seeing things means you are insane yes?
Maybe it's because i am so far from home and all that is familiar in life. & maybe its because i am surrounded by people who i have known just over a month, although they are kind and sweet and friendly, i am so lonely i could cry. And sometimes i do, like right now. Its not that i am unhappy here, i am far from that. I love my work and learning and meeting all these new people. & most of all being so far from home and all that is familiar. Its just empty sometimes. Aching and empty. I miss the brush of a kiss. The feeling of having someone hold me. I get looks here from boys, ones i am almost ashamed to admit to enjoying. I am losing weight and i am tanned and getting toned. The work in the field has made me into someone strong and firm and lean. I enjoy the stares, the slight smiles, the attempts at conversation. I thrive on it.
I am not good at settling down. I love Martha, i love that she accepts me for who i am and what i do, faults and all. She forgives me for spending more time in lab than in bed with her. And she really is an angel in disguise. But sometimes i want to run screaming that i can't be this. I cannot be someones love and i really can't be someones wife. I have too much ahead of me. Too much life left to live. And too much of myself is in a very committed relationship with school.
And to make it all worse, i am either being haunted or i have a brain tumor and i am seeing things. I keep seeing flashes of light out of the corner of my eye. Sometimes i think its a person walking by just out of my view. Other times its like a flash of lighting on a sunny day or a camera flash. Most of the time its a brief flash of white just out of view. It happens on my right side more often than not, i can't say i remember it ever happening on my left side. All signs point to a brain tumor. Or insanity. You chose.
Also i keep having the worst damn panic attacks ALL THE TIME. Over nothing 99% of the time. It needs to stop.
Sigh. There you go LJ my bi-monthly rant on my mental health and loss of sanity. I creep regularly and read my friends page. I just rarely have the energy to try and put the things in my head into words.
I am not good at settling down. I love Martha, i love that she accepts me for who i am and what i do, faults and all. She forgives me for spending more time in lab than in bed with her. And she really is an angel in disguise. But sometimes i want to run screaming that i can't be this. I cannot be someones love and i really can't be someones wife. I have too much ahead of me. Too much life left to live. And too much of myself is in a very committed relationship with school.
And to make it all worse, i am either being haunted or i have a brain tumor and i am seeing things. I keep seeing flashes of light out of the corner of my eye. Sometimes i think its a person walking by just out of my view. Other times its like a flash of lighting on a sunny day or a camera flash. Most of the time its a brief flash of white just out of view. It happens on my right side more often than not, i can't say i remember it ever happening on my left side. All signs point to a brain tumor. Or insanity. You chose.
Also i keep having the worst damn panic attacks ALL THE TIME. Over nothing 99% of the time. It needs to stop.
Sigh. There you go LJ my bi-monthly rant on my mental health and loss of sanity. I creep regularly and read my friends page. I just rarely have the energy to try and put the things in my head into words.