(no subject)
so. i have this strong urge to go to israel. not as a political thing or a "personal statement of solidarity" as my mom wants to interpret it. i just really want to be there. largely because i want to be somewhere that is not here. if i had family to stay with and automatic welcome into italy or costa rica, maybe i would be more interested in going to those places. of course israel is different. i don't the country should be thought of like a symbol. and i would like to be there and figure things out. i would like to push myself and feel more real things. instead of going into an office everyday where no one talks to me or hanging around palo alto where everything seems old and tired. i worry that i am turning into a horribly negative person that doesn't know how to enjoy anything, but maybe i just haven't been doing that many enjoyable things. i am so bad at doing things and of course i don't even do anything about that. so perhaps i will be off to israel soon. it would be nice to have tons of disposable incomes so i could easily do these types of things, but of course i judge moneymakers. oh goodness!