right now. Maybe it wasn't the best time to rekindle friendships, but it's just going to get harder for me from this point on... and... idk... somethings under the skin of it all are worrying me.
So, I survived yet another Valentine's Day.
It is, in fact, the hardest day for me to get through every year.
For those of you who don't know/never thought it important to remember, Valentine's Day is the last day I got to speak to my grandfather while he was in the hospital.
The nurse told us that he would probably be home in the next four-five days, and that he was getting better, and they were hopeful that his cancer would go into remission.
Three days later he was dead.
I didn't get to speak to him in those three days, so the last thing I remember saying to him was, "I'll see you soon! I love you! When are we going for Ice Cream?"
...most people don't understand how upset I get over my grandfather's death. Like, I started crying just typing this. People don't get it, because, no matter how much you love your grandparent, in most cases, it'll never be like him and I. My grandfather was my father, in a sense, he was my protector from an abusive man, he was my safety.
He was not the best human being on earth. He was a smoker, a stoner, enjoyed a drink every once in a while, did some crappy things in his time, but ya know what... imagine that you're nine years old. You should be young and niave, but you're not. You're aged, tainted, too-gripped-to-have-fun. Barbies have no appeal, and you think the idiots pretending to be happy families are nothing but morons who haven't had enough time to realize that no one's as happy as ken and barbie and that the idiot family shows on t.v.? They're not real.
When you're that young, and someone dies... you shouldn't feel scared, or lost, or alone. You should feel sad, a little confused, but... not scared.
I can't type anymore.
Richie isn't answering me.
I've called him twice today, IMed him a million times... idk.
Whoopie Goldberg makes me angry... and Goldberg is a jewish last name... Whoopie's a jewish negra.
g'night.
<3 Corey Lynn.
(I'll probably read this tomorrow and be mad at myself for saying it all, but whatever, fuck it.)
I AM a college kid with the social life who wants to party and hang out and go crazy.
I AM the dedicated girlfriend who works fulltime and wants to plan the rest of my life with this guy.
...why is that not okay with the general public?
My boyfriend tends to understand that I have friends, and my friends tend to understand that I have my boyfriend.
See, when it was just Alex and I most of the time, occassionally one or two friends who know us inside and out as a couple, like, nothing suprised them.... now that my friends are back in the picture, it's like... I have to actually please people again... like, I've never before in my life felt like I needed to PLEASE someone the way I do now, which is ridiculous, because, ya know what? There's only one person that I talk to now that I wasn't talking to a few months ago, and the rest of them I've called and talked to over the time, and I've hung out with from time-to-time, and ya know... just because I'm in a relationship doesn't always make me the one that's responsible for the fact that them and I didn't hang out.
Not saying it's NOT my fault, I'm just saying, phones work both ways. Lately, especially now that I'm back in the picture, i've had two people tell me, "dude, I'm so happy that you're hanging out and stuff again..." and like... idk... I just feel like, when I leave from hanging out because Alex gets home from work, I'm being judged. It's like, idk... I can't describe it.
I just don't want you people to get me twisted.
I love my friends, and I love that you guys are in my life/back in my life, but I need you guys to know that I Love My boyfriend. Alex and I are planning a house and kids, and... that makes it hard for us to get to see each other. As hard as it may be for you to believe, I've actually seen one or two of you more recently than I've seen my boyfriend. We're both working, between that, and school, and me baby sitting on the side for extra money... we don't have that much time for each other.
So, if something comes up out of the blue, and I have the ability to go see my boyfriend, I probably will. I mean, if we're eating lunch, I'll finish lunch, smoke a boagie, and go to see my boy.
It's not because I don't want to hang out with you guys, I DO, and I'm with you, it's just that... I feel like none of you have the duality that is my life.
I'm just worried that I'm goinig to get judged as a bad friend because of how my life is right now. Maybe it wasn't the best time to rekindle friendships, but it's just going to get harder for me from this point on... and... idk... somethings under the skin of it all are worrying me.
So, I survived yet another Valentine's Day.
It is, in fact, the hardest day for me to get through every year.
For those of you who don't know/never thought it important to remember, Valentine's Day is the last day I got to speak to my grandfather while he was in the hospital.
The nurse told us that he would probably be home in the next four-five days, and that he was getting better, and they were hopeful that his cancer would go into remission.
Three days later he was dead.
I didn't get to speak to him in those three days, so the last thing I remember saying to him was, "I'll see you soon! I love you! When are we going for Ice Cream?"
...most people don't understand how upset I get over my grandfather's death. Like, I started crying just typing this. People don't get it, because, no matter how much you love your grandparent, in most cases, it'll never be like him and I. My grandfather was my father, in a sense, he was my protector from an abusive man, he was my safety.
He was not the best human being on earth. He was a smoker, a stoner, enjoyed a drink every once in a while, did some crappy things in his time, but ya know what... imagine that you're nine years old. You should be young and niave, but you're not. You're aged, tainted, too-gripped-to-have-fun. Barbies have no appeal, and you think the idiots pretending to be happy families are nothing but morons who haven't had enough time to realize that no one's as happy as ken and barbie and that the idiot family shows on t.v.? They're not real.
When you're that young, and someone dies... you shouldn't feel scared, or lost, or alone. You should feel sad, a little confused, but... not scared.
I can't type anymore.
Richie isn't answering me.
I've called him twice today, IMed him a million times... idk.
Whoopie Goldberg makes me angry... and Goldberg is a jewish last name... Whoopie's a jewish negra.
g'night.
<3 Corey Lynn.
(I'll probably read this tomorrow and be mad at myself for saying it all, but whatever, fuck it.)