GRRRRRRRRRARR
So, why is it that whenever i need a hug, it's generally BECAUSE of the only person who's available to give me one?
Maybe i attract the blatant assholes. Maybe it's me? But honestly, i don't see how something i do could possibly turn every man in my life into a total asshole. Especially since i've been doing different things.
I mean, shit, with aj i went so far out of my way to not fight that i turned into a doormat. We did whatever he wanted to do. We went wherever he wanted to go. We listened to, watched, or played whatever he wanted. I had no opinions of my own. I did nothing on my own. And the very very few times i mentioned wanting to go somewhere, he generally stayed home.
That's so not me. But i was happy with him, therefore i wanted him to be happy with me. Does that make sense?
In any case, it certainly didn't get me anywhere, because he left. And then when we were still... "whatever"ing after we had broken up, as soon as i started showing signs of a backbone, he no longer wanted to even be my friend. How dare i express an opinion of my own. How dare i express my disappointment. How dare i.
And then i went and did the exact same thing, both in my job at the tattoo shop, and my "relationship" with his highness the deaf wonder, the ghetto prince of ocd. I did what they said to do, acted how they said to act, and became who they wanted me to be.
Fuck that shit.
Which brings us to his Lordship Marine God of the Year, may he never do wrong. I am ME, god damn it. I don't care who he wants me to be. If he's not happy with me as i am, well, he can move right the fuck out and make it on his own. Oh wait, no, he can't. It's hard to support yourself when you only have 25 hours of work a week, and half of that goes to child support that your broken ass couldn't pay while you were unemployed.
Sucks to be you.
He keeps accusing me of holding things over his head. Yes, i pay most of the rent. Yes, i pay most of the bills. Oh and have i mentioned who pays for the food? And what about who drives to and from work because the other party doesn't have a car OR a license? I would probably be living EASIER on my own. I'd certainly spend less on food, and i'd never be late for work.
I don't hold it over his head because i want him to feel bad. I don't even try to "rub it in", so to speak. But i would APPRECIATE a little GRATITUDE! Don't bitch me out because you misunderstood something i said, and then tell me that you need cigarettes like you expect me to just forget every horrible thing you have just said about me and run right out and buy you some!
And then he tells me to grow up, and that i need to get out of my "sheltered" life. Nevermind the fact that i was living on my own since pretty much 18, except for when i had knee surgery and when aj left because i was so depressed i didn't even go to work. And let's just ignore the whole being raped-taken advantage of-and screwed over entirely thing, since apparently that's how sheltered people live their lives. And forget about the various drug addictions/habits/etc that i had going off and on for a long time now. Because sheltered people come into contact with opium, coke, and heroin ALL the time! Sheltered people work for ex-con biker rapist assholes just because they think that's what they need to do to get the job they've always dreamed of.
Of course, there's certainly no telling HIM that, because he is always right and his word is the Truth as we know it.
I am done being taken advantage of, and being taken for granted.
I try to be nice, and to help people out. I am generally a giving person by nature. But when it comes to be expected of me, and when harsh words are spoken because i DON'T do something nice, for once, something has to be done. No more.
I WILL NOT BE TAKEN FOR GRANTED!!!!
If i have to cut him off completely, fine. I can live without sex, though some people would argue to that. Fuck them, too. I can go without, i just don't like to. But i know i won't die if i don't get laid, so everyone just shut the fuck up on that. It's no longer funny, even if you think it is.
So fine. No sex for me? No sex for him, either. And no help, financially or otherwise. Sucks to be him. No money for lunch? Borrow some from somebody else. At least you'd pay THEM back. No money for gas? Walk to work, won't hurt ME any to drive past your straggling ass on your way to work. No snacks in the house? Try getting food stamps. Or starve. I DON'T FUCKING CARE!!!
But sadly, i do. I know i won't let him starve. I know i won't let him go homeless. But i am just so FRUSTRATED. I can't be the only nice person on the face of the planet. I can't be the only non-selfish person in rochester. I just can't be.
::sigh:: Whatever. I'm going to make a sandwich and go watch some tv or something. Fuck shaun. He can entertain his own damn self.
Maybe i attract the blatant assholes. Maybe it's me? But honestly, i don't see how something i do could possibly turn every man in my life into a total asshole. Especially since i've been doing different things.
I mean, shit, with aj i went so far out of my way to not fight that i turned into a doormat. We did whatever he wanted to do. We went wherever he wanted to go. We listened to, watched, or played whatever he wanted. I had no opinions of my own. I did nothing on my own. And the very very few times i mentioned wanting to go somewhere, he generally stayed home.
That's so not me. But i was happy with him, therefore i wanted him to be happy with me. Does that make sense?
In any case, it certainly didn't get me anywhere, because he left. And then when we were still... "whatever"ing after we had broken up, as soon as i started showing signs of a backbone, he no longer wanted to even be my friend. How dare i express an opinion of my own. How dare i express my disappointment. How dare i.
And then i went and did the exact same thing, both in my job at the tattoo shop, and my "relationship" with his highness the deaf wonder, the ghetto prince of ocd. I did what they said to do, acted how they said to act, and became who they wanted me to be.
Fuck that shit.
Which brings us to his Lordship Marine God of the Year, may he never do wrong. I am ME, god damn it. I don't care who he wants me to be. If he's not happy with me as i am, well, he can move right the fuck out and make it on his own. Oh wait, no, he can't. It's hard to support yourself when you only have 25 hours of work a week, and half of that goes to child support that your broken ass couldn't pay while you were unemployed.
Sucks to be you.
He keeps accusing me of holding things over his head. Yes, i pay most of the rent. Yes, i pay most of the bills. Oh and have i mentioned who pays for the food? And what about who drives to and from work because the other party doesn't have a car OR a license? I would probably be living EASIER on my own. I'd certainly spend less on food, and i'd never be late for work.
I don't hold it over his head because i want him to feel bad. I don't even try to "rub it in", so to speak. But i would APPRECIATE a little GRATITUDE! Don't bitch me out because you misunderstood something i said, and then tell me that you need cigarettes like you expect me to just forget every horrible thing you have just said about me and run right out and buy you some!
And then he tells me to grow up, and that i need to get out of my "sheltered" life. Nevermind the fact that i was living on my own since pretty much 18, except for when i had knee surgery and when aj left because i was so depressed i didn't even go to work. And let's just ignore the whole being raped-taken advantage of-and screwed over entirely thing, since apparently that's how sheltered people live their lives. And forget about the various drug addictions/habits/etc that i had going off and on for a long time now. Because sheltered people come into contact with opium, coke, and heroin ALL the time! Sheltered people work for ex-con biker rapist assholes just because they think that's what they need to do to get the job they've always dreamed of.
Of course, there's certainly no telling HIM that, because he is always right and his word is the Truth as we know it.
I am done being taken advantage of, and being taken for granted.
I try to be nice, and to help people out. I am generally a giving person by nature. But when it comes to be expected of me, and when harsh words are spoken because i DON'T do something nice, for once, something has to be done. No more.
I WILL NOT BE TAKEN FOR GRANTED!!!!
If i have to cut him off completely, fine. I can live without sex, though some people would argue to that. Fuck them, too. I can go without, i just don't like to. But i know i won't die if i don't get laid, so everyone just shut the fuck up on that. It's no longer funny, even if you think it is.
So fine. No sex for me? No sex for him, either. And no help, financially or otherwise. Sucks to be him. No money for lunch? Borrow some from somebody else. At least you'd pay THEM back. No money for gas? Walk to work, won't hurt ME any to drive past your straggling ass on your way to work. No snacks in the house? Try getting food stamps. Or starve. I DON'T FUCKING CARE!!!
But sadly, i do. I know i won't let him starve. I know i won't let him go homeless. But i am just so FRUSTRATED. I can't be the only nice person on the face of the planet. I can't be the only non-selfish person in rochester. I just can't be.
::sigh:: Whatever. I'm going to make a sandwich and go watch some tv or something. Fuck shaun. He can entertain his own damn self.