Making Friends Easily
Mos Eisley Cantina - Tatooine
"I'm looking for Wes. Lt. Wes Janson. Dude, he said I could get a ride from him anytime, and I need to get over to the Dagobah system to see Yoda dude. And what the fuck shit is this? You guys ever heard of Yoo Hoo or Koolaid? This looks like bantha piss."
The barkeep just shook his head as a large, elephant faced alien shoved Eric rudely, then shouted something in his face he couldn't understand. Before he could react, the guy with him got in Cartman's face.
"He said he doesn't like you."
"Oh, yeah, well, mirrors don't like him, fuckface."
"I don't like you, either. You better watch yourself. I have the death sentence in twelve systems."
"Oh, yeah? Well, I've met Satan and defeated Saddam Hussein, biyatch. I ain't scared, I'll kick your ugly ass and feed you an Altoid." Cartman waved his pudgy hand in front of his nose. "Damn, dude, don't they have Listerine in space?"
"YOU'LL BE DEAD!” The man shoved Eric harder, but suddenly, some old guy put his hand on the stranger's arm.
"This fat child isn't worth your trouble. Here, let me buy you a drink."
The pair of ugly bad guys with equally bad breath pulled their blasters, but the old man and Cartman had their light sabers out with a brilliant flash of speed and skill. It only took a few seconds before the Mos Eisley Cantina was able to open an alien sushi bar. Putting away their weapons, the two looked at each other.
"I thought I told you to be more cautious, young one."
"Obi Wan? Dude! What the fuck happened? You look freaking old! That Ashley chick wore you out, huh? I knew that was gonna happen. Too much poontang, dude." Cartman walked with Obi Wan, past the shitty band, to the back of the bar.
"No, padawan, it's the space travel and the sun on this miserable rock. Terrible for the skin, and you can't find a good Avon rep out here, not since the Sand People ate the last one. But that's not important now. We need to get you back home to Earth."
"No, dude! I need to go see Yoda! I need to complete my training and face my biggest fear in the cave, dude!" Cartman pouted.
"Yoda's in Vegas this week for the 40th Anniversary Star Trek Fan Convention. He's entered a fanfic in the slash competition." Obi Wan frowned and sadly shook his head. "He's done some Wesley Crusher crossover with the Winchester boys that screams 'Gary Stu', but Yoda never could take constructive criticism."
"Yoda writes fanfic?"
"Yes, young one. There isn't much to do out there on that swampy planet. A Dell rep got lost there, and now our master has a laptop and too much time on his hands. He's been doing RP, too, but his Buffy is the worst I've ever read." A slight shudder went up Kenobi's spine, before they reached the corner booth.
At the booth, there were two beings seated. One was a fairly good looking guy, a little scruffy looking. The other one was a big, hairy thing that looked like a gremlin on steroids.
"I'm Captain Han Solo, and this is my first mate, Chewbacca…"
"Chewing tobacco?" Cartman frowned.
"Chewbacca." The human frowned back, while the hairy guy made a series of grunts. "I understand you're looking for transport to Earth. What spaceport? I don't fly into Dulles or O'Hare. You can't get clearance and the coffee sucks."
Obi Wan took control of the negotiations. "We need to get to Los Angeles, a wretched hive of scum and villainy, in order for this boy to attend the Tammy Awards. We'd like to avoid any…" looks around "Imperial entanglements, and John Stamos, if possible."
"Well, I can do it, but it's going to cost you." Solo leaned back in the booth.
"We don't have much money. I just got a new X box and the boy…well, he ate lunch at the new Taco Bell here."
"What have you got?" Solo looked skeptical.
Eric started emptying his pockets out on the table. He had a glow in the dark condom, unused, that he found in the men's room at the Mos Eisley McDonalds. There were three marbles, including a Tiger Eye that Chewie seemed to approve of. He had a broken kazoo, some watermelon Bubblicious, a slingshot, four small silver bullets and the ring he had run off with a while ago.
Solo picked up the ring, and looked at it closely. "What's this?"
"Oh, that's some shitty ring that this Aragorn guy was having a fucking cow about in the woods, dude. It supposed to be worth something, for a king." Cartman shrugged and tried to take his marble back from Chewbacca, who roared in protest.
Han was staring at the ring, turning it this way and that in his fingers. "Let him have it, fat kid. It's not wise to upset a Wookie."
Chewie grunted, and Cartman scowled. Obi Wan rolled his eyes and spoke, "So, are these terms acceptable?".
"Yeah, sure. What the hell. Hey, kid, are you sure you aren't Jabba's kid?"
Cartman started to speak, but Obi Wan put a hand on his arm. They all rose, and walked out of the bar to the spaceport. The Mos Eisley Jiffy Lube guy was just finishing up the oil change when they boarded. He stuck the clear sticker inside a window, reminding Solo to bring the ship back in three months, gave Chewie a coupon, and ran, just as the stormtrooper burst through the entry door and blasted, hitting everything but the fleeing ship.
It wasn't a long flight. But for some reason, they noticed the flashing police lights as they came up Pacific Coast Highway. It was two in the morning, and the sirens started as the cruiser chased the Millineum Falcon.
"Pull over, Captain Solo. You can't outrun them, they're CHP." Kenobi leaned over Solo, watching the rear view mirror.
"Chewie, go into hyperdrive. We'll get rid of these guys." Solo started pushing buttons and levers.
Cartman was strapped into his intergalactic booster seat behind Chewbacca. He started shouting over the high pitched whine of the hyperdrive failing. "This goddamn piece of fucking shit can't outrun a pogo stick. Pull over, I'll fix it. They'll accept my authority!"
"Eric...I don't think..."
"PULL THE FUCK OVER!"
So, they pulled the Falcon over to the shoulder of Pacific Coast Highway. Through the cockpit window, Obi Wan, Han and Chewie watched Cartman approach the male and female cops. There was a lot of armwaving. Then there was some yelling. Cartman made a run for the ship, but the cops caught his arm and turned him around.
"This isn't looking good, old man. I don't think these guys respect the kid's authority." Solo would have been amused, if they hadn't pulled out nightsticks.
"Turn on the outside speakers." Kenobi tucked his hands inside his robes.
"...and you know what? Californians and Republican fucktards are responsible for all the wars in the world, you fucking dogshit pigs. You're supposed to be public servants, and I'm the public, so go get me a fucking Yoo Hoo, Sugartits!" Cartman was bobbing his head back and forth, screaming with a red face.
"Did he just call that stormtrooper...er...woman cop...SUGARTITS?" Solo stared, appalled.
The male cop turned and looked at them, pointing to the ship. But Cartman shrugged. He seemed to calm down and walk cooperatively, but then suddenly spun and headbutted the male cop in the nuts, since he couldn't reach his chest. The cop went down hard, flailing like a whiny bitch boy overactor, and Eric ran up the ramp, yelling as he closed the hatch.
"GO! GO! GO! Take off, fucktard! It's all gone wrong!"
The Millinneum Falcon finally hit hyperdrive, just in time, before they could be passed by a white Bronco and a line of police cars.
The men inside looked at each other grimly. They were now even more wanted than before. There was no way that the Empire, and Access Hollywood, wouldn't hear about this. By tomorrow, they'd be all over the news, and facing a review by the International Soccer Federation and The JDL, not to mention the CHP and LAPD.
Eric sat in the back, a blanket over his shoulders, staring dejectedly at the chess board. It was all his fault. He struggled with the disease of obnoxiousness all his life, and every time he thought he had beaten it, it happened again. He never would have a friend, not like this. A loud fart echoed through the ship, causing Chewie to howl all the way in the cockpit. But Eric just stared, wondering why his life sucked worse than John Stamos'.
Eric Cartman
South Park
More than 150!
"I'm looking for Wes. Lt. Wes Janson. Dude, he said I could get a ride from him anytime, and I need to get over to the Dagobah system to see Yoda dude. And what the fuck shit is this? You guys ever heard of Yoo Hoo or Koolaid? This looks like bantha piss."
The barkeep just shook his head as a large, elephant faced alien shoved Eric rudely, then shouted something in his face he couldn't understand. Before he could react, the guy with him got in Cartman's face.
"He said he doesn't like you."
"Oh, yeah, well, mirrors don't like him, fuckface."
"I don't like you, either. You better watch yourself. I have the death sentence in twelve systems."
"Oh, yeah? Well, I've met Satan and defeated Saddam Hussein, biyatch. I ain't scared, I'll kick your ugly ass and feed you an Altoid." Cartman waved his pudgy hand in front of his nose. "Damn, dude, don't they have Listerine in space?"
"YOU'LL BE DEAD!” The man shoved Eric harder, but suddenly, some old guy put his hand on the stranger's arm.
"This fat child isn't worth your trouble. Here, let me buy you a drink."
The pair of ugly bad guys with equally bad breath pulled their blasters, but the old man and Cartman had their light sabers out with a brilliant flash of speed and skill. It only took a few seconds before the Mos Eisley Cantina was able to open an alien sushi bar. Putting away their weapons, the two looked at each other.
"I thought I told you to be more cautious, young one."
"Obi Wan? Dude! What the fuck happened? You look freaking old! That Ashley chick wore you out, huh? I knew that was gonna happen. Too much poontang, dude." Cartman walked with Obi Wan, past the shitty band, to the back of the bar.
"No, padawan, it's the space travel and the sun on this miserable rock. Terrible for the skin, and you can't find a good Avon rep out here, not since the Sand People ate the last one. But that's not important now. We need to get you back home to Earth."
"No, dude! I need to go see Yoda! I need to complete my training and face my biggest fear in the cave, dude!" Cartman pouted.
"Yoda's in Vegas this week for the 40th Anniversary Star Trek Fan Convention. He's entered a fanfic in the slash competition." Obi Wan frowned and sadly shook his head. "He's done some Wesley Crusher crossover with the Winchester boys that screams 'Gary Stu', but Yoda never could take constructive criticism."
"Yoda writes fanfic?"
"Yes, young one. There isn't much to do out there on that swampy planet. A Dell rep got lost there, and now our master has a laptop and too much time on his hands. He's been doing RP, too, but his Buffy is the worst I've ever read." A slight shudder went up Kenobi's spine, before they reached the corner booth.
At the booth, there were two beings seated. One was a fairly good looking guy, a little scruffy looking. The other one was a big, hairy thing that looked like a gremlin on steroids.
"I'm Captain Han Solo, and this is my first mate, Chewbacca…"
"Chewing tobacco?" Cartman frowned.
"Chewbacca." The human frowned back, while the hairy guy made a series of grunts. "I understand you're looking for transport to Earth. What spaceport? I don't fly into Dulles or O'Hare. You can't get clearance and the coffee sucks."
Obi Wan took control of the negotiations. "We need to get to Los Angeles, a wretched hive of scum and villainy, in order for this boy to attend the Tammy Awards. We'd like to avoid any…" looks around "Imperial entanglements, and John Stamos, if possible."
"Well, I can do it, but it's going to cost you." Solo leaned back in the booth.
"We don't have much money. I just got a new X box and the boy…well, he ate lunch at the new Taco Bell here."
"What have you got?" Solo looked skeptical.
Eric started emptying his pockets out on the table. He had a glow in the dark condom, unused, that he found in the men's room at the Mos Eisley McDonalds. There were three marbles, including a Tiger Eye that Chewie seemed to approve of. He had a broken kazoo, some watermelon Bubblicious, a slingshot, four small silver bullets and the ring he had run off with a while ago.
Solo picked up the ring, and looked at it closely. "What's this?"
"Oh, that's some shitty ring that this Aragorn guy was having a fucking cow about in the woods, dude. It supposed to be worth something, for a king." Cartman shrugged and tried to take his marble back from Chewbacca, who roared in protest.
Han was staring at the ring, turning it this way and that in his fingers. "Let him have it, fat kid. It's not wise to upset a Wookie."
Chewie grunted, and Cartman scowled. Obi Wan rolled his eyes and spoke, "So, are these terms acceptable?".
"Yeah, sure. What the hell. Hey, kid, are you sure you aren't Jabba's kid?"
Cartman started to speak, but Obi Wan put a hand on his arm. They all rose, and walked out of the bar to the spaceport. The Mos Eisley Jiffy Lube guy was just finishing up the oil change when they boarded. He stuck the clear sticker inside a window, reminding Solo to bring the ship back in three months, gave Chewie a coupon, and ran, just as the stormtrooper burst through the entry door and blasted, hitting everything but the fleeing ship.
It wasn't a long flight. But for some reason, they noticed the flashing police lights as they came up Pacific Coast Highway. It was two in the morning, and the sirens started as the cruiser chased the Millineum Falcon.
"Pull over, Captain Solo. You can't outrun them, they're CHP." Kenobi leaned over Solo, watching the rear view mirror.
"Chewie, go into hyperdrive. We'll get rid of these guys." Solo started pushing buttons and levers.
Cartman was strapped into his intergalactic booster seat behind Chewbacca. He started shouting over the high pitched whine of the hyperdrive failing. "This goddamn piece of fucking shit can't outrun a pogo stick. Pull over, I'll fix it. They'll accept my authority!"
"Eric...I don't think..."
"PULL THE FUCK OVER!"
So, they pulled the Falcon over to the shoulder of Pacific Coast Highway. Through the cockpit window, Obi Wan, Han and Chewie watched Cartman approach the male and female cops. There was a lot of armwaving. Then there was some yelling. Cartman made a run for the ship, but the cops caught his arm and turned him around.
"This isn't looking good, old man. I don't think these guys respect the kid's authority." Solo would have been amused, if they hadn't pulled out nightsticks.
"Turn on the outside speakers." Kenobi tucked his hands inside his robes.
"...and you know what? Californians and Republican fucktards are responsible for all the wars in the world, you fucking dogshit pigs. You're supposed to be public servants, and I'm the public, so go get me a fucking Yoo Hoo, Sugartits!" Cartman was bobbing his head back and forth, screaming with a red face.
"Did he just call that stormtrooper...er...woman cop...SUGARTITS?" Solo stared, appalled.
The male cop turned and looked at them, pointing to the ship. But Cartman shrugged. He seemed to calm down and walk cooperatively, but then suddenly spun and headbutted the male cop in the nuts, since he couldn't reach his chest. The cop went down hard, flailing like a whiny bitch boy overactor, and Eric ran up the ramp, yelling as he closed the hatch.
"GO! GO! GO! Take off, fucktard! It's all gone wrong!"
The Millinneum Falcon finally hit hyperdrive, just in time, before they could be passed by a white Bronco and a line of police cars.
The men inside looked at each other grimly. They were now even more wanted than before. There was no way that the Empire, and Access Hollywood, wouldn't hear about this. By tomorrow, they'd be all over the news, and facing a review by the International Soccer Federation and The JDL, not to mention the CHP and LAPD.
Eric sat in the back, a blanket over his shoulders, staring dejectedly at the chess board. It was all his fault. He struggled with the disease of obnoxiousness all his life, and every time he thought he had beaten it, it happened again. He never would have a friend, not like this. A loud fart echoed through the ship, causing Chewie to howl all the way in the cockpit. But Eric just stared, wondering why his life sucked worse than John Stamos'.
Eric Cartman
South Park
More than 150!