The Bitter Old Lady
I honestly believe I am becoming this bitter old lady. Or maybe I just need some time away from my friends, whom I love dearly...but feel are crowding me and I'm unable to grow, through no fault of their own. Everybody...is always at the center of his or her own drama, and while I am perfectly okay with this idea...I feel like I am always being crushed with the problems and issues and such...and okay, that's being a good friend, but...I don't want it to be at my expense, the expense being my ability to grow and be just as successful in my own life.
Basically, I don't want to be the Starter Friend that helps with all your menial problems in the beginning or when a boyfriend/girlfriend isn't there for you, only to be forgotten later on when times are looking a bit brighter. I don't want to be the person who puts off her duties and goals and responsibilities...in order to come through for someone else.
Not all the time, anyway. Sometimes...is perfectly fine. I know I can't rule or dictate when I should step up and be a good person -- this should be innate, part of my nature -- but sometimes I would rather just remember myself before someone else (if that makes any sense).
A long time ago, when I was growing up in church, someone (a youth leader, I think) was teaching a Bible lesson and said, in layman's terms when he was describing a passage somewhere, "You can't help others if you can't help yourself first." I don't recall which passage he was referring to, and I'm entirely too lazy to take out that old leather cover Bible with my name embossed in front in silver foil (yes, I was once like that) to look it up, but despite the fact there are religious connotations...it stands true. More true now than when I was 15 and eagerly soaking up all the crazy religious information I was being fed, growing up in an Evangelical church.
I don't want to be Mother Theresa, don't get me wrong. I just want to achieve the things I set out to do...without being sidetracked with others' issues. I want to say that I have enough problems of my own! -- but to say that would be untrue, because I don't live a charmed life...I just have fewer problems than many others do, comparatively.
Lately, the Bitter Old Lady Feeling has been pretty overwhelming, to say the least. I think about the issues that my own friends are dealing with, and I think, "God, that's not even a PROBLEM." I don't think of it as individual friends, so don't single yourself out -- I actually think it's as a whole, and mainly, I'm most likely just tired and rundown and in need of a vacation that doesn't involve running rampant through Vegas, trying to get into all clubs possible while drunk.
I think it's more that I feel like I'm at a dead end when so many things are going on in OTHER people's lives. While I should feel honored to have been made a part of it...I think when you know the number of people I do (and that's not to say that I'm popular by any means!), it's really, really tiring and completely slows you down from having your very own life.
The worst thought I have about all this is that I put myself here and made the conscious decision to fill my life up with other people, so much so that I can't do my own life as well as I feel I could.
Basically, I don't want to be the Starter Friend that helps with all your menial problems in the beginning or when a boyfriend/girlfriend isn't there for you, only to be forgotten later on when times are looking a bit brighter. I don't want to be the person who puts off her duties and goals and responsibilities...in order to come through for someone else.
Not all the time, anyway. Sometimes...is perfectly fine. I know I can't rule or dictate when I should step up and be a good person -- this should be innate, part of my nature -- but sometimes I would rather just remember myself before someone else (if that makes any sense).
A long time ago, when I was growing up in church, someone (a youth leader, I think) was teaching a Bible lesson and said, in layman's terms when he was describing a passage somewhere, "You can't help others if you can't help yourself first." I don't recall which passage he was referring to, and I'm entirely too lazy to take out that old leather cover Bible with my name embossed in front in silver foil (yes, I was once like that) to look it up, but despite the fact there are religious connotations...it stands true. More true now than when I was 15 and eagerly soaking up all the crazy religious information I was being fed, growing up in an Evangelical church.
I don't want to be Mother Theresa, don't get me wrong. I just want to achieve the things I set out to do...without being sidetracked with others' issues. I want to say that I have enough problems of my own! -- but to say that would be untrue, because I don't live a charmed life...I just have fewer problems than many others do, comparatively.
Lately, the Bitter Old Lady Feeling has been pretty overwhelming, to say the least. I think about the issues that my own friends are dealing with, and I think, "God, that's not even a PROBLEM." I don't think of it as individual friends, so don't single yourself out -- I actually think it's as a whole, and mainly, I'm most likely just tired and rundown and in need of a vacation that doesn't involve running rampant through Vegas, trying to get into all clubs possible while drunk.
I think it's more that I feel like I'm at a dead end when so many things are going on in OTHER people's lives. While I should feel honored to have been made a part of it...I think when you know the number of people I do (and that's not to say that I'm popular by any means!), it's really, really tiring and completely slows you down from having your very own life.
The worst thought I have about all this is that I put myself here and made the conscious decision to fill my life up with other people, so much so that I can't do my own life as well as I feel I could.