Tutorial and Advice Rules for Tammy Award Voting!
ATTENTION ALL MUSES!
It has come to my attention that there are many of you who are confused about how to vote for the Tammy Awards. So, as a public service, and for extra credit, I will be giving you all a list of the most important things to remember when filling out your ballot.
So sit down, shut the fuck up, and pay attention…
Rule number ONE! Fill out the whole fucking thing.
What? You got something better to do? What, are you carpooling with Mel Gibson tonight? Take the time and fill out the damn thing right, you lazy bitches! Every section you leave blank is just another section that those freaking HIPPIES will infiltrate and control. If John Stamos wins Best Villain, you bitches have no one to blame but your own lazy ass selves.
Rule number TWO! Get creative!
Blend some categories together. For example, mix “Best Ass” with “Best Hair” and what do you get? “Hairiest Ass”! I nominate…hmmm…you know Dr. House has to have a hairy ass, and probably that Alan Shore dude. Oh, all Immortals have hairy asses. It’s in the rules, dude. Just call that one guy “Hsu Hairyass” and get it over with. Seriously. Some shit just goes together. Like “Best Nipples” with “Muse You Most Want To Get a Lapdance From”. Emma Frost, dude, that’s all I’m saying. And no pregnant bitches for best fucking rack, that’s cheating. Milk doesn’t count in the funbag competition. It’s like testing positive for steroids after the weenie bike race in France. You know why people are pissed about that shit? Cuz no one in France has testosterone. Jealous, man, just fucking jealous.
Rule number THREE! Bros before hos!
Don’t vote with your dick, guys. We dudes have to stick together, or the whiny emo chicks will run the whole show. Most tragic muse? I don’t wanna see some skinny bitch with a lollipop head winning because she got raped, beaten, married, knocked up and gave birth to alien quadruplets all in a month. Don’t do it, man. I want most tragic muse to be a guy who hasn’t gotten laid since the last award show. Now that’s fucking tragic. Some guys can’t get any, even in a prison with a handful of pardons. Look at that Duncan MacLeod of the clan Supercuts dude. NOT GETTING ANY. Alan Shore. NOT GETTING ANY. If you have to vote for a chick, vote for Scully. Tragic is being just the right height to blow every guy in town, but still can’t cuz your lips are all tight and pursed together cuz you’re a grouch. Yeah…so there.
Rule number FOUR! LOOK for the hard ones.
“Are there any virgins left?” Duh, dummy! There’s the little Jacks girl. But also, it says virgin ass! So technically, you can nominate anyone with an “EXIT ONLY, DO NOT ENTER” sign on their butt. Think about that! Or mix it with “Best Junior Muse”. Goes together like Yoo Hoo and Cheezy Poofs.
Rule number FIVE! Make the tough calls!
Yeah, I know it’s tough trying to figure out which of the Horsemen you should nominate for Biggest Weenie.
*Girly, mimicking voice*
“Ooooh, look at me! I’m forty thousand years old! I paint my face and ride around on a pony and cut people with my shiny sword. Ooh! I’m a badass, aren’t you scared? If I kill everyone then no one will know I play with Barbie dolls and have a tiny, little rice dick! Oooh, blue paint! It’s so retro! Look at my designer frock! I’m so Gene Simmons in drag! But…oh, NO! I’m tragic! I can’t dance! I thought I could dance, but I look like a tadpole with epilepsy! Heeeelllllppp! Help me! I’m Immortally clumsy! All this quickening, and I can’t even do the Twist! I suck! I suck! I’m a Horseman! Even my horse is laughing at meeeee! Waaaaaaah!”
But dude, pick one. You can’t go wrong with any of them. Seriously.
Rule number SIX! Flip a bitch.
That’s right, turn it around. Most Sexually Vanilla Muse?
Alex Krycek. Dude…do it. You know it’s gotta be done.
*takes a macho stance*
“Da…I am Alexandr Romanov Jesus de Juan de Antonio Ivan Bitchatovich Krycek. I am hot. I am cool. I can fuck anyone, and they will like it better than hot dog at ballgame. I am a devious, sexy man. Sexy man, sexy man, making love like only sexy man can…I have made mad, passionate love to everyone here, except for Alan Shore and Captain Jack Sparrow’s monkey, because…after all…even I have standards, and the monkey turned me down. No one refuses the powerful tractor beam of my heavily lashed green eyes of lust.” Frowns, shakes head. “Nick? Nick Stokes? Nyet…he is just playing hard to get, my pretty devochka. He, too, will fall into my arms and onto my mighty penis. It is but a matter of time.”
Go for the unexpected, dudes! Take the dangerous road! Muse you want to spank? Vote for Kara Keating! Turn it around and make the surprises happen!
Rule number SEVEN! When in doubt, vote for Denny Crane!
Can’t decide between Dr. McDreamy and Dr. Who? Pick Denny Crane! Not sure who’s nipples are the best in town? Vote Denny Crane! Denny for lapdances, Denny for ass, Denny for bitch, Denny for everything! Why? Because Denny Crane is a winner, every time.
There. Now get your asses over to the_tm_rag and vote, you bitches! Vote like you never voted before! Move your ass!
It has come to my attention that there are many of you who are confused about how to vote for the Tammy Awards. So, as a public service, and for extra credit, I will be giving you all a list of the most important things to remember when filling out your ballot.
So sit down, shut the fuck up, and pay attention…
Rule number ONE! Fill out the whole fucking thing.
What? You got something better to do? What, are you carpooling with Mel Gibson tonight? Take the time and fill out the damn thing right, you lazy bitches! Every section you leave blank is just another section that those freaking HIPPIES will infiltrate and control. If John Stamos wins Best Villain, you bitches have no one to blame but your own lazy ass selves.
Rule number TWO! Get creative!
Blend some categories together. For example, mix “Best Ass” with “Best Hair” and what do you get? “Hairiest Ass”! I nominate…hmmm…you know Dr. House has to have a hairy ass, and probably that Alan Shore dude. Oh, all Immortals have hairy asses. It’s in the rules, dude. Just call that one guy “Hsu Hairyass” and get it over with. Seriously. Some shit just goes together. Like “Best Nipples” with “Muse You Most Want To Get a Lapdance From”. Emma Frost, dude, that’s all I’m saying. And no pregnant bitches for best fucking rack, that’s cheating. Milk doesn’t count in the funbag competition. It’s like testing positive for steroids after the weenie bike race in France. You know why people are pissed about that shit? Cuz no one in France has testosterone. Jealous, man, just fucking jealous.
Rule number THREE! Bros before hos!
Don’t vote with your dick, guys. We dudes have to stick together, or the whiny emo chicks will run the whole show. Most tragic muse? I don’t wanna see some skinny bitch with a lollipop head winning because she got raped, beaten, married, knocked up and gave birth to alien quadruplets all in a month. Don’t do it, man. I want most tragic muse to be a guy who hasn’t gotten laid since the last award show. Now that’s fucking tragic. Some guys can’t get any, even in a prison with a handful of pardons. Look at that Duncan MacLeod of the clan Supercuts dude. NOT GETTING ANY. Alan Shore. NOT GETTING ANY. If you have to vote for a chick, vote for Scully. Tragic is being just the right height to blow every guy in town, but still can’t cuz your lips are all tight and pursed together cuz you’re a grouch. Yeah…so there.
Rule number FOUR! LOOK for the hard ones.
“Are there any virgins left?” Duh, dummy! There’s the little Jacks girl. But also, it says virgin ass! So technically, you can nominate anyone with an “EXIT ONLY, DO NOT ENTER” sign on their butt. Think about that! Or mix it with “Best Junior Muse”. Goes together like Yoo Hoo and Cheezy Poofs.
Rule number FIVE! Make the tough calls!
Yeah, I know it’s tough trying to figure out which of the Horsemen you should nominate for Biggest Weenie.
*Girly, mimicking voice*
“Ooooh, look at me! I’m forty thousand years old! I paint my face and ride around on a pony and cut people with my shiny sword. Ooh! I’m a badass, aren’t you scared? If I kill everyone then no one will know I play with Barbie dolls and have a tiny, little rice dick! Oooh, blue paint! It’s so retro! Look at my designer frock! I’m so Gene Simmons in drag! But…oh, NO! I’m tragic! I can’t dance! I thought I could dance, but I look like a tadpole with epilepsy! Heeeelllllppp! Help me! I’m Immortally clumsy! All this quickening, and I can’t even do the Twist! I suck! I suck! I’m a Horseman! Even my horse is laughing at meeeee! Waaaaaaah!”
But dude, pick one. You can’t go wrong with any of them. Seriously.
Rule number SIX! Flip a bitch.
That’s right, turn it around. Most Sexually Vanilla Muse?
Alex Krycek. Dude…do it. You know it’s gotta be done.
*takes a macho stance*
“Da…I am Alexandr Romanov Jesus de Juan de Antonio Ivan Bitchatovich Krycek. I am hot. I am cool. I can fuck anyone, and they will like it better than hot dog at ballgame. I am a devious, sexy man. Sexy man, sexy man, making love like only sexy man can…I have made mad, passionate love to everyone here, except for Alan Shore and Captain Jack Sparrow’s monkey, because…after all…even I have standards, and the monkey turned me down. No one refuses the powerful tractor beam of my heavily lashed green eyes of lust.” Frowns, shakes head. “Nick? Nick Stokes? Nyet…he is just playing hard to get, my pretty devochka. He, too, will fall into my arms and onto my mighty penis. It is but a matter of time.”
Go for the unexpected, dudes! Take the dangerous road! Muse you want to spank? Vote for Kara Keating! Turn it around and make the surprises happen!
Rule number SEVEN! When in doubt, vote for Denny Crane!
Can’t decide between Dr. McDreamy and Dr. Who? Pick Denny Crane! Not sure who’s nipples are the best in town? Vote Denny Crane! Denny for lapdances, Denny for ass, Denny for bitch, Denny for everything! Why? Because Denny Crane is a winner, every time.
There. Now get your asses over to the_tm_rag and vote, you bitches! Vote like you never voted before! Move your ass!