(no subject)

[beef_is_best]

im in another one of those moments. where i feel completley alone. and like a worthless being. i feel like all i ever do is just disgust everyone around me. i hate feeling this way, but i do right now. i saw hannah dolby today and that made me smile. i think she really gets me and me and her have full conversations without saying much, i guess id consider her one of my very best friends, tho i dont see her often. we made a big scene about seeing each other. i was at the summer theatre play mrs.lehman did and her little sister was in it ( and did really well ) and so i thought "hmm...it would be cool if hannah was here". so intermission rolls along and i begin to search for her. and i spotted her. i called out her name, but she didnt look. i called it again and she turned around and her eyes got all big and we both screamed. ha. she ran over and we hugged and everyone stared, but they obviously dont understand we havent seen each other in months. she apoligized for not calling, said it was because she thought i hated her for quitting dumsers. i told her it didnt matter and we reminiced about funny times we had together working at dumsers until the play started again. and i just felt good being beside her again. wow, i know this sounds incredibly lesbian, but shes my best friend. and i barely get to see her. we're best friends because we're not afraid to tell each other what we really think. we like being honest with each other. we're best friends b/c we laugh, cry, and talk together. all in the same day. we're best friends, because we share awesome memories, like watching that gay princess movie with anne hataway where she does whatever people tell her or whatever and laughed endlessly at the closing song / dance routine. i dont think i would have watched it with anyone else. we go shopping together and talk about getting those wtaer massages together and get pedis together (resulting in one very wet nail guy, considering hannah is hyperly ticklish on her feet). we have fun together. and i love her to death.

but even TODAY i felt like i repulsed her. there she was with her perfect skin and tiny waist and cute clothes. and i stood there wearing too small jeans with my love handles and acne prone face feeling ugly and that she was thinking, "why am i friends with this freak". also, i feel annoying. very annoying.

APRIL - i just want to let you know that if any of my remarks at work about the whip cream or whatever are honest to God to help you. in no way am i trying to bring you down or hurt your feelings. i just dont want to see you get yelled at by iris or bill or tim. im really really sorry if you felt that way, and if you really want me to stop mentioning things, i will. because i love you and you're one of the coolest people ive ever met. and im glad i got that off my chest because ive been meaning to talk to you about that, i really feel bad, like ive hurt your feelings. and im so sorry. i swear i did it for your benefit.

i think thats enough slef-pitying for now. how many more days until im out of high school?