(no subject)
It's funny. Even when you think you want something, I don't think I can truly realize how much I want something until it is gone. Take the open job at Brookdale for example. I knew that I wanted the job, but I didn't realize how much until about an hour ago when I found out I couldn't have it. I know my principal told me all the good to hear stuff like she would help me find a job and that i'm a good teacher and that blah blah blah blah blah. But butt monkeys, then why didn't she give me the job. That's the second time I have come in second for a job. But this one I really really really really wanted. So freakin much that I was acually even crying as i walked to the parking lot after school. I can ususally hold it until my car, nope, not today. so my heart is sad...a lot. and that is why i write. i write because the tears don't make the hurt go away. they just give me a headache. tears accompanied by a good friend to cry on, that can help, but just the tears keep the hurt painfully at the surface. so i write. not because i'm a good writer, but becuase I have no freakin idea of what else to do. bleching on these blasted feelings. this is why i hate to get excited about something. usually i just realize how much i wanted something after it is gone, but i think it's even worse when i know that i want it before. cause then i make the move of telling others how much i want it. then they want to know if it happened. then i have to relive the pain everytime i tell them no it didnt' happen. oh, how much fun that is. i hope this passes soon. all i've done for the past hour and a half is sulk in misery. and what's always in the back of my mind, "it wasn't meant to be" "there's something better" "you just need to trust." And are those the truth? well, yeah, but for now, i just hurt. and i don't know how to do anything about that. so i write.