fic: 5 Things About Jim That Gross Bones Out, and 1 That He Secretly Likes
Title: 5 Things About Jim That Gross Bones Out, and 1 That He Secretly Likes
Author/Artist: beeteedub
Pairing(s): Jim/Bones
Rating: R
Summary: Sometimes, Jim is just sick.
Notes/Warnings: A little rimming, language. Pretty tame, considering.
Disclaimer: No ownership, no profit.
One
“You did it again.”
“Did what?”
“You swallowed your gum.”
“No, I didn’t.”
“Yes, you did. Don’t.”
“How would you even know? Are you in my stomach, counting the gobs of chewing gum as they drop down?”
“I saw you-no, actually I heard you-chewing gum and I didn’t see you throw it out or spit it somewhere, and yet you are mysteriously not chewing gum anymore. The only place it could have gone is your stomach.”
“What does it matter?”
“Dammit, Jim! It’s gross and unhealthy. You probably have pounds of undigested gum in your stomach and intestinal tract.”
“Are you saying I’m fat?”
“Jim.”
“Whatever, gum comes out the other end right on time. There’s nothing gumming me up.”
“It’s still gross. It comes out the same way it went in. Unnatural.”
“Like corn.”
“Jim.”
Two
Snuffle.
Snort.
Groan.
No one should make that much noise waking up. Bones had to grit his teeth as Jim’s morning symphony continued on the other bed.
Grumble.
Moan.
Bones always liked that he could go from dead asleep to wide awake in the blink of an eye. It was a trait that probably cultivated itself during his medical residency, when at any moment he would be dragged to the ER and expected to save lives. It didn’t make for a good, long sleep.
Jim was not like that. He needed at least half an hour between the time he woke and the time he would actually wake up. And during that time, he would make…noises.
Something about these sounds always rubbed Bones the wrong way. All that unnecessary noise, so early in the morning. Smacking gums, yawns, random other audible emissions.
Grunt.
Whimper.
Maybe it was because Jim sometimes sounded like he was having really hot sex.
Bones had enough. He sat up, took his own pillow, and thwacked Jim solidly in the face.
“Hey,” Jim grumbled.
“Just wake up already!”
Jim grinned sleepily, eyes still shut.
“Too noisy for you, huh?”
“I curse the day I chose you for a roommate.”
Three
They were at a bar, which seemed to be their default destination when they were angry, or happy, or their day went bad, or their day went fantastic, or they were just bored. And Jim was drunk, which was his default setting once he was placed in a bar.
And with the drinking came the flirting, with Bones being the unwilling wingman, which was an unnecessary role because Jim could get anyone without any help. Jim always insisted on the importance of Bones.
“You’re like, the glue that holds this whole operation together, buddy,” Jim said, intently focused on Bones’s face. “No lie, without you, I’d never get laid.”
Bones rolled his eyes. “I don’t see how that is.”
“Because, Bones, chicks look at you, all grumbly and discontent, probably an alcoholic, and then they see me standing next to you, shining like fucking Apollo, and they are drawn to me like flies.”
Bones frowned, about to bite back with an appropriate rebuke, but Jim had already moved on to a girl at the end of the bar who was giving him the eye.
And Bones had to watch as Jim got to second base before the girl’s boyfriend showed up, but this time, instead of being beaten up, Jim got to go home with the both of them.
Bones spent the rest of the night feeling pretty damn gross, that’s for sure, if Jim’s apparently equal-opportunity cock wasn’t at all interested in his tired, moody ass.
Four
Bones expects many things when he enters his dorm room. Many things, but not this.
“Dammit, Jim, what the fuck are you doing?”
“Pedicure.”
“That’s not a pedicure, that’s disgusting.”
Jim rolled his eyes and took his foot down from his mouth. “Well, I expected you to have nail clippers and I couldn’t find any, so I had to be inventive. Thank god I’m so flexible.”
And no, Bones definitely wasn’t thinking about how flexible Jim was, or just how exciting it was that he, a grown man, could get his foot all the way up to his mouth. To chew his toenails, of course, but still.
Bones grabbed the nail clippers and threw them at Jim, just as Jim spit another toenail out onto Bones’s bed.
Five
It seemed normal. Peanut butter, bread, jelly. All would combine to make a quick, tasty, and in Bones’s opinion, not very nutritionally sound sandwich. And that was all Bones considered as Jim set out these simple ingredients on the countertop.
Until the butter came out.
Bones watched in unbridled horror as Jim applied a thick coating of butter to both pieces of bread. By now, Bones knew what was going to happen. He didn’t like it, but at least it wouldn’t be a surprise when-
When Jim got out the skillet.
Jim slathered on the peanut butter and the jelly onto the sides of the bread not currently smeared with butter. Then, he stacked them in such a way as to make a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
“Jim, you can’t be serious.”
Jim glanced up. “Oh, sorry, Bones, did you want one?”
And the One
“I don’t know why you like to do this so much,” Bones grumbled, glancing over his shoulder to see how things were progressing back there.
He was treated to the sight of Jim, naked and staring intently as Bone’s upturned ass. He caught Bones looking and shot him a devilish grin before bending down and licking a broad stripe on one of Bones’s cheeks.
Bones groaned reflexively, his head dropped back down onto his folded arms. Jim chuckled and Bones could feel the gentle puffs of air against his entrance before the first tiny lick.
Bones jerked and Jim’s hands came around to grip his hips and hold him still. Jim went in for another taste, licking around and swiping over Bones’s entrance, and Bones couldn’t help but moan.
Jim pulled away. “Are you sure you do this as a favor to me, Bones?”
“Of course, dumbass, I think it’s sick and unhygienic. Now get back to it.”
Jim just chuckled again but did as he was told.
Author/Artist: beeteedub
Pairing(s): Jim/Bones
Rating: R
Summary: Sometimes, Jim is just sick.
Notes/Warnings: A little rimming, language. Pretty tame, considering.
Disclaimer: No ownership, no profit.
One
“You did it again.”
“Did what?”
“You swallowed your gum.”
“No, I didn’t.”
“Yes, you did. Don’t.”
“How would you even know? Are you in my stomach, counting the gobs of chewing gum as they drop down?”
“I saw you-no, actually I heard you-chewing gum and I didn’t see you throw it out or spit it somewhere, and yet you are mysteriously not chewing gum anymore. The only place it could have gone is your stomach.”
“What does it matter?”
“Dammit, Jim! It’s gross and unhealthy. You probably have pounds of undigested gum in your stomach and intestinal tract.”
“Are you saying I’m fat?”
“Jim.”
“Whatever, gum comes out the other end right on time. There’s nothing gumming me up.”
“It’s still gross. It comes out the same way it went in. Unnatural.”
“Like corn.”
“Jim.”
Two
Snuffle.
Snort.
Groan.
No one should make that much noise waking up. Bones had to grit his teeth as Jim’s morning symphony continued on the other bed.
Grumble.
Moan.
Bones always liked that he could go from dead asleep to wide awake in the blink of an eye. It was a trait that probably cultivated itself during his medical residency, when at any moment he would be dragged to the ER and expected to save lives. It didn’t make for a good, long sleep.
Jim was not like that. He needed at least half an hour between the time he woke and the time he would actually wake up. And during that time, he would make…noises.
Something about these sounds always rubbed Bones the wrong way. All that unnecessary noise, so early in the morning. Smacking gums, yawns, random other audible emissions.
Grunt.
Whimper.
Maybe it was because Jim sometimes sounded like he was having really hot sex.
Bones had enough. He sat up, took his own pillow, and thwacked Jim solidly in the face.
“Hey,” Jim grumbled.
“Just wake up already!”
Jim grinned sleepily, eyes still shut.
“Too noisy for you, huh?”
“I curse the day I chose you for a roommate.”
Three
They were at a bar, which seemed to be their default destination when they were angry, or happy, or their day went bad, or their day went fantastic, or they were just bored. And Jim was drunk, which was his default setting once he was placed in a bar.
And with the drinking came the flirting, with Bones being the unwilling wingman, which was an unnecessary role because Jim could get anyone without any help. Jim always insisted on the importance of Bones.
“You’re like, the glue that holds this whole operation together, buddy,” Jim said, intently focused on Bones’s face. “No lie, without you, I’d never get laid.”
Bones rolled his eyes. “I don’t see how that is.”
“Because, Bones, chicks look at you, all grumbly and discontent, probably an alcoholic, and then they see me standing next to you, shining like fucking Apollo, and they are drawn to me like flies.”
Bones frowned, about to bite back with an appropriate rebuke, but Jim had already moved on to a girl at the end of the bar who was giving him the eye.
And Bones had to watch as Jim got to second base before the girl’s boyfriend showed up, but this time, instead of being beaten up, Jim got to go home with the both of them.
Bones spent the rest of the night feeling pretty damn gross, that’s for sure, if Jim’s apparently equal-opportunity cock wasn’t at all interested in his tired, moody ass.
Four
Bones expects many things when he enters his dorm room. Many things, but not this.
“Dammit, Jim, what the fuck are you doing?”
“Pedicure.”
“That’s not a pedicure, that’s disgusting.”
Jim rolled his eyes and took his foot down from his mouth. “Well, I expected you to have nail clippers and I couldn’t find any, so I had to be inventive. Thank god I’m so flexible.”
And no, Bones definitely wasn’t thinking about how flexible Jim was, or just how exciting it was that he, a grown man, could get his foot all the way up to his mouth. To chew his toenails, of course, but still.
Bones grabbed the nail clippers and threw them at Jim, just as Jim spit another toenail out onto Bones’s bed.
Five
It seemed normal. Peanut butter, bread, jelly. All would combine to make a quick, tasty, and in Bones’s opinion, not very nutritionally sound sandwich. And that was all Bones considered as Jim set out these simple ingredients on the countertop.
Until the butter came out.
Bones watched in unbridled horror as Jim applied a thick coating of butter to both pieces of bread. By now, Bones knew what was going to happen. He didn’t like it, but at least it wouldn’t be a surprise when-
When Jim got out the skillet.
Jim slathered on the peanut butter and the jelly onto the sides of the bread not currently smeared with butter. Then, he stacked them in such a way as to make a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
“Jim, you can’t be serious.”
Jim glanced up. “Oh, sorry, Bones, did you want one?”
And the One
“I don’t know why you like to do this so much,” Bones grumbled, glancing over his shoulder to see how things were progressing back there.
He was treated to the sight of Jim, naked and staring intently as Bone’s upturned ass. He caught Bones looking and shot him a devilish grin before bending down and licking a broad stripe on one of Bones’s cheeks.
Bones groaned reflexively, his head dropped back down onto his folded arms. Jim chuckled and Bones could feel the gentle puffs of air against his entrance before the first tiny lick.
Bones jerked and Jim’s hands came around to grip his hips and hold him still. Jim went in for another taste, licking around and swiping over Bones’s entrance, and Bones couldn’t help but moan.
Jim pulled away. “Are you sure you do this as a favor to me, Bones?”
“Of course, dumbass, I think it’s sick and unhygienic. Now get back to it.”
Jim just chuckled again but did as he was told.