ALL MY FUCKING LIFE
I'm a worthless, stupid, fat, ugly, pile of shit that is mistaken for as a human being, a fucking big ass blob that God obviously messed up on. Why the hell should I even be living right now?? Obviously, no one fucking cares. Sure, they may say they do but in the end they truly don't. Would they take a bullet for me? NO, okay, then they don't care. Too bad people say that they care and try to boost my esteem, but too bad they are never there when they are truly needed. I love it when you say that you care about me but then you disappear or just simply act like you DON'T give a shit. When you say that you care you're supposed to fucking act like it. WORDS MEAN SHIT. Your words mean absolutely nothing to me unless I see you actually fucking acting that way. So no you don't love me and no you don't care. You can say it when nothing is wrong and just blow it off; sorry but you can't do that.
All my fucking life, I grew up thinking that I was this big fat ass bitch. No one ever did anything or said anything different. No one was there for me then. No one ever told me that I wasn't. So I end up becoming BOTH ANOREXIC AND BULEMIC in 6th GRADE!! 6th GRADE!! ALREADY?!?! Yeah, but then I got over that for a while and stopped doing that to myself. Now I am starting to doubt that decision. Eating is the only thing I can control in my life. Everything else is shit and not going right, so why not try to control something? Eating is all I can control so you feel a sense of power when you 'control' it. Sure, it hurts, but I got over it after a while. Then it just sort of becomes routine. So, yeah, I might as well start that routine again. I kind of all ready have, but let’s make it full blown now, why not??? None of you really care anyway, so what the hell? Why not? I enjoy hurting myself; you can't hurt others so just take it out on yourself.
All this time, you know this thing you call life, I've grown up KNOWING that I was ugly and no one ever really bothered it tell me different. Sure when I said that I was some might have said that I wasn't but too bad it loses the meaning when you only say it when you know that I want to hear it. Why compliment me? There is no real reason to compliment me because there is really NOTHING good or worthwhile about me. So that it why I have no confidence what so ever in that area.
This leads to why the hell I am the fucking bitchy piece of shit that I am today.
You know what, why don't you guys just yell at me so more and tell me to shut up and lie to me? That REALLY must be what I enjoy since everyone tells me that all the time or lies to me. Why not lie to me? It doesn't really matter how I feel. Don't even act like it does because you know that it doesn't. I don't matter to any of you and none of you would do shit for my dumb ass if it put you in some sort of peril or danger.
So much that I have done for everyone. Even the people that have done shit to me I still fucking stand up for them and care about them. Fuck that. I should just be fucking through with that because look at what it gets me? It gets me jack shit every single time.
UGHHHHH. I'm done because no one is really reading this and I just wasted all that fucking time for nothing. But that is nothing new because I wasted this whole fucking day because of a LIE that someone told me even though they didn't think that they lied because they never ever ever ever do ANYTHING wrong. They are too damn cool and too fucking smart to ever lie or do anything wrong. Too bad I do everything wrong and everything is my fault according to a certain someone that did just about everything for and got shitted on for it. Fuck it, fuck me, fuck you, fuck everything.
Oh yeah should I mention about all the times that you people have caused me to slit my wrists and pop fucking pills? I have done that shit countless times. Shit, I can't even count how many times I slit my wrists within the past two hours let alone my whole life. Maybe I should mention all of the times I've hit, thrown, smacked, punched, struck, and hurled objects at me or myself. Maybe I should mention all of the times I've hit things against my head of some part of my body. Or maybe I shouldn't because it doesn't matter to you anyway. I won't mention shit because none of you care at all anyway.
You know what just fuck all of this shit because I'm done. I'm going to make my room as dark as I possibly can, sit in a corner, and do 'stuff' because you don't care if I do anyway.
Fuck you and goodbye.
There are 33 more days, if I even make it that long.
All my fucking life, I grew up thinking that I was this big fat ass bitch. No one ever did anything or said anything different. No one was there for me then. No one ever told me that I wasn't. So I end up becoming BOTH ANOREXIC AND BULEMIC in 6th GRADE!! 6th GRADE!! ALREADY?!?! Yeah, but then I got over that for a while and stopped doing that to myself. Now I am starting to doubt that decision. Eating is the only thing I can control in my life. Everything else is shit and not going right, so why not try to control something? Eating is all I can control so you feel a sense of power when you 'control' it. Sure, it hurts, but I got over it after a while. Then it just sort of becomes routine. So, yeah, I might as well start that routine again. I kind of all ready have, but let’s make it full blown now, why not??? None of you really care anyway, so what the hell? Why not? I enjoy hurting myself; you can't hurt others so just take it out on yourself.
All this time, you know this thing you call life, I've grown up KNOWING that I was ugly and no one ever really bothered it tell me different. Sure when I said that I was some might have said that I wasn't but too bad it loses the meaning when you only say it when you know that I want to hear it. Why compliment me? There is no real reason to compliment me because there is really NOTHING good or worthwhile about me. So that it why I have no confidence what so ever in that area.
This leads to why the hell I am the fucking bitchy piece of shit that I am today.
You know what, why don't you guys just yell at me so more and tell me to shut up and lie to me? That REALLY must be what I enjoy since everyone tells me that all the time or lies to me. Why not lie to me? It doesn't really matter how I feel. Don't even act like it does because you know that it doesn't. I don't matter to any of you and none of you would do shit for my dumb ass if it put you in some sort of peril or danger.
So much that I have done for everyone. Even the people that have done shit to me I still fucking stand up for them and care about them. Fuck that. I should just be fucking through with that because look at what it gets me? It gets me jack shit every single time.
UGHHHHH. I'm done because no one is really reading this and I just wasted all that fucking time for nothing. But that is nothing new because I wasted this whole fucking day because of a LIE that someone told me even though they didn't think that they lied because they never ever ever ever do ANYTHING wrong. They are too damn cool and too fucking smart to ever lie or do anything wrong. Too bad I do everything wrong and everything is my fault according to a certain someone that did just about everything for and got shitted on for it. Fuck it, fuck me, fuck you, fuck everything.
Oh yeah should I mention about all the times that you people have caused me to slit my wrists and pop fucking pills? I have done that shit countless times. Shit, I can't even count how many times I slit my wrists within the past two hours let alone my whole life. Maybe I should mention all of the times I've hit, thrown, smacked, punched, struck, and hurled objects at me or myself. Maybe I should mention all of the times I've hit things against my head of some part of my body. Or maybe I shouldn't because it doesn't matter to you anyway. I won't mention shit because none of you care at all anyway.
You know what just fuck all of this shit because I'm done. I'm going to make my room as dark as I possibly can, sit in a corner, and do 'stuff' because you don't care if I do anyway.
Fuck you and goodbye.
There are 33 more days, if I even make it that long.