Just end it..

Oct 29, 2007 11:09


Feel like ass today, fell out with matty again last night. it was my fault for winding him up when he was in a shit mood, i didnt do it purposefully just to piss him off im getting irratated waiting for him, he doesnt know what he wants and i dont think ever will. I guess maybe it is for the best its all over and iv been trying to bring myself to delete him for hours but im being a pussy about it. I think i should forget him but i fucking cant, im so used to him always been there its gonna be weird without him now. 
Iv been trying to distract myself all day from thinking about it by doing numerous stuff but as usual it isnt working, i wish id never fallen for him, he says he cares but i dont beleive him, if he loved me back he wouldnt be doing this to me, wouldnt have been doing this to me for half a year,
Its really hurting writing about it because now im thinking about it more, feels a bit like iv had my heart ripped out with rusty tweezers and set on fire, like theres a hole in me that wasnt there before. its fuckin killing me to be really honest. but im feeling emo saying that.. 
I have a freind whos wanting to get pregnant and doesnt know if she should, she's asked me for advice but i dont know so i asked Matty, he probably thinks i want a kid or something which might be another reason he's not talking to me but i dunno.
Doesnt look like im going to Andy and Clares halloween thing this wekend, it will just be akward as fuck so i text them today telling them i wont be there, which is only fair i think, Mattys the one who introduced me to them and has known them years AND he's taken time off work. 
I still love him so much, but fuck it, im feeling more used and messed up than anything right now.

Morphine x

end

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