Shame at Sunnydale High School
He brought his wooden stake, silver cross, some silver bullets and a copy of "The Idiot's Guide To Valley Girl Language" with him, and when he got off the plane in Sunnydale, he moved through the airport with purpose and an air of determination.
"Get the fuck outta my way, you California hose hounds. Goddammit! Where's my taxi?"
It had been a while since Buffy Summers had come to Sunnydale High School. The glory years of mayhem and chaos were over, and things had changed a lot. Now, all of the Scoobies were graduates, off to do their jobs in the real world.
Principal Wesley Wyndam-Pryce came out to greet Cartman as he got out of the taxi.
"You must be young Master Cartman. I'm Principal Wyndam-Pryce. Welcome to Sunnydale High."
"Dude...do you always talk like that?"
"Like what?"
"Like you got a stick up your ass? And what's with the two last names? No one else got two last names, dude. It's kinda faggy, if you ask me." Cartman followed him in the hallway.
"I'm British, young man." Wesley frowned disapprovingly.
"Like that's an excuse for anything, dude. Look at Sting, dude. He's British, and he only has one name. Thus, not faggy. Think about it, dude."
"Sting is a rock star. I'm a respected member of the academic field." They get into the office, and Wesley sits down. "Now, what can I do for you, little man? You said you were looking for your father?"
"Rock star, my ass, dude. He started out as a teacher, dude, and the little girls were hot for him. 'Don't stand, don't stand, don't stand so close to my British one name not faggy ass...'. See? Anyway, yeah. I think my daddy may be from this school, and I intend to find out."
"Yes, well, many of our alumni have returned to work here at Sunnydale. Was there anyone in particular...you wouldn't be Spike's child, now would you? Dear lord...that would be frightening."
"I don't think my mommy would do the nasty with anything called Spike, dude. I mean, come on. You have to wonder what kind of mother names her kid that. Do you just unwrap the little diaper and go 'Oh, yeah, dude, this kid's a Spike, alright'? Or did his mom stay stoned all the time and mix him up with the dog? Who else you got?" Cartman leaned back in the chair, and let out a silent but deadly fart.
Wesley's unflappable cool was withering under the assault to his sense of smell. He stood, quickly, and opened the door. "Why don't we walk? We can just find our way through the school and you can meet a few of the gentlemen and see if they fit."
"You got any Yoo Hoo around here, dude? That damn flight was drier than my great granny's cooter, which spews dust everytime David Hasslehoff comes on TV, you know?" Cartman waddled along, down the hall.
"Well, I'm sure our cafeteria lady can find something for you to drink, ah...yes, here she is." Wesley opened the door. A frowsy looking brunette pulled the cigarette out of her mouth and flicked the ashes into the pot she was stirring. She was dressed in a stained polyester uniform smock, and her hairnet was askew. "Miss Chase, young Mr. Cartman is visiting and was wondering if you might have any Yoo Hoo?"
Cordelia pointed one scuffed toe of her orthopedic shoe towards the large steel refrigerator. "It's in there, next to the beer you keep for that new night janitor you personally hired, Wesley. And you better requisition me some new drawers and support hose for this uniform, and soon. Mine are wearing out. So, little boy, whose kid are you?"
"That's what he's trying to find out, Cordy." A Yoo Hoo was opened and handed to Eric, who slurped noisily.
"Didn't you used to be the head cheerleader?"
"How much do you think that's worth at the WB, kid? Now go on. I got tater tots to thaw."
Wesley and Cartman went back out, and walked slowly. "Dude, who else was here, that could be my daddy?"
"Is your mother a man?"
"No...not...this season...why?"
"Then is likely isn't Giles...hmmm...Oz? No...I don't think so. Xander, maybe, but he would have confessed by now. I know, we'll go straight to the source."
"The source, dude? Isn't that from Charmed?" Eyebrow lift.
"No, not that source. I mean the ultimate source of information and knowledge. Miss Buffy Summers. We'll go find her, she'll know."
Four hours later, Cartman staggered into the gym. He was bleeding, pissed and he spilled his Yoo Hoo along the way. When he spotted the tiny blonde woman, he yelled across the gym.
"BITCH! You had better be the right Buffy. I've been wasting the last four goddamn hours! I met a Joan, and a Buffy robot, and a Buffy slayer who never even heard of anyone because like omigod she's still a sophomore and I met some old fashioned pregnant bitch who had NO clue who the fuck a Buffy or a high school was because she was wandering around some old biddy's castle calling herself Elizabeth. Then I ran into this crowd of teenaged blondes who aren't Buffy, but oh, wow, wouldn't it be so totally rad if they made a new Buffy starring Paris Hilton and Nicole could totally be Dru, omigod?" Cartman's pointing and rocking his head back and forth, as the woman walks over to him.
"I'm Buffy Summers. What do you want?" A crowd was forming, as Wesley, Oz, Zander and the rest of the gang came in to watch the showdown between them.
"I'm looking for my daddy, beyotch. My mommy dated some guy from here. She called him her 'Angel'. Got a clue in that head of yours who she means, or has all that peroxide melted your brain?"
"ANGEL! DID YOU SAY YOUR FATHER IS ANGEL?" A young man's voice came from the door, and Connor charged in the room to face down Cartman.
"Dude? Was I even talking to your bitch ass? Who the fuck are you?" Cartman stands, his hands on his hips.
"My father is Angel, not yours. You understand me? He's mine."
Buffy does a spin kick, knocking Connor down, and then kicks Cartman, who howls in fury.
"Oh, that is so it, bitch. I don't give a fuck who you are, Slayer Slut, your bony ass is toast. As soon as I can get up." Cartman rolls this way and that, trying to get up, while Buffy stalks off, into the locker room.
Connor helps Cartman up, and he snorts. "Look, kid, Angel isn't your father. I know that for sure, dude."
"How do you know?"
"Because, man, we would be having flashbacks, angst, guilt, falling to his knees in anguish...the whole nine yards. Nothing, kid. And besides that, most of the chicks he screws end up dead, anyway."
"What's that Buffy chick's problem? Dude, I haven't seen anyone that tight since the Olsen Twins learned how to drink."
"She wound up as a gym teacher here, cuz she spent so much time slaying that she didn't get any homework done."
"I thought all gym teachers were lesbos, dude."
"Exactly."
Cartman walked over in front of the crowd in the bleachers.
"I've fucking had it, dude. You know what I think? Can anyone give me a D minor?"
Wesley looked nervous. "Don't do it, Eric...just...don't.."
"Owwww weeeeeeelllllll"
"Cartman, dude, don't do it..." Connor looked around nervously.
"Weeeeellllll....
Well, Buffy is a bitch, she's a skinny bitch,
She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world
She's a Stupid bitch if there ever was a bitch,
She's a bitch to all the vampie boys and girls!
On Monday she's a bitch, on Tuesday she's a bitch
On Wednesday through Saturday she's a bitch
Then on Sunday, just to be different,
She's a Super silver bullet woody beyotch!
Come on, you all know the words!
Have you ever met this Slayer bitch?
She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world!
She's a mean old bitch and she has stupid hair!
She's a bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch,
Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch:
She's a stupid bitch!
Buffy Summers is a bitch, and she sucks a dirty bitch
That Buffy! She's a big flat, fucking bitch
Big ugly, hairy fuckin' bitch, that's Buffffffffffffaaaaayyyyyyy!
Yeahhhhh...Chaaaaaaaah"
Eric had danced, he had kicked higher than a Rockette, and he had the crowd clapping and stomping along. He was so into it, that he didn't notice they had stopped clapping, and they all stood silent, their mouths hanging open, staring. When he finished with the slide to his knees on the polished gym floor and an arm flourish, he looked up.
"What? No applause?" Silence. "She's right behind me, isn't she?"
They all nodded.
****************************************************
"And in other news this evening, officials say that the explosion and fire at Sunnydale High School can be traced back to the school's gym teacher, one Elizabeth 'Buffy' Summers, who has disappeared..."
Kyle looked at Eric, who was relaxing after getting back home to South Park. "So, dude, what do you feel ashamed of? You didn't burn down the school!"
"I kissed the cafeteria chick, dude. I wanted another Yoo Hoo."
"Did she have the hair net on?"
"Yeah."
"Dude."
"I know." Cartman hung his head.
"Get the fuck outta my way, you California hose hounds. Goddammit! Where's my taxi?"
It had been a while since Buffy Summers had come to Sunnydale High School. The glory years of mayhem and chaos were over, and things had changed a lot. Now, all of the Scoobies were graduates, off to do their jobs in the real world.
Principal Wesley Wyndam-Pryce came out to greet Cartman as he got out of the taxi.
"You must be young Master Cartman. I'm Principal Wyndam-Pryce. Welcome to Sunnydale High."
"Dude...do you always talk like that?"
"Like what?"
"Like you got a stick up your ass? And what's with the two last names? No one else got two last names, dude. It's kinda faggy, if you ask me." Cartman followed him in the hallway.
"I'm British, young man." Wesley frowned disapprovingly.
"Like that's an excuse for anything, dude. Look at Sting, dude. He's British, and he only has one name. Thus, not faggy. Think about it, dude."
"Sting is a rock star. I'm a respected member of the academic field." They get into the office, and Wesley sits down. "Now, what can I do for you, little man? You said you were looking for your father?"
"Rock star, my ass, dude. He started out as a teacher, dude, and the little girls were hot for him. 'Don't stand, don't stand, don't stand so close to my British one name not faggy ass...'. See? Anyway, yeah. I think my daddy may be from this school, and I intend to find out."
"Yes, well, many of our alumni have returned to work here at Sunnydale. Was there anyone in particular...you wouldn't be Spike's child, now would you? Dear lord...that would be frightening."
"I don't think my mommy would do the nasty with anything called Spike, dude. I mean, come on. You have to wonder what kind of mother names her kid that. Do you just unwrap the little diaper and go 'Oh, yeah, dude, this kid's a Spike, alright'? Or did his mom stay stoned all the time and mix him up with the dog? Who else you got?" Cartman leaned back in the chair, and let out a silent but deadly fart.
Wesley's unflappable cool was withering under the assault to his sense of smell. He stood, quickly, and opened the door. "Why don't we walk? We can just find our way through the school and you can meet a few of the gentlemen and see if they fit."
"You got any Yoo Hoo around here, dude? That damn flight was drier than my great granny's cooter, which spews dust everytime David Hasslehoff comes on TV, you know?" Cartman waddled along, down the hall.
"Well, I'm sure our cafeteria lady can find something for you to drink, ah...yes, here she is." Wesley opened the door. A frowsy looking brunette pulled the cigarette out of her mouth and flicked the ashes into the pot she was stirring. She was dressed in a stained polyester uniform smock, and her hairnet was askew. "Miss Chase, young Mr. Cartman is visiting and was wondering if you might have any Yoo Hoo?"
Cordelia pointed one scuffed toe of her orthopedic shoe towards the large steel refrigerator. "It's in there, next to the beer you keep for that new night janitor you personally hired, Wesley. And you better requisition me some new drawers and support hose for this uniform, and soon. Mine are wearing out. So, little boy, whose kid are you?"
"That's what he's trying to find out, Cordy." A Yoo Hoo was opened and handed to Eric, who slurped noisily.
"Didn't you used to be the head cheerleader?"
"How much do you think that's worth at the WB, kid? Now go on. I got tater tots to thaw."
Wesley and Cartman went back out, and walked slowly. "Dude, who else was here, that could be my daddy?"
"Is your mother a man?"
"No...not...this season...why?"
"Then is likely isn't Giles...hmmm...Oz? No...I don't think so. Xander, maybe, but he would have confessed by now. I know, we'll go straight to the source."
"The source, dude? Isn't that from Charmed?" Eyebrow lift.
"No, not that source. I mean the ultimate source of information and knowledge. Miss Buffy Summers. We'll go find her, she'll know."
Four hours later, Cartman staggered into the gym. He was bleeding, pissed and he spilled his Yoo Hoo along the way. When he spotted the tiny blonde woman, he yelled across the gym.
"BITCH! You had better be the right Buffy. I've been wasting the last four goddamn hours! I met a Joan, and a Buffy robot, and a Buffy slayer who never even heard of anyone because like omigod she's still a sophomore and I met some old fashioned pregnant bitch who had NO clue who the fuck a Buffy or a high school was because she was wandering around some old biddy's castle calling herself Elizabeth. Then I ran into this crowd of teenaged blondes who aren't Buffy, but oh, wow, wouldn't it be so totally rad if they made a new Buffy starring Paris Hilton and Nicole could totally be Dru, omigod?" Cartman's pointing and rocking his head back and forth, as the woman walks over to him.
"I'm Buffy Summers. What do you want?" A crowd was forming, as Wesley, Oz, Zander and the rest of the gang came in to watch the showdown between them.
"I'm looking for my daddy, beyotch. My mommy dated some guy from here. She called him her 'Angel'. Got a clue in that head of yours who she means, or has all that peroxide melted your brain?"
"ANGEL! DID YOU SAY YOUR FATHER IS ANGEL?" A young man's voice came from the door, and Connor charged in the room to face down Cartman.
"Dude? Was I even talking to your bitch ass? Who the fuck are you?" Cartman stands, his hands on his hips.
"My father is Angel, not yours. You understand me? He's mine."
Buffy does a spin kick, knocking Connor down, and then kicks Cartman, who howls in fury.
"Oh, that is so it, bitch. I don't give a fuck who you are, Slayer Slut, your bony ass is toast. As soon as I can get up." Cartman rolls this way and that, trying to get up, while Buffy stalks off, into the locker room.
Connor helps Cartman up, and he snorts. "Look, kid, Angel isn't your father. I know that for sure, dude."
"How do you know?"
"Because, man, we would be having flashbacks, angst, guilt, falling to his knees in anguish...the whole nine yards. Nothing, kid. And besides that, most of the chicks he screws end up dead, anyway."
"What's that Buffy chick's problem? Dude, I haven't seen anyone that tight since the Olsen Twins learned how to drink."
"She wound up as a gym teacher here, cuz she spent so much time slaying that she didn't get any homework done."
"I thought all gym teachers were lesbos, dude."
"Exactly."
Cartman walked over in front of the crowd in the bleachers.
"I've fucking had it, dude. You know what I think? Can anyone give me a D minor?"
Wesley looked nervous. "Don't do it, Eric...just...don't.."
"Owwww weeeeeeelllllll"
"Cartman, dude, don't do it..." Connor looked around nervously.
"Weeeeellllll....
Well, Buffy is a bitch, she's a skinny bitch,
She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world
She's a Stupid bitch if there ever was a bitch,
She's a bitch to all the vampie boys and girls!
On Monday she's a bitch, on Tuesday she's a bitch
On Wednesday through Saturday she's a bitch
Then on Sunday, just to be different,
She's a Super silver bullet woody beyotch!
Come on, you all know the words!
Have you ever met this Slayer bitch?
She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world!
She's a mean old bitch and she has stupid hair!
She's a bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch,
Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch:
She's a stupid bitch!
Buffy Summers is a bitch, and she sucks a dirty bitch
That Buffy! She's a big flat, fucking bitch
Big ugly, hairy fuckin' bitch, that's Buffffffffffffaaaaayyyyyyy!
Yeahhhhh...Chaaaaaaaah"
Eric had danced, he had kicked higher than a Rockette, and he had the crowd clapping and stomping along. He was so into it, that he didn't notice they had stopped clapping, and they all stood silent, their mouths hanging open, staring. When he finished with the slide to his knees on the polished gym floor and an arm flourish, he looked up.
"What? No applause?" Silence. "She's right behind me, isn't she?"
They all nodded.
****************************************************
"And in other news this evening, officials say that the explosion and fire at Sunnydale High School can be traced back to the school's gym teacher, one Elizabeth 'Buffy' Summers, who has disappeared..."
Kyle looked at Eric, who was relaxing after getting back home to South Park. "So, dude, what do you feel ashamed of? You didn't burn down the school!"
"I kissed the cafeteria chick, dude. I wanted another Yoo Hoo."
"Did she have the hair net on?"
"Yeah."
"Dude."
"I know." Cartman hung his head.