(no subject)
I can see the bus coming. It’s only a few blocks away. I wish I had more time. Just five more minutes, please.
She reaches into her purse and fishes out a rumpled pack of cigarettes and I quickly dig around in my pocket and expose a lighter. I light it for her; the whole time my eyes are glued to her face. She doesn’t even look up. I stand there awkwardly holding my cigarette lighter looking at her, wishing that she would look into my eyes and see how much I’ve missed her. She stares at her sneakers.
“Lisa… I’ve… missed you so much.”
Finally she looks up at me. But not with the eyes I was hoping for. My voice stutters in my throat and I can’t finish. She looks back down at her feet.
Two blocks. “It was so nice seeing you again. Like old times.” I muster the nerve to put the lighter back in my pocket and I try to put my arms around her. She lets me but remains frigid and wont look up. I’m still staring at her face. I immediately feel self-conscious and rub her back and then drop my hands back down to my side. All of a sudden I feel very aware of the people standing around the bus stop with us. There is an old Chinese woman sitting in the swivel chairs behind us, and a handsome hipster smoking a cigarette a few paces away. I feel exposed in front of the hipster. I should have worn my other jacket.
Lisa glances up to check on the status of the bus. It seems to be stuck behind a car that’s in the process of parallel parking. Every second counts. I feel desperation rise up and it tastes like bile. I feel cold and nauseous.
“I still love you so much Lisa. I thought I was over it, but then seeing you again… we’re so perfect for each other. I feel so comfortable with you”. My voice cracks at the end and I become aware of the irony. This is the most uncomfortable I’ve been in a long time. I go to try and hug her again but I see her eyes twitch and I loose my nerve. The thoughts come to me in a flash. She doesn’t love me anymore. She feels sorry for me. She’s moved on and I’m still stuck here. Like this. It’s pathetic. I feel my emotions harden from the recoil of the thought. But I want to be wrong so bad. I want her to break down, throw her arms around my shoulders, cry into my neck and kiss my cheeks. Caress my face with those hands that I used to adore, that I used to hold, that I used to kiss. The memories make me feel like an exposed nerve. I want to cry and suddenly I wish she were on the bus already. I want to turn around and run away.
“Todd, I love you too. And I miss talking to you so much. But, not like that. I’m really happy right now. And I wish you were too.” Her face looks so worried and distraught.
“I just wanted to see you and make sure you were doing all right.” And then I know. I know right away. I should have never let her in. I should have played hard faced. I was wrong to be honest. Why did I tell her how I feel? I’ve let her know how pathetic and how lost I am. I should have finished with “I had a great time Lisa, I hope we can get together again soon”. A real man wouldn’t break down like this. I curse myself. This whole thing was a mistake. Why did I have to show her all my cards?
The bus is coming to a stop in front of us. I grab her by her shoulders and force a hug. I hold her close to me and kiss the top of her head. Right away I feel ashamed. I shouldn’t have done that. God-damnit, let go. Let go! My eyes water up. I loved her so much. I wanted her to love me so much. I feel my guts wrench inside of me as I think of how she no longer wants that. She looks up at me and her face looks pained and old.
“I love you Todd. Be good, ok?” and then she turns around and walks into the bus. I feel light headed and sick. I lean back against the rail and watch her pay the fare. She takes a seat behind the driver and doesn’t look out the window. The doors close and the bus pulls away. I pull my coat tightly around me and stand there, dazed, for a few moments. I think of how I kissed her head. I turn around and vomit over the rail. People stop walking and look at me. I feel exposed and I hate myself. I wipe my mouth with my sleeve and start walking back up the hill towards home.
She reaches into her purse and fishes out a rumpled pack of cigarettes and I quickly dig around in my pocket and expose a lighter. I light it for her; the whole time my eyes are glued to her face. She doesn’t even look up. I stand there awkwardly holding my cigarette lighter looking at her, wishing that she would look into my eyes and see how much I’ve missed her. She stares at her sneakers.
“Lisa… I’ve… missed you so much.”
Finally she looks up at me. But not with the eyes I was hoping for. My voice stutters in my throat and I can’t finish. She looks back down at her feet.
Two blocks. “It was so nice seeing you again. Like old times.” I muster the nerve to put the lighter back in my pocket and I try to put my arms around her. She lets me but remains frigid and wont look up. I’m still staring at her face. I immediately feel self-conscious and rub her back and then drop my hands back down to my side. All of a sudden I feel very aware of the people standing around the bus stop with us. There is an old Chinese woman sitting in the swivel chairs behind us, and a handsome hipster smoking a cigarette a few paces away. I feel exposed in front of the hipster. I should have worn my other jacket.
Lisa glances up to check on the status of the bus. It seems to be stuck behind a car that’s in the process of parallel parking. Every second counts. I feel desperation rise up and it tastes like bile. I feel cold and nauseous.
“I still love you so much Lisa. I thought I was over it, but then seeing you again… we’re so perfect for each other. I feel so comfortable with you”. My voice cracks at the end and I become aware of the irony. This is the most uncomfortable I’ve been in a long time. I go to try and hug her again but I see her eyes twitch and I loose my nerve. The thoughts come to me in a flash. She doesn’t love me anymore. She feels sorry for me. She’s moved on and I’m still stuck here. Like this. It’s pathetic. I feel my emotions harden from the recoil of the thought. But I want to be wrong so bad. I want her to break down, throw her arms around my shoulders, cry into my neck and kiss my cheeks. Caress my face with those hands that I used to adore, that I used to hold, that I used to kiss. The memories make me feel like an exposed nerve. I want to cry and suddenly I wish she were on the bus already. I want to turn around and run away.
“Todd, I love you too. And I miss talking to you so much. But, not like that. I’m really happy right now. And I wish you were too.” Her face looks so worried and distraught.
“I just wanted to see you and make sure you were doing all right.” And then I know. I know right away. I should have never let her in. I should have played hard faced. I was wrong to be honest. Why did I tell her how I feel? I’ve let her know how pathetic and how lost I am. I should have finished with “I had a great time Lisa, I hope we can get together again soon”. A real man wouldn’t break down like this. I curse myself. This whole thing was a mistake. Why did I have to show her all my cards?
The bus is coming to a stop in front of us. I grab her by her shoulders and force a hug. I hold her close to me and kiss the top of her head. Right away I feel ashamed. I shouldn’t have done that. God-damnit, let go. Let go! My eyes water up. I loved her so much. I wanted her to love me so much. I feel my guts wrench inside of me as I think of how she no longer wants that. She looks up at me and her face looks pained and old.
“I love you Todd. Be good, ok?” and then she turns around and walks into the bus. I feel light headed and sick. I lean back against the rail and watch her pay the fare. She takes a seat behind the driver and doesn’t look out the window. The doors close and the bus pulls away. I pull my coat tightly around me and stand there, dazed, for a few moments. I think of how I kissed her head. I turn around and vomit over the rail. People stop walking and look at me. I feel exposed and I hate myself. I wipe my mouth with my sleeve and start walking back up the hill towards home.