My Favorite F-Word of All Time
What a wasted day. Here I sit, resentful, with a house full of dirty dishes, dust bunnies the size of my head and a bathroom straight out of Trainspotting--but no, I think I'll just hang in this broken Ikea chair right here, clutching my baby blanket possessively and scarfing Girl Scout cookies with wild abandon. Fuck everything, especially my ever-widening ass and untamed eyebrows; I'm replacing this ass with a cinderblock and these eyebrows with surgically-implanted sock monkeys. Fuck my run-rampant cuticles, fucking fuck my fuck-all tits for going south for the winter, fuck my ice-cold manfeet--socks are overrated! You cuticles are being replaced by ketchup packets, you tits will become water guns and these feet shall become dictionaries. Fuck my bank account for being empty! You don't have anything ELSE to do today, so fill yourself up, asshole! Go from $0-to-$5 million in 60 seconds, you know you CAN, you just WON'T!...Fine! I'm replacing YOU with a sack of barley--it's just as pointless, but at least it will FEED me! Fuck PMS, fuck my uterus, that worthless Benedict Arnold body part; I'm yanking YOU out and replacing you with a fucking cupcake! Fuck my job and my fat fucking manager for living and while we're at it, fuck all my clients who have more money than God but still have enough energy to say they're fucking broke. I'm replacing YOU with self-mutilating fembots! Die, fembots, die! Fuck Walk the Line for making me cry at the end, fuck Finding Nemo for making me cry at the beginning, fuck cheesy pop music for making sense today. I'm replacing all my movies with scat and all music with a gaggle of honking geese. And my fucking cat? Yeah, I'm just going to hire a lesbian to attack me randomly. At least then I won't be annoyed, just pleasantly surprised. Fucking fuck the motherfucking fuckers! E-fucking-MO.
Where does one find the energy, the elbow grease, the motivational know-how, to get up off their duff and clean? Is it JUST crystal meth, or are there other alternatives? I'm out of cigarettes, I'm out of money, but more importantly, I'm out of cigarettes. I must go knock over a bank and get a boob job immediately. *sigh* Blahdy-fucking-blah. That's enough 'fucking' for today. I'm fucking pooped.
Where does one find the energy, the elbow grease, the motivational know-how, to get up off their duff and clean? Is it JUST crystal meth, or are there other alternatives? I'm out of cigarettes, I'm out of money, but more importantly, I'm out of cigarettes. I must go knock over a bank and get a boob job immediately. *sigh* Blahdy-fucking-blah. That's enough 'fucking' for today. I'm fucking pooped.