(no subject)
It really is terrible to feel the way I do. I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. There is nothing worse than without even realizing it come up with numerous ways of kciking yourself off. What am I even doing anymore. There is like this huge clock of my life looming and all it keeps saying is that I am falling behind and that I am screwing up. Constantly I feel inadequate and know I am failing at everything I do. I have nothing. If I weren't 18 I'd be homeless. I have no job because I don't know when I am supposed to ship to basic so I have no money. I can't ship to basic because they can't get my measurments right and because apparently I am a fat fuck wasting the governments money. I have no self esteem left because I get told everyday that I am too poor and too fat and too short and too this and too that...never anything good. My own dad doesn't want me. He never has and is not ashamed to tell me. Yet to the army that means nothing. Of course not, why would it. I am too poor to buy food for my diet. I am too poor in spirit to stick with it anyways. I am homeless in that I don't have a home to go to. I have a room in my dad's house. My dad is not there though. No one is. I am so lonely. I am so broken. I have such an unfair advantage. I have none of the tools to succeed and I am being shut down left and right. I crawl an inch and get kicked back a foot. I am miserable in every aspect of my life. Then on top of it I have to deal with fucked up people's bullshit. I'm sorry, it's not good enough for you that your life was handed to you on a silver platter you have to go and try to ruin mine to make yourself feel just a little bit bigger. Great. I hope you and your world of lies are happy. Then again I am a world of lies and of disappointment and failure. So fuck me...go to hell Stephanie. Who asked you to be here anyways.