I'm gonna to hike back to 2006..
I've already had enough of this year. I really have v_v
*sighs* I visited my nana in the hospital today. She's been in several weeks now, she has dementia, can't recognize people, forgets to get dressed.. They decided she wasn't safe at home when she vanished one night in her nightgown and one slipper, let herself into somebody else's house and lay down on their kitchen floor saying she wanted to go home but refusing to tell them (or unable to, I don't know) who she was or where 'home' was. Yeah. A couple of police calls later she was bought back home and social services came for her the next morning.
I admit I've been cowardly.. I didn't visit her in hospital. I didn't want her to stare right through me without recognizing me, I didn't want to see how frail she's become. I wanted to remember her how she used to be. As the nana who taught me to read and knit, the nana who used to take me to the river every sunday in summer to catch fish and look for conkers. The nana who used to walk with me to visit the horses before we went blackberry picking in the huge rambling bush on the corner. That's how I want to remember her.
So why the visit today? Well, essentially to say goodbye. She's dying. I found out last night that the hospital had called in my mum and dad and uncle and they were taking turns sitting with her. She was expected to die last night I think but she's a trooper and hasn't gone yet. But it's pretty much going to be this week. In some way I hope it is.. I don't want to be on holiday when I get that horrible call saying she's stopped fighting. I guess that's selfish of me though. To be honest I don't want her to die at all. I want a miracle. I want her to suddenly sit up, take away that horrid oxygen mask, to breath for herself, blink and wake up.
She looks so frail right now.. I wanted to run when I walked into her room, I wanted to deny this was -my- nana. Someone else's maybe, but not mine. Not my sweet, patient nana who used to knit me jumpers for Christmas when I was little. She had earrings in. They looked so out of place somehow.
I'm sorry.. This is becoming a very morbid post. I'll leave it now. I wish I'd seen her earlier. I wish she could get better somehow.
*sighs* I visited my nana in the hospital today. She's been in several weeks now, she has dementia, can't recognize people, forgets to get dressed.. They decided she wasn't safe at home when she vanished one night in her nightgown and one slipper, let herself into somebody else's house and lay down on their kitchen floor saying she wanted to go home but refusing to tell them (or unable to, I don't know) who she was or where 'home' was. Yeah. A couple of police calls later she was bought back home and social services came for her the next morning.
I admit I've been cowardly.. I didn't visit her in hospital. I didn't want her to stare right through me without recognizing me, I didn't want to see how frail she's become. I wanted to remember her how she used to be. As the nana who taught me to read and knit, the nana who used to take me to the river every sunday in summer to catch fish and look for conkers. The nana who used to walk with me to visit the horses before we went blackberry picking in the huge rambling bush on the corner. That's how I want to remember her.
So why the visit today? Well, essentially to say goodbye. She's dying. I found out last night that the hospital had called in my mum and dad and uncle and they were taking turns sitting with her. She was expected to die last night I think but she's a trooper and hasn't gone yet. But it's pretty much going to be this week. In some way I hope it is.. I don't want to be on holiday when I get that horrible call saying she's stopped fighting. I guess that's selfish of me though. To be honest I don't want her to die at all. I want a miracle. I want her to suddenly sit up, take away that horrid oxygen mask, to breath for herself, blink and wake up.
She looks so frail right now.. I wanted to run when I walked into her room, I wanted to deny this was -my- nana. Someone else's maybe, but not mine. Not my sweet, patient nana who used to knit me jumpers for Christmas when I was little. She had earrings in. They looked so out of place somehow.
I'm sorry.. This is becoming a very morbid post. I'll leave it now. I wish I'd seen her earlier. I wish she could get better somehow.