First Post
I'm new to this community, but i've been reading proanorexia for months now. I think its such a great means of support and its so nice to see people caring about each other. So i'm applying to get membership, so hopefully I can join you all.
Anyway here's a bit about me:
I'm 22 and i've been ana since the age of 14, maybe even before but thats when I started losing weight. I was always quite big as a child and i got comments, mostly from boys calling me names like fat girl. At 14 i figured i should do something about it.
To cut a long story short I dieted for a year and found it incrediblt easy......finally something i could control in my life. The more weight i lost, the happier i became. I was addicted to excersise, getting up two hours early so i could walk ten miles to school every day. I ate healthy for the first year, but after that I just wanted to be thin, so thin that i would look as though i may snap.
I dreamt about being so tiny that people would walk right past me and not see me, because i was so thin. I'd wake up more determined than eva!
Then it got hard, my parents had figured it out, so had my teachers, so had my friends. I became the talk of everyone's conversations. I was referred to a therapist and a nutritionist. I had dropped down from about 130 to 105.
I had to go for weekly weigh ins and i found ways to fool them for a bit ig. drinking 5 pints of water before going in. Weights in my pockets, but after a while they guessed. Nothing stopped me though, i became really selfish and my goal to be thin was more important to me that anything. Looking back i can see how much i hurt my parents but at the time i was numb!
So the next two years were hell. I had to go to an eating disorder unit for a 6 month stay.....twice, which was pure hell. The girl in the room next to me managed to smuggle in a razor and she killed herself inbetween her 15 minute checks. I woke up to screaming from another patient as the dead girls blood trickled under my door.
My lowest weight eva was 70, at which point they told me I was gonna die very soon and that i had lost all padding around my organs etc. I just lay in my hospital bed (as i couldn't stand) and laughed. I can honestly say at that point, death would have been a huge relief.
But.... it wasn't meant to be cos i'm still here. I convinced myself at 20 that i wanted to be normal and i gained weight to 115. I felt awful but i did it as i was happy with a boyfriend etc and really wanted a normal life. That relationship ended last year and i fell into depression, i am feeling all the same old feelings back again.
Oh god i just wanna be thin. I know it wont make everything better in my life but its a goal and something to live for. Thats where i am now. I'm living in London England and work in an office. My current weight is 109 but i wanna be 100 by beginning of March.
I would love to get to know you all better and i'm always here to chat if you wanna ask me anythin or need some advice.
So a big hi to all of you that have added me to your friend list and hopefully i will be accepted onto the pro ana community soon.
Kisses
Becky
Anyway here's a bit about me:
I'm 22 and i've been ana since the age of 14, maybe even before but thats when I started losing weight. I was always quite big as a child and i got comments, mostly from boys calling me names like fat girl. At 14 i figured i should do something about it.
To cut a long story short I dieted for a year and found it incrediblt easy......finally something i could control in my life. The more weight i lost, the happier i became. I was addicted to excersise, getting up two hours early so i could walk ten miles to school every day. I ate healthy for the first year, but after that I just wanted to be thin, so thin that i would look as though i may snap.
I dreamt about being so tiny that people would walk right past me and not see me, because i was so thin. I'd wake up more determined than eva!
Then it got hard, my parents had figured it out, so had my teachers, so had my friends. I became the talk of everyone's conversations. I was referred to a therapist and a nutritionist. I had dropped down from about 130 to 105.
I had to go for weekly weigh ins and i found ways to fool them for a bit ig. drinking 5 pints of water before going in. Weights in my pockets, but after a while they guessed. Nothing stopped me though, i became really selfish and my goal to be thin was more important to me that anything. Looking back i can see how much i hurt my parents but at the time i was numb!
So the next two years were hell. I had to go to an eating disorder unit for a 6 month stay.....twice, which was pure hell. The girl in the room next to me managed to smuggle in a razor and she killed herself inbetween her 15 minute checks. I woke up to screaming from another patient as the dead girls blood trickled under my door.
My lowest weight eva was 70, at which point they told me I was gonna die very soon and that i had lost all padding around my organs etc. I just lay in my hospital bed (as i couldn't stand) and laughed. I can honestly say at that point, death would have been a huge relief.
But.... it wasn't meant to be cos i'm still here. I convinced myself at 20 that i wanted to be normal and i gained weight to 115. I felt awful but i did it as i was happy with a boyfriend etc and really wanted a normal life. That relationship ended last year and i fell into depression, i am feeling all the same old feelings back again.
Oh god i just wanna be thin. I know it wont make everything better in my life but its a goal and something to live for. Thats where i am now. I'm living in London England and work in an office. My current weight is 109 but i wanna be 100 by beginning of March.
I would love to get to know you all better and i'm always here to chat if you wanna ask me anythin or need some advice.
So a big hi to all of you that have added me to your friend list and hopefully i will be accepted onto the pro ana community soon.
Kisses
Becky