Maybe both times.
Marriage is not suicide.
For me to marry on June third of this year does not signify the last day of my life. I am still me.
I have not forgotten where I came from.
I came from Iowa. A small town where I spent a lot of time alone, as well as a lot of time with a tightknit group of girls and boys. All these things contribute to me now and I am not ashamed of who I was nor who I am now. There are difference and similarities, but I still have the same thin blood pumping the heart inside my chest.
I spent a lot of time at church and I liked that.
I am polite.
I love babies and animals.
I am marrying my friend because I love him and because we fit. I do not need to justify, but will answer questions if asked.
To me, this is not a blind or scary descent off a tall cliff into cold dark water below my feet.
I am not afraid and I am not venturing into darkenss.
There is light.
Where I am going is bright because I feel it important to commit who I am and who I want to be. This committment is to God and he colors my days and gives me assurance and calm.
I am not stupid. Please realize that I have the ability to think and decide. Of all the people I've met, I have the loudest conscience that I know. The way that I am wired on the inside does not even allow me to toilet paper peoples houses. It makes me feel guilty and sad.
With being prone to such guilt, I think it impossible to commit to a lifelong forever thing without feeling an immense load of hesitation or feeling of doing wrong. I do not feel like this is wrong.
However, I am not relying entirely on feeling or bliss or emotion or romance or anything that easily passes.
I gave my heart to God and in turn he has placed a part of it in the hands of a boy who is capable of caring for me and loving me, as Jesus has allowed.
If you come to my house, I am not going to make you take off your shoes to walk across my carpet.
I am not expecting perfection to come. I know very well that there is no plateau of happiness where everything is easy and beautiful. I am not marrying because I want to have sex. I am not getting married because he *fixes* my problems or *fixes* me. He challenges me to learn everyday. To learn more about God; to think for myself and consider what I want. He does not try to change innate qualities I have. He encourages me.
He is not perfect, I don't want to give this impression. He does not completely fill my holes because that is what God is to do and not another peorson.
This is what is now.
I merely want what God wants.
And I love you.
For me to marry on June third of this year does not signify the last day of my life. I am still me.
I have not forgotten where I came from.
I came from Iowa. A small town where I spent a lot of time alone, as well as a lot of time with a tightknit group of girls and boys. All these things contribute to me now and I am not ashamed of who I was nor who I am now. There are difference and similarities, but I still have the same thin blood pumping the heart inside my chest.
I spent a lot of time at church and I liked that.
I am polite.
I love babies and animals.
I am marrying my friend because I love him and because we fit. I do not need to justify, but will answer questions if asked.
To me, this is not a blind or scary descent off a tall cliff into cold dark water below my feet.
I am not afraid and I am not venturing into darkenss.
There is light.
Where I am going is bright because I feel it important to commit who I am and who I want to be. This committment is to God and he colors my days and gives me assurance and calm.
I am not stupid. Please realize that I have the ability to think and decide. Of all the people I've met, I have the loudest conscience that I know. The way that I am wired on the inside does not even allow me to toilet paper peoples houses. It makes me feel guilty and sad.
With being prone to such guilt, I think it impossible to commit to a lifelong forever thing without feeling an immense load of hesitation or feeling of doing wrong. I do not feel like this is wrong.
However, I am not relying entirely on feeling or bliss or emotion or romance or anything that easily passes.
I gave my heart to God and in turn he has placed a part of it in the hands of a boy who is capable of caring for me and loving me, as Jesus has allowed.
If you come to my house, I am not going to make you take off your shoes to walk across my carpet.
I am not expecting perfection to come. I know very well that there is no plateau of happiness where everything is easy and beautiful. I am not marrying because I want to have sex. I am not getting married because he *fixes* my problems or *fixes* me. He challenges me to learn everyday. To learn more about God; to think for myself and consider what I want. He does not try to change innate qualities I have. He encourages me.
He is not perfect, I don't want to give this impression. He does not completely fill my holes because that is what God is to do and not another peorson.
This is what is now.
I merely want what God wants.
And I love you.