(no subject)
felt like writing so I'am going too...there is alot on my mind right now but I don't know how to make sense of any of it long enough to write..thats half of my problem..I guess I am just scared right now...like really scared. the last time I was without my dad was when he was in prison and that was an awful time I dont even want to get into....and now I cant even help him if I wanted to,he is all alone and I dont know if he can make it. and if he doesnt I don't know if I could ever forgive myself..I know its hard to understand but we have a weird relationship it isnt like a father and daughter, and it never was. He saw me as a way for him to get more things...a pity gainer..just another one of his tools. he may love me but its not what it should be, if anthing he misses what i can give and do for him more then my actual self and being with him..But its all right I am used to it, and its odd for me to see other dads because for the longest time I didnt see anything wrong with mine..haha
But anyway that's not the only thing that bothers me..I bother myself alot..I am just so frustrated at the things that I do and say. I mean you would think I have learned my lesson about liking people but I haven't becauese once again here I am likeing someone.I always hurt people close to me. I wish I didn't I try so fucking hard not to but its like somehting inside of me turns on and I am a different person, I look at thtings differently and it scares me that I can change like that.. if it was my way i would fall in love and stay that way even if it wasnt returned..but now I am just a barren field and every time something starts to grow it gets ripped out by a creature afraid to see life threre because thats all it knows...oh well I hope I change soon I dont know how much longer I can be like this.. I wish my dad the best of everything all thoguh I know he doesnt care about me, I still love him and hope that he realizes what he is doing and doesnt make me fix everything for him.
But anyway that's not the only thing that bothers me..I bother myself alot..I am just so frustrated at the things that I do and say. I mean you would think I have learned my lesson about liking people but I haven't becauese once again here I am likeing someone.I always hurt people close to me. I wish I didn't I try so fucking hard not to but its like somehting inside of me turns on and I am a different person, I look at thtings differently and it scares me that I can change like that.. if it was my way i would fall in love and stay that way even if it wasnt returned..but now I am just a barren field and every time something starts to grow it gets ripped out by a creature afraid to see life threre because thats all it knows...oh well I hope I change soon I dont know how much longer I can be like this.. I wish my dad the best of everything all thoguh I know he doesnt care about me, I still love him and hope that he realizes what he is doing and doesnt make me fix everything for him.