going in circles
I can't believe I'm back in this same situation again. I've been having problems with Cody lately concerning the time we spend together. We both have insanely busy schedules and the time we get together is very rare. This week in particular has been rough and I'm beginning to question the validity of everything we've been through and what it really means and what he really feels.
I'm going to Florida this Sunday for Spring Break which is 8 days and he is going to Hawaii on Thursday of next week for 5 days. We will both be returning on the following Monday. Since this week is our last until we get back from Spring Break, I thought we would be spending a lot of time together. But that apparently is not the case. He has other commitments which I understand because I have my own as well. But whenever I'm thinking about my day, I'm always planning out how I can move things around in order to get more time with him. For example, today I had swim practice from 2-4 and then I had to stay at school for late night in journalism since our issue comes out this week and during production week everyone stays after school to put the paper together. I figured he might be able to spare half an hour or so to come down and visit me since he was also at school tutoring kids. I used to also go to this tutoring thing first semester but I had to stop second semester due to my responsibilities as captain of swim and my practices. It's a fact that nothing ever goes on at tutoring. Some kids tutor for a little but but it will inevitably end up turning into chill time where everyone just talks and hangs out for a few hours. I asked Cody to come down to the journalism room since I knew he wouldn't be doing anything but he said he was tutoring. I knew this wasn't really the case so I went up to the room to see what they were up to. Of course, they were all just talking and laughing, in other words, not tutoring. I don't really know how to explain or describe the way I felt when I saw him. Of course I was hurt. Of course I was angry. He would rather spend time with his best friend who he would be going to Hawaii with than me? Me, who he wouldn't be seeing for a week. I don't know if this is true but that is how I felt. I have also sacrificed a lot of time from my best friend for him and so I'm pretty sure I understand the situation. I know Michelle understand and Paul probably does but the problem is Cody is the one who has a problem with their lack of time spent together. You would think its the other way around but no, it's not..
And now I really don't know what is going on because we both don't seem to want to compromise. I know it's not true but I really don't feel like a priority. I feel like I'm just something that's lying around and that he'll pick up when he wants to. I know that's not true but I can't help but feel that way. Plus his justification for hanging out with his friend is that he's leaving for college soon and since he's a junior they won't really be seeing each other much....but what about me? Am I just another disposable friend who doesn't matter? He says it's not true but how else am I supposed to feel when he justifies spending time with Paul that way? I am understanding. I understand his commitments. I go to his concerts and events and I try to be there for him. But I also need him to be there for me without me having to say it. Me saying it out loud just makes me feel desperate and worthless. Do I need to vocally communicate my need for him? Isn't it something that should be known without my having to say anything? I wrote too much. I don't know what else to say. I'm lost.
I'm going to Florida this Sunday for Spring Break which is 8 days and he is going to Hawaii on Thursday of next week for 5 days. We will both be returning on the following Monday. Since this week is our last until we get back from Spring Break, I thought we would be spending a lot of time together. But that apparently is not the case. He has other commitments which I understand because I have my own as well. But whenever I'm thinking about my day, I'm always planning out how I can move things around in order to get more time with him. For example, today I had swim practice from 2-4 and then I had to stay at school for late night in journalism since our issue comes out this week and during production week everyone stays after school to put the paper together. I figured he might be able to spare half an hour or so to come down and visit me since he was also at school tutoring kids. I used to also go to this tutoring thing first semester but I had to stop second semester due to my responsibilities as captain of swim and my practices. It's a fact that nothing ever goes on at tutoring. Some kids tutor for a little but but it will inevitably end up turning into chill time where everyone just talks and hangs out for a few hours. I asked Cody to come down to the journalism room since I knew he wouldn't be doing anything but he said he was tutoring. I knew this wasn't really the case so I went up to the room to see what they were up to. Of course, they were all just talking and laughing, in other words, not tutoring. I don't really know how to explain or describe the way I felt when I saw him. Of course I was hurt. Of course I was angry. He would rather spend time with his best friend who he would be going to Hawaii with than me? Me, who he wouldn't be seeing for a week. I don't know if this is true but that is how I felt. I have also sacrificed a lot of time from my best friend for him and so I'm pretty sure I understand the situation. I know Michelle understand and Paul probably does but the problem is Cody is the one who has a problem with their lack of time spent together. You would think its the other way around but no, it's not..
And now I really don't know what is going on because we both don't seem to want to compromise. I know it's not true but I really don't feel like a priority. I feel like I'm just something that's lying around and that he'll pick up when he wants to. I know that's not true but I can't help but feel that way. Plus his justification for hanging out with his friend is that he's leaving for college soon and since he's a junior they won't really be seeing each other much....but what about me? Am I just another disposable friend who doesn't matter? He says it's not true but how else am I supposed to feel when he justifies spending time with Paul that way? I am understanding. I understand his commitments. I go to his concerts and events and I try to be there for him. But I also need him to be there for me without me having to say it. Me saying it out loud just makes me feel desperate and worthless. Do I need to vocally communicate my need for him? Isn't it something that should be known without my having to say anything? I wrote too much. I don't know what else to say. I'm lost.