Theoretically nothing is ever impossible
So, I'm doing this for no other reason apart from my own mind.
Last post was a tad vague, but in the way that the day was it fitted very well. Never been a bit on the side before, don't really want to be again (unless I say so :)), but it made some parts of me mind fit back into place.
These were the bits that had been knocked outa shape by the ex, in something she said to me to hurt me and that was all she had to do.
All the time I have been from SJ, I have either been a blustering ejit, or over confident (followed by run the fook away).
Monday I was the exemplorary nice bloke (which unfortunatly I is to a tee), it sorta faded after time, but then I is only human (hopes so anyways)
But all that, along with seeing so many peeps come out on the Friday for me B'day filled me with a kinda high and a happiness I aint used to.
So the day of my birth was gonna be not nice, I knew this before hand tho, but it didnt prepare me for it. I went to the crem to talk to my g'parents, to get rid of some stuff on me chest and to clear a lot o stuff that has been getting to me for the past 10 years or more.
Worse part is that I handled really well, but as the day got on and on, all I had in my head was the fact this was the first time in 2 years that I didnt spend the day with Meg. I had the best weekend I've had for a long, long time. Felt the best I have for a long, long time. I have back something that I felt wasn't there, I have back a part of me that I thought I would never reclaim. Bravado and bullshit apart, I have been very inside with everything since I split from Sj and now, at my fullness of being me....... At the part where if theres something I want I will take, not ask, all I care about is Meg.
Nothing more than that. I love, I feel, I dream.
Nothing else matters, my own happiness is not important to me in the slightest (which isnt that much different than it was, but is now, I knoes what I means)
Now I am happy to have fleeting glimpses of joy, I should maybe do more for myself (and in the end Meg). But the only thing that I care about truly comes to just above my knees and fills me with more joy than I have ever in my now 31 years ever had.
I'm a good Dad, no I'm a fucking great Dad, my child (and who knows children) are all to me. Maybe i'm wrong, but for the life in me I couldn't give 2 shites.
So in closing maybe I need someone who can understand the way I feel about my daughter before how I feel about anything else. Some of the people who I feel about read this are inclusive. The person I was with on bank hol Monday did.
The future shall be the future as long as you dont live in the past.
Ya know what, for the first time in a lot o years, i'm in the now and its both estoric and quite scary too. I wubs it :))))) 4 years of manic drepression? In a constant bad place???? Fuck you I know 2 things I know for certain
1: I know where I am (here)
2: I know who I am (me)
xxx
Last post was a tad vague, but in the way that the day was it fitted very well. Never been a bit on the side before, don't really want to be again (unless I say so :)), but it made some parts of me mind fit back into place.
These were the bits that had been knocked outa shape by the ex, in something she said to me to hurt me and that was all she had to do.
All the time I have been from SJ, I have either been a blustering ejit, or over confident (followed by run the fook away).
Monday I was the exemplorary nice bloke (which unfortunatly I is to a tee), it sorta faded after time, but then I is only human (hopes so anyways)
But all that, along with seeing so many peeps come out on the Friday for me B'day filled me with a kinda high and a happiness I aint used to.
So the day of my birth was gonna be not nice, I knew this before hand tho, but it didnt prepare me for it. I went to the crem to talk to my g'parents, to get rid of some stuff on me chest and to clear a lot o stuff that has been getting to me for the past 10 years or more.
Worse part is that I handled really well, but as the day got on and on, all I had in my head was the fact this was the first time in 2 years that I didnt spend the day with Meg. I had the best weekend I've had for a long, long time. Felt the best I have for a long, long time. I have back something that I felt wasn't there, I have back a part of me that I thought I would never reclaim. Bravado and bullshit apart, I have been very inside with everything since I split from Sj and now, at my fullness of being me....... At the part where if theres something I want I will take, not ask, all I care about is Meg.
Nothing more than that. I love, I feel, I dream.
Nothing else matters, my own happiness is not important to me in the slightest (which isnt that much different than it was, but is now, I knoes what I means)
Now I am happy to have fleeting glimpses of joy, I should maybe do more for myself (and in the end Meg). But the only thing that I care about truly comes to just above my knees and fills me with more joy than I have ever in my now 31 years ever had.
I'm a good Dad, no I'm a fucking great Dad, my child (and who knows children) are all to me. Maybe i'm wrong, but for the life in me I couldn't give 2 shites.
So in closing maybe I need someone who can understand the way I feel about my daughter before how I feel about anything else. Some of the people who I feel about read this are inclusive. The person I was with on bank hol Monday did.
The future shall be the future as long as you dont live in the past.
Ya know what, for the first time in a lot o years, i'm in the now and its both estoric and quite scary too. I wubs it :))))) 4 years of manic drepression? In a constant bad place???? Fuck you I know 2 things I know for certain
1: I know where I am (here)
2: I know who I am (me)
xxx