**WARNING** long, kate discussing her thoughts at 3am. that should say enough
this break has left me questioning life, mine and those around me, more than i ever have before. although last year i felt as though everyone i knew from san diego was moving forward in their lives, it wasn't until this christmas break that i really felt this split becoming a reality. hearing people talk about how it was the last time they would spend an extended period of time here or what they will be doing during their next summer break away from home it all suddenly felt real. up until tonight i've been confused with how i felt about everything. first, i've felt for a while now that i've moved on from high school a lot less than many people around me. because i moved here so late in my childhood or maybe its just me...whatever the reason, i've felt like i've been trying to hold onto things more than those around me. but then again in other ways i have moved on and i do spend less time here, lots of the time in temecula. so maybe i'm just seeing the ways other people are moving on different from the way i am.
in so many ways i feel like i feel a lot less ready to grow up and move onto this next stage of life than lots of people. i do feel like i just got to california and i've only been friends with my friends from san diego for a few years, half of which has now been spent apart. i'm so tired of moving on to different groups of friends, so much of me just wishes i could stay with this group. maybe i haven't been here long enough to WANT to get away as much as other people and maybe for me i'm torn between the fact that going off to college to the east coast, like so many people i know, would have been escaping to somewhere i spent most of my life. so what am i supposed to do? by chance or by choice my friends at school aren't a group like i had for the year and a half in san diego and i miss that. maybe if i had that base group i'd feel more calm about transitioning friendships, but i don't know. i have had so many amazing groups of friends in the last 8 years and i've left all of them only to start over. on the one hand i suppose i wouldn't have met the next group without leaving the first or second or third, but on the other hand i just want a solid group that i can count on and won't have to leave in a few weeks, months, or years.
i guess that's life and i know i always end up rambling about this on here, but this is what i think about i guess. and i think i'm finally starting to come to terms with this transition. not that i feel much better about it or that it doesn't make me cry when i think about the fact that this might be the last time of being able to "come home" really hanging out with a bunch of high school friends for an extended period of time, but i'm trying to understand life better and feel better about it. i've realized that i need to start trying harder to move on, to feel like that is home and it should feel that way. the fact that i only went 100 miles from home makes it hard. i don't feel like i've had a complete change of environment and i don't feel like i've done something completely new. but at the time of applying in 12th grade, i'd lived here for barely over a year and the thought of returning to the northeast felt very old. maybe just the distance would have helped. or maybe a different school. i hate blaming unsatisfiedness (is that a word?) on occidental because there are so many things about it that just recently i've come to appreciate and make me glad i'm not anywhere else, but at the same time, i don't feel like i have my niche of friends. i have a few good friends and i feel like they have some good friends, but i don't have a bunch of people that are all friends, which i feel like i'm missing out on when i hear high school friends talk.
this break ive realized i need to stop thinking about things and make a good situation out of my situation. not just contemplate and analyze, what i need to do is just act. i feel like its hard to get to know people at oxy. i mean, while people are friendly, i guess there's this part of me that feels like i don't have much in common with so many people i meet. so many sorrority girls, which apparently isn't really that high of a number, but i really was just hoping to have some friends with similar interests. a group of friends who like to go to shows and i can joke around with without feeling like i'm becoming someone who i'm not. that's not to say that i don't have some good friends who i feel this with, but i feel like they also have their lives and i'm not really a full part of them. that if we hang out its just us, it's not a group where its like "oh let me call ____, ______, and _______." that's what i miss and i feel like exsists elsewhere. i dont know maybe i'm just wishing for something thats not realistic or something that is in the past but i just feel like it was nice. and thats what i miss most of highschool.
while at ljcds, my short time there, i never felt like i didnt have people to hang out with. i knew that if people were getting together i'd get a phonecall and i didnt feel lonely. anyway i'm just rambling, but the point is, i really really miss those friends. and i know that it's inevitable that things change, and that i'm ok in accepting the things that i've changed and that i need to do that for my friends, but seeing so many people moving away already and feeling the growing gap between highschool and college, not even that we've all changed so much, just feeling like we're al actually growing up, it makes me sad. i know i've never liked change, but i feel like the older i get the harder it is to accept and the harder i try to hold on. i know that you can never keep up friendships the way they were when people were all living together or near each other, but i always try to make the attempt as long as possible. i mean, i'm friends with camp friends from 8th grade on facebook that i still regard as some of my old best friends, despite the fact that we were together for a month and i never saw most of them again. ah life. i always try and remember that the best thing one can do is take the good from every situation or relationship and apply it to their own life and other situaitons or relationships they encounter in the future. appreciate people while they are there and remember them when they're gone, but allow yourself to progress through life and live in the present. it's just harder than it sounds.
i realize that this is one of the last times we have to be "kids." maybe some of us will move back home after college, most of us will continue to move away. the fact that i'm only in los angeles makes me jealous of those in boston, philadelpha, new york, etc... because i feel like i'd have 2 seperate lives more than i feel like now. i don't want to think of "what ifs" cause that's silly, but i need to find a way to define my life so i feel like i'm in charge and i'm happy with the way i see it going and the person i'm becoming. i liked who i was in 12th grade as far as i recall and i don't want to lose that person. this break has really made me look at who i'm becoming and how and even though i'm sure i'm going to have another one of these late night questioning conversations with myself relatively soon, i'm glad i can start to progress. i don't want to feel stuck, i always want to feel like i'm moving. and i always want to feel like i'm moving in a good direction with good people to good places. as cliche as that sounds. i think italy will be good for me.
in so many ways i feel like i feel a lot less ready to grow up and move onto this next stage of life than lots of people. i do feel like i just got to california and i've only been friends with my friends from san diego for a few years, half of which has now been spent apart. i'm so tired of moving on to different groups of friends, so much of me just wishes i could stay with this group. maybe i haven't been here long enough to WANT to get away as much as other people and maybe for me i'm torn between the fact that going off to college to the east coast, like so many people i know, would have been escaping to somewhere i spent most of my life. so what am i supposed to do? by chance or by choice my friends at school aren't a group like i had for the year and a half in san diego and i miss that. maybe if i had that base group i'd feel more calm about transitioning friendships, but i don't know. i have had so many amazing groups of friends in the last 8 years and i've left all of them only to start over. on the one hand i suppose i wouldn't have met the next group without leaving the first or second or third, but on the other hand i just want a solid group that i can count on and won't have to leave in a few weeks, months, or years.
i guess that's life and i know i always end up rambling about this on here, but this is what i think about i guess. and i think i'm finally starting to come to terms with this transition. not that i feel much better about it or that it doesn't make me cry when i think about the fact that this might be the last time of being able to "come home" really hanging out with a bunch of high school friends for an extended period of time, but i'm trying to understand life better and feel better about it. i've realized that i need to start trying harder to move on, to feel like that is home and it should feel that way. the fact that i only went 100 miles from home makes it hard. i don't feel like i've had a complete change of environment and i don't feel like i've done something completely new. but at the time of applying in 12th grade, i'd lived here for barely over a year and the thought of returning to the northeast felt very old. maybe just the distance would have helped. or maybe a different school. i hate blaming unsatisfiedness (is that a word?) on occidental because there are so many things about it that just recently i've come to appreciate and make me glad i'm not anywhere else, but at the same time, i don't feel like i have my niche of friends. i have a few good friends and i feel like they have some good friends, but i don't have a bunch of people that are all friends, which i feel like i'm missing out on when i hear high school friends talk.
this break ive realized i need to stop thinking about things and make a good situation out of my situation. not just contemplate and analyze, what i need to do is just act. i feel like its hard to get to know people at oxy. i mean, while people are friendly, i guess there's this part of me that feels like i don't have much in common with so many people i meet. so many sorrority girls, which apparently isn't really that high of a number, but i really was just hoping to have some friends with similar interests. a group of friends who like to go to shows and i can joke around with without feeling like i'm becoming someone who i'm not. that's not to say that i don't have some good friends who i feel this with, but i feel like they also have their lives and i'm not really a full part of them. that if we hang out its just us, it's not a group where its like "oh let me call ____, ______, and _______." that's what i miss and i feel like exsists elsewhere. i dont know maybe i'm just wishing for something thats not realistic or something that is in the past but i just feel like it was nice. and thats what i miss most of highschool.
while at ljcds, my short time there, i never felt like i didnt have people to hang out with. i knew that if people were getting together i'd get a phonecall and i didnt feel lonely. anyway i'm just rambling, but the point is, i really really miss those friends. and i know that it's inevitable that things change, and that i'm ok in accepting the things that i've changed and that i need to do that for my friends, but seeing so many people moving away already and feeling the growing gap between highschool and college, not even that we've all changed so much, just feeling like we're al actually growing up, it makes me sad. i know i've never liked change, but i feel like the older i get the harder it is to accept and the harder i try to hold on. i know that you can never keep up friendships the way they were when people were all living together or near each other, but i always try to make the attempt as long as possible. i mean, i'm friends with camp friends from 8th grade on facebook that i still regard as some of my old best friends, despite the fact that we were together for a month and i never saw most of them again. ah life. i always try and remember that the best thing one can do is take the good from every situation or relationship and apply it to their own life and other situaitons or relationships they encounter in the future. appreciate people while they are there and remember them when they're gone, but allow yourself to progress through life and live in the present. it's just harder than it sounds.
i realize that this is one of the last times we have to be "kids." maybe some of us will move back home after college, most of us will continue to move away. the fact that i'm only in los angeles makes me jealous of those in boston, philadelpha, new york, etc... because i feel like i'd have 2 seperate lives more than i feel like now. i don't want to think of "what ifs" cause that's silly, but i need to find a way to define my life so i feel like i'm in charge and i'm happy with the way i see it going and the person i'm becoming. i liked who i was in 12th grade as far as i recall and i don't want to lose that person. this break has really made me look at who i'm becoming and how and even though i'm sure i'm going to have another one of these late night questioning conversations with myself relatively soon, i'm glad i can start to progress. i don't want to feel stuck, i always want to feel like i'm moving. and i always want to feel like i'm moving in a good direction with good people to good places. as cliche as that sounds. i think italy will be good for me.