My icon is in season!
maybe no one will read this. its super personal and i didnt realize it until i finished that i was proud of it. not sure why. i know that some like megan will read all of this.
and it is for people like you megan that i am appreciative because you take the time to get to know me through something as (maybe) arbitrary as a livejournal entry.
which offers a lot of insight to me, and is personal. so maybe not so arbitrary.
this entry and all its random thoughts come full circle. as i find that life, often does. it takes its sweet time, but it does.
Today is the best day because it is december first. and december first is a special day at least to me because it is the first day that i allow myself to listen to christmas music. its not that i run from the stores when they play silent night, what i consider to be, prematurely. infact i secretly covet those moments internally singing along(perhaps even harmonizing) as i exercise my right as a liar an actress and exclaim "its not even thanksgiving yet, why cant they wait for that to be OVER before they decide to play christmas music?!"
See, i do believe that. im not a complete liar. but i still sort of like it cause it makes me excited for december first.
so its december first. my offiicial beginning to the christmas season.
and i get happy, and thats almost immediately squashed by inordinate amounts of anxiety.
first of all, im poor. i hope you all like chocolate covered pretzels and wonderful arrangements of music made my me. cause thats all youre getting. haha. :)
also, the weeks between thanksgiving and christmas makes me want to kill myself. those last weeks of the semester are always so stressful.
FOR EXAMPLE. i have a 45 minute presentation on Vsevolod Meyerhold due on tuesday. If you dont know who he is and want me to explain- tough cookies for you. fucking look him up. If i had to you can do it too. im not hostile, no not at all.
But this time of year does make me think. It does remind me of things that are important and it makes me grateful for all that i have and all the important people in my life and all other hallmark- approved sentiments. but i feel like if you say or feelsomething worth of being documented by hallmark in a gold and sparkly card, it cant be all bad.
marilyn manson might disagree, but im not inviting him to my christmas party now am i?
life is good.
and not just cause its december first, although i love hanson christmas music. thats helping my mood.
but ive been saying that and feeling that for a while now. which is odd cause not too long ago i was desolate and lost and feeling like things were never going to get better.
i was cursing at god claiming he "has no idea what hes doing" and "doesnt care for me at all" cause if he did he wouldnt "do this to me" whatever "this" happened to be at the time.
and when that moment of grace and humility came proving all these (LEGITIMATE) horrible things i was feeling to be not so bad or at least to HALFWAY resolve themselves- his gentle way of saying "TOLD YA SO".
i often found myself saying, sheepishly "ok, so maybe you know what youre doing" ususally if its i say that to mysel foutloud, or i give a meaningful look up(i opt for that when in public or with other people)
until the next thing happens and i curse him again. and he says, gently, told ya so. and i eat my words. its a special relationship we have worked out.
and maybe right now youre reading this thinking "when did becky laird get so RELIGIOUS"
perhaps maybe only renee knows roadtrip down the different roads of denominations. but ive always believed in god. maybe not a white robed man with a flowing beard and a thunderbolt. and i havent really dismissed the idea of a god and a goddess. that moon still gets me every time, every time. i dont even disregard that maybe god is me and i am god. a little bit of god makes me and everything around me but there is still yet somehow, inexplicibly, a higher force while i am yet still somehow a part of this higher force, and we make this sort of ULTIMATE cosmic force. i dont dismiss that. i just dont believe that jesus christ is the messiah, and i dont exacltly look for nor value a messiah. so needless to say i havent "accepted jesus as my lord and savior" and i guess you could also say i havent been "saved"
and im sort of really okay with that, cause i dont think i need saving. i mean im far from perfect and i have a lot of lessons to learn and all that jazz. but i already know how to be a good person and im getting better at it everyday.
im learning to love myself as well as i already have the capacity to love others.
that, in itself, is one of the hardest things to do. and i work on it every day. and some days are super harder than others. maybe tomorrow i might read this entry and want to puke on it and all its optimistic glitter.
i work through those days.
it is this time of year i find myself being most puzzled with my lack of labeled spiritual beliefs, because this society sure does love its categorization and its labels. i often find myself feeling whimsical and often emotional in christmas time masses thinking "WOW have i been christian THIS WHOLE time, which is what i was to start with, and i denoucned it and here i am again? did i waste all that time" then the preacher will start talking and i wont disagree with eberything he says. but i will with most of it. or at least the big things.
mostly everything to do with christ.
and not that christ wasnt a great man. and i dont disagree with the points he makes that tell us to be a good person. if being a good person was its own religion i would be at the pope, cause i actively try all the time to figure out ways i can be a better person. im not tooting my own horn. im just talkin'.
i understand why people believe in christ. i almost envy it. its a very very comforting notion. i am always happy for those people and never think "ohh, youre one of those" (like some people i love and know do) when people tell me they have recently been "saved".
i dont know. i dont even know waht im talking about anymore.
anyway back to how all these thoughts came full circle in my brain, and how it moved me to document it via LIVEJOURNAL. (ah, our generation. all other people of substance that i look up to would have written it down. damn. haha)
anyway so i often find myself in christmas mass listening to the music going "OH MY GOD AM I CHRISTIAN!?" and once its done i remember why i started to explore other options.
but you might ask "why the hell are you at CATHOLIC christmas mass if you dont believe in CHRIST"
answer: not sure.
haha, im not sure. i enjoy them. my aunt is a very religious lady. i enjoy the time with her. i enjoy what church brings, as far as community goes. i enjoy the music. i enjoy the calmness of it on a christmas night. i enjoy the candles. i enjoy the comfort it brings. i enjoy the stories. i enjoy what morals and rites of humanity and community he represents. and i think, at least i tell myself this, that if jesus was the great person so many people on this earth believe him to be, he wouldnt cast me away for hanging out with the member of my community in our(yes i affiliate myself with it, ballsy of me i know) beautifully lit and decorated(however a bit drafty) church to reflect on the good things in my life and why i am even here to begin with.
i like to think he'd give me a hug and say "welcome" or something cooler than that probably.
for anyone who wanted to hear my religious ramblings, awesome.
if youre offended well im sorry. it was more for me that it was for you, anyway.
if you enjoyed it, well thanks.
and ill be back here in six months cause i forever forget to post.
haha, ill see you at easter.
PS my icon is gollum opening a christmas present. and that christmas present is a hanson album. i love lord of the rings and i love hanson.
this icon has been up since last christmas. haha.