'Horizontal tango'? I do have some class, you know. But yeah, for lack of better words, ideally that's what I want. I mean, that's not the only thing I want. Not from you. Not from Rose either
( ... )
...You are a fact, and you are wrong, but I don't want to be right.
I shouldn't blame you for how much all of this hurts. And knowing that you did what you did for the right reasons makes it easier. Much easier. But I had to blame because I could never talk. How do you talk about the death of your first love when one, it's your fault, and two, they were evil? I mean, that's too simplistic. I'm not sure I would ever have danced with him but... he was special. So speceial. And now he's gone. And I'm angry at myself for letting it happen, even though I haven't yet.
And I was a "Love 'em and leave 'em type too." No dancing with me, but... I never did go back for Sarah Jane. I never went back for anyone. Leaving was so much easier than watching someone grow old. But you're never going to do that, with this place I wouldn't be surprised if Rose never did either.
But maybe this is a new opportunity for all of us, this event. To clear the air. To go back to how it was.
I can't help it! I don't blame anyone for what happened to me, but I hate that you're so open about how you feel about it. I know you don't like it, but it really does hurt when you just come out and say it.
You didn't let it happen, Doctor. You were pleading with him. He refused to regenerate. There was nothing you could do.
I've done the same thing with people before now... It's just so much easier to leave them behind than to have to watch them grow old whilst you stay young. It's not that I don't age. I do. It's just... really slow. In some ways I think that makes it worse. Even you have no idea what will happen if I just keep on aging, and never dying.
I think this event is just going to make things worse, to be honest. A lot of things people lie about with good reason.
When have I been open about how I feel about it since I've been here? I'd almost gotten over it. It's no different to me than a scar on your handsome face. It doesn't change who you are or how I feel about you, I just had to get used to it.
And only I could push him so far as to do that, Jack. We were... equals. The only one who could ever stop him was me.
And you... you understand. No one ever understands. No one else has ever been there...
And if the event just makes things worse, then I'll be more inclined to find a way to get you and Rose home. So either way, it works out. Either way I'll be sad, but at least you two might be happy.
Not so much you, as your next self. When we were at the end of the universe... you just came out and said it. Right to my face. I know you can't help how you feel, but it still hurt me, Doctor. I know you haven't done that yet either, but it was still you. Even if you weren't the same.
You couldn't have stopped him. You did everything you could.
I understand. I wish I didn't. I really do. I'm younger than you are, but even watching the people I have grow old is enough to make me realize immortality is really overrated.
I have to go home, whether I like it or not. It doesn't matter if this event makes things better or worse. I still have stuff I need to do there. And John... you've spoken to him, right? He says he's found my little brother. I'm not sure I trust him, and he's gone off somewhere now so I can't ask if he's lying, but I've spent years searching for him. I'd given up. I'd buries my memories of him. But now... I'm not so sure that's a chance I can pass up. Even if the chances are he is lying.
And there's my grand secret--I'm a monster. I'm a horrible person. For all my lofty ideals, for all the good things I've done, I'm terrible. Once I met my future self... my last incarnation. It... wasn't pretty. I'd rather die before I become that. And yet I'm already on my way there. I have to go back because I have to set righ tthe timeline, but I don't ever want to, becuase if I do, I might become the Valeyard. Not that my tenth incarnation being rude is a sign of it but... between that and the Master, I don't know if I'd like him very much at all.
But I'll help you find a way home, Jack, if it's the last thing I do.
But not today. Today, I'm going to go cry, because you're right. This is making it worse. The more I hear, the more I fall for you, and the less I believe you'll ever really forgive me.
I like your tenth incarnation. He's really not so bad. I'm not sure how well you'd get along with him, but I think you'd like him better than you think.
Thank you, Doctor.
I want to tell you I have forgiven you. More than anything. But I just... I can't. One day I might be able to. But not now. Not really. I really do love you, Doctor, but I can't forgive you yet. Even though I know you haven't done it. But I can at least tell you I'm glad you haven't left me here. Because I really am. It helps a lot. You should at least know that.
I'm sorry, I don't mean to upset you. I just can't control what I'm saying today. To anyone.
I'm not just going to sit back and say things that I know will hurt you. I've done it far too much today. I'm not going to say them any more if I can help it.
I think I've already said most of the things that would affect you anyway.
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I shouldn't blame you for how much all of this hurts. And knowing that you did what you did for the right reasons makes it easier. Much easier. But I had to blame because I could never talk. How do you talk about the death of your first love when one, it's your fault, and two, they were evil? I mean, that's too simplistic. I'm not sure I would ever have danced with him but... he was special. So speceial. And now he's gone. And I'm angry at myself for letting it happen, even though I haven't yet.
And I was a "Love 'em and leave 'em type too." No dancing with me, but... I never did go back for Sarah Jane. I never went back for anyone. Leaving was so much easier than watching someone grow old. But you're never going to do that, with this place I wouldn't be surprised if Rose never did either.
But maybe this is a new opportunity for all of us, this event. To clear the air. To go back to how it was.
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You didn't let it happen, Doctor. You were pleading with him. He refused to regenerate. There was nothing you could do.
I've done the same thing with people before now... It's just so much easier to leave them behind than to have to watch them grow old whilst you stay young. It's not that I don't age. I do. It's just... really slow. In some ways I think that makes it worse. Even you have no idea what will happen if I just keep on aging, and never dying.
I think this event is just going to make things worse, to be honest. A lot of things people lie about with good reason.
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And only I could push him so far as to do that, Jack. We were... equals. The only one who could ever stop him was me.
And you... you understand. No one ever understands. No one else has ever been there...
And if the event just makes things worse, then I'll be more inclined to find a way to get you and Rose home. So either way, it works out. Either way I'll be sad, but at least you two might be happy.
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You couldn't have stopped him. You did everything you could.
I understand. I wish I didn't. I really do. I'm younger than you are, but even watching the people I have grow old is enough to make me realize immortality is really overrated.
I have to go home, whether I like it or not. It doesn't matter if this event makes things better or worse. I still have stuff I need to do there. And John... you've spoken to him, right? He says he's found my little brother. I'm not sure I trust him, and he's gone off somewhere now so I can't ask if he's lying, but I've spent years searching for him. I'd given up. I'd buries my memories of him. But now... I'm not so sure that's a chance I can pass up. Even if the chances are he is lying.
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But I'll help you find a way home, Jack, if it's the last thing I do.
But not today. Today, I'm going to go cry, because you're right. This is making it worse. The more I hear, the more I fall for you, and the less I believe you'll ever really forgive me.
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Thank you, Doctor.
I want to tell you I have forgiven you. More than anything. But I just... I can't. One day I might be able to. But not now. Not really. I really do love you, Doctor, but I can't forgive you yet. Even though I know you haven't done it. But I can at least tell you I'm glad you haven't left me here. Because I really am. It helps a lot. You should at least know that.
I'm sorry, I don't mean to upset you. I just can't control what I'm saying today. To anyone.
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I should probably just keep to myself for a while. I'm just going to carry on saying things I shouldn't whilst I'm like this.
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I think I've already said most of the things that would affect you anyway.
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I'm sorry for upsetting you.
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