Finally Fixed??
Right now I'm so sure and yet unsure about things. I thought I was in love with Mr. Jagger. I was so sure. All weekend I was thinking about him, and waiting. Waiting for the weekend to be over so I could go to school and see him again. Then I remembered Randy. I remembered that at one point in my life I had love only him. Loved him so much that I got his name engraved into the class ring I haven't even gotten yet. Through all the talking I did with Mrs. Porter, and the one time with Mr. Jagger, I mearly forgot about Randy. Something I never wanted to do. In the beginning of all this I wanted to forget that I loved Mr. Jagger. So that I would love only Randy. But what I didn't want to happen, did. I fell more and more in love with Mr. Jagger. Although it's not strong and longer, I still love Randy. He had one very tiny place in my heart, and Mr. Jagger had taken up the rest of the space. But at this point this is what I want. I'm a little happier this way. I'm only sad this very moment because I miss Mr. Jagger so much. As long as Mr. Jagger is happier with it, I'm going to let him keep thinking this is just a mere crush and that it'll fade. Both Mrs. Porter and myself know this is love. And she had said the reason she didn't say anything in front of Mr. Jagger when he said it was a crush was because she believed that he was comfortable about this referring to it as a crush. And the last thing I would want is for him to feel uncomfortable. That's something I wouldn't want. That's not what someone would want for the person they love, is it? I wish I could know Mr. Jagger better than I already do. But I know this is not very possible right now. So I'll deal with what I can get. I also wish that I could walk up to him and just say, "I know you don't think it's true because I'm so young but for what it's worth, I love you." And walk away. I know I do a lot of wishing. I would have done it when I talked with him but Mrs. Porter was there and I felt so bad at the time. Hopefully, I'll deal with the way things are because I am finally OK now.