if we're lucky we'll come back as cats

[beckxx]

pretty often lately i've been lapsing into these fits of panic and anxiety about my new lack of a future, regretting everything i've ever done and said. its not productive and i probably need spiritual guidance or prozac or a vacation. usually the only thing that can pull me out of it is my cat. i call him harry, kombucha, peaches, sweet baby, all of those lovey things. i think in his last life he had an extremely high IQ and a family he loved a lot. i think he was a chemist and that he worked in a lab doing things that he didn't necessarily believe in. i think he died young in what he considered the best part of his life and that he was extremely thankful for everything he had. i don't think he was afraid to die. i think he feels like something is missing now but its not something he can articulate. i think he tries, though. i don't think he knows that i can't always understand him.

i've stopped feeling sad when i see possums and racoons on the side of the road. i've stopped trying to impress anyone. when i look in the mirror i don't even recognize myself anymore.