fucked up
staring out at a lawn that is 1 1/4 inch long and listening to frogs belch out their nightly mating calls...the rumbling of some sort of factory is WAY off in the distance. [i personally dont know where] cockroaches scurry across the 15 x 10 cemented slab that occupies my visual complex. the unused patio furniture awaits an emotional human to rest their weight while trying to contemplate their mediocre lives. i sit in an overly comfortable and overly rockable chair while listening to cats brawl in the distance. the sounds that filter through my brain are a mixture of civilization and wild as i replay events of the night through my unchronicale brain. ["fucked up" is the only consistant phrase that relays throughout my thoughts] i stare at such an uncivilized area and realize that it is the only place that i feel TRUE solace. solace that i only feel here and have felt for 4 1/2 years. my mouth exhales the black n mild and makes a murmer of a rebel sound on its way out. [and yes, i am white]. scenes scatter through my brain of the evenings undeserving conflict. i am in that stage of disbelief. the state where i wonder if what happened truly did. [only because it was fucked up to believe]. this place in which i sit is quite honestly the only place that i can sit completely alone. no music, no tv, no internet, no friends and i experience no yearning. it is probably the only place that i can ever feel that reward of peace at. those thoughts still run throuh my mind as i gaze at a tiny mountain range. [things escalated quickly tonight. things i did not want or hope for or was prepared for]. as i taste the left over taste in my mouth i remembered the harsh words that were said to me: "you in that short skirt trying to be all sexy" "you are a follower"] i know now where i stand with EVERYONE. i am not worthy of being stood up for by most, but overly deserving by ONE: ashley guest. it is a bittersweet feeling of having your best friend raise kain due to your demise while others you love and care for sit and watch your scrutinizing accusations made by others on your behalf.] peace seeps through my agony.............