crappy but the best day ever.
Today was a total breakdown. Yesterday, I slept at 11pm and set my alarm at 4.30am. But instead woke up at 6.3oam. How stupid is that?
I became really frustrated, I thought I was a freak, for missing the alarm when it rang twice waking everyone else except for me. And I felt that I was a greedy lazy pig, when I couldn’t rise even after my mum tried to wake me up after the alarm rang. I wanted to disappear, I wanted to kill myself.
So I cried.
And I was stupid to forget that crying is frowned upon in my family. Crying is seen as a sign of weakness, defeat, spoilt-ness. I think I stick out like a sore thumb regarding this. People say that when you fall, you should not cry. For what? To show that you are stronger? Hah, it is only right that you cry when you fall. Cry all you want, cry all the sorrow, anguish, hatred whatever out. Then, go forward. Isn’t it better that way?
What is the use of scolding a crying kid who lost his balloon? He is crying because he is sad, he has lost something dear to him. He will cool down, and move on. Scolding the child just makes him feel worse. Threatening is no better, yes there is a discipline, but the heart is sore and feels dejected. Just let the child cry. Why suppress the emotion of sorrow? We are thinking too much with our heads.
They probably misunderstood me. They thought I was crying because I pushed all the blame to them. They thought I was childish enough to point fingers at them, accusing them of my fault. They never know what their little daughter here is thinking. How can she blame her innocent parents for not waking up on time? She didn’t and she never would.
But even after I explained the reason for me bawling, they twisted their stand around, so that they still are on higher ground, the one who doesn’t need to apologize. They said I deserved no sympathy, that I shouldn’t pity myself. Was I? It was more of anger, not pity. But I was too tired to explain to them, just let them think, why bother explaining things to them?
And to add on to this horrible morning, my dad lectured me the whole trip to school. Saying harsh words like not talking to me if I don’t work 3 times harder. Do they know how much I have improved, how hard I am trying? I am tired, I am dragging myself through this walk of hell fire. They never will know. I only spend less than 6 hours at home studying. Do they know I have been awake and attentive for the 12 hours in school? No, because they were never were in school with me. He said I was distracted all the time and said that by wearing my loli skirt while studying to motivate me is bullshit. Whatever. I brushed that aside, I knew they never approve of it from the start; they only let me now as a compassionate act. I was distracted, yes, but not all that time. There are times when I focused, but they became blind at that time. Maybe, I should ask them to go to school again and demand them to focus 100% of the time. Don’t bullshit me that they can do it. It’s impossible, their brain will be a sunny side up replica.
Obviously, he dies not buy to the idea of letting a crying child cry. He should have done that. He is a classic example of a conservative, traditional Chinese father. I can never understand those types.
I tried to hold back my tears in school. But they are my family! How can they be so blind to my efforts? And I broke down after the first lesson which is Chinese. Xin Yi was being ultra nice. She was very patient, and I feel blessed to have a friend like her. she tried to explain my parents actions saying it was out of concern. I thought it was more of anger and frustration. But I could stop crying. All the kept up emotions inside just swept me away. Mel was very nice to me too, she made me feel much better, by telling me jokes. And she said that hard work will be rewarded, but I didn’t feel that way. I was the last in class for the recent kinetics test even though I studied for it, and I only scraped a pass, for the written SPA, although I woke up at 5 to prepare. And the recent GP MSA was discouraging. I might as well quit school.
But things got better, after I cooled down and went down to POPCafe. My eyes still showed signs that I cried and my other friends saw it I think. But I think they felt something was wrong from yesterday onwards. I was in a foul mood and according to XY it was very obvious.
Damn, Mel, Val gave me 3 boxes of Gap chocolate coated sticks “since they could not get me Gackt” and they made me the cutest paper doll chain. I was touched really. I cried tears of happiness. I never felt like this throughout this whole year. I felt loved.
I don’t think I can ever, ever forget about my friends. Thank you so much. I know why God made friends, because when there is trouble in the family, friends come to comfort you. I think I must have felt God’s love for me through my wonderful friends.
I love you all.