what happened?
There is so much confusion inside of me right now that i don't know what to do with myself. So this entry is going to be really random and might not make any sense and most people may not even know what i'm talking about but i just need to get some things out of my head before it explodes. There's so many different things going through it that i don't even know what to focus on.
I'm at a loss for words to describe what is really wrong with me. I just don't know what it is but it's definitely something. Maybe it's just teenage stress i dunno. I hate complaining about it because i know i am so lucky to be where i am today. With all the starving people and what not out there, i must look like a real bitch. I went on a little lj exploration and found the lj's of some ppl from my grammar school who i haven't talked to in 4 years. Holy shit did some of their lives turn out crappy. That is partly what made me so sad. Some of them aren't even going to go to college because they don't have the money. Some don't have both parents around anymore. Some spend everyday worrying about whether or not they can return to school the next day because their parents aren't paying their tuition. And here i am, complaining about one weird feeling inside of me. But that's what i like to do: complain. I am a bitch. A bitch named beth. Bitchy Beth. B-squared if you will.
Sometimes i feel like i have two personalities. Some days i am perfectly fine and happy and laughing and nothing is wrong. Then other days i am so down on myself and can't stop crying. Some days both sides come out. Yesterday was a down day. I cried for like 6 hrs total throughout the day. So many things kept flashing through my mind that i just couldn't control. I was thinking of my college situation, how part of me feels like i'm letting myself down by going to UB but part of me knows that i have to in order to become a speech therapist, how i didn't apply to a lot of schools, how all my work went to waste. I was thinking how my life is not at all what i pictured it to be when i was little. I thought by 17 i would be skinny, pretty, and have a boyfriend. I have d)none of the above. I thought in high school i would participate in so many school activities that everyone in the whole school would know who i am. I do like 2 things if i feel ambitious. I thought i'd be comfortable with myself. I don't even know WHO i am yet. I thought i'd be ready to go off to college. I am just getting comfortable with the whole high school thing. I thought i'd be the perfect daughter. I suck at that. I thought everything would be so easy. It's not easy at all. Then i was thinking how hard it must be for everyone else to do what they do. If i was miss maloney or ms. spadinger i would be so sad talking about love. I don't know how they do it knowing that they are alone in the world. Even if they chose to be alone, it still must be hard or even a little bit awkward to talk about it. Then i was thinking of a situation i'm having at home. I don't wanna share everything bcuz some things need to stay within a family but something has the potential to seriously break my family apart (not divorce just to clarify--i'm talking about my WHOLE family). I'm scared my grandma won't be able to handle it and she'll have another stroke and not recover as well or not at all. That would kill me I don't know what i'd do without her. Then i was thinking of my friends. Next year, what will happen? I doubt we all will keep in touch. I don't want that to happen. I love my SHA girls and everyone else so much that it would tear me apart. When i was crying, so many people tried to comfort me. That was so touching to me to know that they're really there for me. What if i don't find as nice of people at UB? What if everyone at UB is like the girls who just kept walking by me on friday, those who looked at me and knew something was wrong but didn't bother to ask? What would i do then?
After reading this you're prolly gonna think, jesus fucking christ, what a baby. Nothing seems wrong with her. She's prolly inventing something to be wrong. Maybe deep down i am. Maybe i just didn't do a good job of explaining what i'm feeling. All i know is that there is definitely too much shit happening all around me and i am so confused by life. I dunno, this was my attempt to relieve some of it. After this, i'll put my happy face back on so all the people who don't know how to deal with people in pain can still be my friends. I know i have it great, but sometimes you just need to vent. Thank you for listening.
I'm at a loss for words to describe what is really wrong with me. I just don't know what it is but it's definitely something. Maybe it's just teenage stress i dunno. I hate complaining about it because i know i am so lucky to be where i am today. With all the starving people and what not out there, i must look like a real bitch. I went on a little lj exploration and found the lj's of some ppl from my grammar school who i haven't talked to in 4 years. Holy shit did some of their lives turn out crappy. That is partly what made me so sad. Some of them aren't even going to go to college because they don't have the money. Some don't have both parents around anymore. Some spend everyday worrying about whether or not they can return to school the next day because their parents aren't paying their tuition. And here i am, complaining about one weird feeling inside of me. But that's what i like to do: complain. I am a bitch. A bitch named beth. Bitchy Beth. B-squared if you will.
Sometimes i feel like i have two personalities. Some days i am perfectly fine and happy and laughing and nothing is wrong. Then other days i am so down on myself and can't stop crying. Some days both sides come out. Yesterday was a down day. I cried for like 6 hrs total throughout the day. So many things kept flashing through my mind that i just couldn't control. I was thinking of my college situation, how part of me feels like i'm letting myself down by going to UB but part of me knows that i have to in order to become a speech therapist, how i didn't apply to a lot of schools, how all my work went to waste. I was thinking how my life is not at all what i pictured it to be when i was little. I thought by 17 i would be skinny, pretty, and have a boyfriend. I have d)none of the above. I thought in high school i would participate in so many school activities that everyone in the whole school would know who i am. I do like 2 things if i feel ambitious. I thought i'd be comfortable with myself. I don't even know WHO i am yet. I thought i'd be ready to go off to college. I am just getting comfortable with the whole high school thing. I thought i'd be the perfect daughter. I suck at that. I thought everything would be so easy. It's not easy at all. Then i was thinking how hard it must be for everyone else to do what they do. If i was miss maloney or ms. spadinger i would be so sad talking about love. I don't know how they do it knowing that they are alone in the world. Even if they chose to be alone, it still must be hard or even a little bit awkward to talk about it. Then i was thinking of a situation i'm having at home. I don't wanna share everything bcuz some things need to stay within a family but something has the potential to seriously break my family apart (not divorce just to clarify--i'm talking about my WHOLE family). I'm scared my grandma won't be able to handle it and she'll have another stroke and not recover as well or not at all. That would kill me I don't know what i'd do without her. Then i was thinking of my friends. Next year, what will happen? I doubt we all will keep in touch. I don't want that to happen. I love my SHA girls and everyone else so much that it would tear me apart. When i was crying, so many people tried to comfort me. That was so touching to me to know that they're really there for me. What if i don't find as nice of people at UB? What if everyone at UB is like the girls who just kept walking by me on friday, those who looked at me and knew something was wrong but didn't bother to ask? What would i do then?
After reading this you're prolly gonna think, jesus fucking christ, what a baby. Nothing seems wrong with her. She's prolly inventing something to be wrong. Maybe deep down i am. Maybe i just didn't do a good job of explaining what i'm feeling. All i know is that there is definitely too much shit happening all around me and i am so confused by life. I dunno, this was my attempt to relieve some of it. After this, i'll put my happy face back on so all the people who don't know how to deal with people in pain can still be my friends. I know i have it great, but sometimes you just need to vent. Thank you for listening.