State of the Becky
It's all a mix of ups and downs.
I started working last month for a local manufacturer as an IT Business Analyst. I like the people, I like the company. I've learned an enormous amount about Lean Manufacturing processes and analysis. I'm good at my job; I get to work a little with SQL again, yay!
I'm moving at the end of the month, going to be rooming with an old acquaintance who's not in town a lot. I'll have a lot more usable space than I do now and the price is right.
Physically, I started the summer in better shape than I've been in years. I've lost over 50 pounds. I've been taking care of neglected aspects of my health, like my chronic mild anemia -- it's seriously amazing how much of a difference prescription iron supplements make.
But... With the new job, there's been Too Much Sitting. Haven't gained any weight but my back and leg muscles are not happy. I need to take the time to exercise, which would help with the loose skin, too. I am still fat, would probably need to lose another 50 pounds to shake off that social stigma.
I've been trying to date. So far, I've found a handful of people who seem both interesting and attractive. Unfortunately, every one of them is either over 500 miles away or is just not interested in me! I've got a couple of old friends here in St Louis who I've gone out with. Fun times, but no spark. bbwoof suits me so well; it's very hard to find someone just like him, only better able to stick with a commitment over the rough patches. The more I see what other fish are in the sea, the more I want my old fish back.
And he keeps saying that's a possibility! Woof says he wants to "keep the door open", wants to be friends so we might reconcile one day. He's obviously deeply unhappy; he doesn't like sleeping alone any more than I do. But he still chooses to think that I want to reconcile only for financial reasons. It's as if he cannot hear or understand anything I've said all year about my willingness to financially separate our assets. He keeps saying he's seen nothing to make him think that I don't want him only as a meal-ticket, but won't say what would make him think otherwise because I might act accordingly only to trick him. It hurts a lot, that someone who I thought knew me so well could think so badly of me.
It also makes me feel powerless, and I hate that. I feel pushed to choose the role of victim or persecutor, and I don't want to play that game.
I don't know how long I can stand at this open door of his, being told I'm not good enough to enter. I'm not sure if I should take him up on the invitation even when/if he does want me back in his life. I suspect he and I don't have the same definition of commitment, and never did. Can I ever trust him enough to relax and enjoy the relationship, knowing that throughout our marriage he was prepared for it to end?
It occurs to me that I shouldn't criticize Woof for not knowing what he'd need to convince him that I would be a good partner; after all, I haven't figured out what I need to convince me that he's worked through his issues and is able to be a good partner. I know I want him to acknowledge the extent of what I've done for his benefit, whether in the divorce or in taking care of his father, whether in the work I did around the house over the last few years or in the high-paying work I'd done in the past that enabled us to pay down the house and put extra in the 401(k).
In the divorce agreement I surrendered my right to alimony and to my share of the house, pension, and 401(k), because bbwoof didn't voluntarily acknowledge my rights to these, and he was vehement that if I took him to court he'd never consider a reconciliation. That may have been a serious mistake. I'd be better off financially, and I'd not be in this crazy situation of trying to guess what he wants me to do to prove I love him. We'd each be able to blame the other for all our problems, and go on our way...
But I do still love Woof, I do still feel committed to him, and I do miss him terribly. I want to work through my issues, and I'd like to help him do the same. So I'll keep the door open, as well.
Financially, I have enough to live on. I'm able to save 10% of my income, and also start to pay down debts. Still need to buy a car, can't keep driving alataristarion's car forever. Not looking forward to the increased expenses, though.
I don't know how long this job is going to last. Although I think I'm beneficial for the company, I'm not sure my employer thinks so. The job I interviewed for is not exactly what they hired me to do and I feel like I'm getting mixed messages. They brought me in not an employee but as an independent contractor. This means higher taxes and absolutely no benefits and no job security. If I didn't like the work or the company, I'd shrug that off and spend my free time looking for the next thing... But I do like it there.
I've billed less than half the hours I've worked. That's partially because I don't think it's right as a consultant to bill for training, set-up, and administrative tasks; so I haven't charged for all that self-education on Lean Mfg, learning how to use their ERP, refreshing my memory on tricky formulas, etc. And I don't want to go over the budget for this project, which includes only 100 hours of my time.
Wise, or foolish? I don't know. I know that by taking more time to get to know the company and the problem they want me to solve, I'm producing much better results than if I'd slammed this out in two weeks with generic, superficial knowledge. I'm OK with the cash flow. Frankly, the little bit of SQL and VBA development I get to do is so much fun that I'd do it for free.
Biggest problem with work, really, is that I tend to avoid potential conflict and rejection by withdrawing. So I find myself using "I'm working from home today" as an excuse to avoid coming in and perhaps being told not to come back. Stupid, I know, because they could just email me and tell me that. Also stupid because they'd probably like my work better if they saw me diligently plugging away. But I have to convince my subconscious of that!
I started working last month for a local manufacturer as an IT Business Analyst. I like the people, I like the company. I've learned an enormous amount about Lean Manufacturing processes and analysis. I'm good at my job; I get to work a little with SQL again, yay!
I'm moving at the end of the month, going to be rooming with an old acquaintance who's not in town a lot. I'll have a lot more usable space than I do now and the price is right.
Physically, I started the summer in better shape than I've been in years. I've lost over 50 pounds. I've been taking care of neglected aspects of my health, like my chronic mild anemia -- it's seriously amazing how much of a difference prescription iron supplements make.
But... With the new job, there's been Too Much Sitting. Haven't gained any weight but my back and leg muscles are not happy. I need to take the time to exercise, which would help with the loose skin, too. I am still fat, would probably need to lose another 50 pounds to shake off that social stigma.
I've been trying to date. So far, I've found a handful of people who seem both interesting and attractive. Unfortunately, every one of them is either over 500 miles away or is just not interested in me! I've got a couple of old friends here in St Louis who I've gone out with. Fun times, but no spark. bbwoof suits me so well; it's very hard to find someone just like him, only better able to stick with a commitment over the rough patches. The more I see what other fish are in the sea, the more I want my old fish back.
And he keeps saying that's a possibility! Woof says he wants to "keep the door open", wants to be friends so we might reconcile one day. He's obviously deeply unhappy; he doesn't like sleeping alone any more than I do. But he still chooses to think that I want to reconcile only for financial reasons. It's as if he cannot hear or understand anything I've said all year about my willingness to financially separate our assets. He keeps saying he's seen nothing to make him think that I don't want him only as a meal-ticket, but won't say what would make him think otherwise because I might act accordingly only to trick him. It hurts a lot, that someone who I thought knew me so well could think so badly of me.
It also makes me feel powerless, and I hate that. I feel pushed to choose the role of victim or persecutor, and I don't want to play that game.
I don't know how long I can stand at this open door of his, being told I'm not good enough to enter. I'm not sure if I should take him up on the invitation even when/if he does want me back in his life. I suspect he and I don't have the same definition of commitment, and never did. Can I ever trust him enough to relax and enjoy the relationship, knowing that throughout our marriage he was prepared for it to end?
It occurs to me that I shouldn't criticize Woof for not knowing what he'd need to convince him that I would be a good partner; after all, I haven't figured out what I need to convince me that he's worked through his issues and is able to be a good partner. I know I want him to acknowledge the extent of what I've done for his benefit, whether in the divorce or in taking care of his father, whether in the work I did around the house over the last few years or in the high-paying work I'd done in the past that enabled us to pay down the house and put extra in the 401(k).
In the divorce agreement I surrendered my right to alimony and to my share of the house, pension, and 401(k), because bbwoof didn't voluntarily acknowledge my rights to these, and he was vehement that if I took him to court he'd never consider a reconciliation. That may have been a serious mistake. I'd be better off financially, and I'd not be in this crazy situation of trying to guess what he wants me to do to prove I love him. We'd each be able to blame the other for all our problems, and go on our way...
But I do still love Woof, I do still feel committed to him, and I do miss him terribly. I want to work through my issues, and I'd like to help him do the same. So I'll keep the door open, as well.
Financially, I have enough to live on. I'm able to save 10% of my income, and also start to pay down debts. Still need to buy a car, can't keep driving alataristarion's car forever. Not looking forward to the increased expenses, though.
I don't know how long this job is going to last. Although I think I'm beneficial for the company, I'm not sure my employer thinks so. The job I interviewed for is not exactly what they hired me to do and I feel like I'm getting mixed messages. They brought me in not an employee but as an independent contractor. This means higher taxes and absolutely no benefits and no job security. If I didn't like the work or the company, I'd shrug that off and spend my free time looking for the next thing... But I do like it there.
I've billed less than half the hours I've worked. That's partially because I don't think it's right as a consultant to bill for training, set-up, and administrative tasks; so I haven't charged for all that self-education on Lean Mfg, learning how to use their ERP, refreshing my memory on tricky formulas, etc. And I don't want to go over the budget for this project, which includes only 100 hours of my time.
Wise, or foolish? I don't know. I know that by taking more time to get to know the company and the problem they want me to solve, I'm producing much better results than if I'd slammed this out in two weeks with generic, superficial knowledge. I'm OK with the cash flow. Frankly, the little bit of SQL and VBA development I get to do is so much fun that I'd do it for free.
Biggest problem with work, really, is that I tend to avoid potential conflict and rejection by withdrawing. So I find myself using "I'm working from home today" as an excuse to avoid coming in and perhaps being told not to come back. Stupid, I know, because they could just email me and tell me that. Also stupid because they'd probably like my work better if they saw me diligently plugging away. But I have to convince my subconscious of that!