(no subject)
Dad and I had a fight last night. Well, I wouldn't really call it a fight. I'd more likely call it, "Dad yelled at me and I cried." I went to the cast party without calling him. He knew about the cast party, but he gets worried. Apparently, he waited by the phone until 1:30 for me to call, not knowing where I was or whether I needed a ride or whether I was alive. I know that I should have called, but I subconsciously (or somewhat consciously) chose not to. I realized that as soon as I called he would yell at me about something and then he would probably force me to come home, so I thought that I would at least prolong it for a little while. That's exactly what he did: he yelled at me and forced me to go home. I only prolonged it half an hour.
I'm not really upset that he yelled at me this one time. It's that this isn't even abnormal for me. It's constant. Everything I do is wrong, and he makes sure that this is very clear. Do you know what he said to me? He said, "If you don't give a shit, then screw you." How can he say that to his daughter when she's crying that kind of cry that makes breathing difficult and telling him over and over that she's sorry? I shouldn't have to be afraid of my own dad. I shouldn't have to always be planning ways to keep him content.
He treats all of us like this, his whole family. Last night, Mom tried to shield me from him. He said, "Damnit, Terry! Shut up! Get out! You're undoing everything that I've taught her!" What has he taught me? To know my place? Poor Mom. She is not his child; she is his wife. She is a full-grown woman, a doctor! She does not need to be reprimanded.
Dad came in my room this morning to say sorry. I know he's sorry. He really just can't see himself. He doesn't know what he sounds like. There's a good man in that big, clunky exterior. I still have to wonder though, does he really know why I was upset? Is he going to become a new man and treat his family better? He's said sorry before, but it's never changed anything. He doesn't know himself, so how can he change himself?
I'm not really upset that he yelled at me this one time. It's that this isn't even abnormal for me. It's constant. Everything I do is wrong, and he makes sure that this is very clear. Do you know what he said to me? He said, "If you don't give a shit, then screw you." How can he say that to his daughter when she's crying that kind of cry that makes breathing difficult and telling him over and over that she's sorry? I shouldn't have to be afraid of my own dad. I shouldn't have to always be planning ways to keep him content.
He treats all of us like this, his whole family. Last night, Mom tried to shield me from him. He said, "Damnit, Terry! Shut up! Get out! You're undoing everything that I've taught her!" What has he taught me? To know my place? Poor Mom. She is not his child; she is his wife. She is a full-grown woman, a doctor! She does not need to be reprimanded.
Dad came in my room this morning to say sorry. I know he's sorry. He really just can't see himself. He doesn't know what he sounds like. There's a good man in that big, clunky exterior. I still have to wonder though, does he really know why I was upset? Is he going to become a new man and treat his family better? He's said sorry before, but it's never changed anything. He doesn't know himself, so how can he change himself?