Sigh
Tonight I went to go see the movie, Precious, with Keli. Unfortunately it was only playing at the Arclight Sherman Oaks, where Damian works. I decided to to buck up and go because I shouldn't be letting a guy hold me back from seeing a movie that's playing at the one theater!
Just in case I had a whole plan of what I'd do in case I ran into him. I wasn't sure I'd see him since he technically has class Tuesday and Wednesday nights, but I've had suspicions for a few weeks now that he's dropped out of grad school because I haven't seen him at all. My plan was to play it cool, act nonchalant, be happy while slightly aloof. Be cordial and show that you're now happy regardless of his presence as if he doesn't matter.
Keli and I were sitting on chairs looking with glee at a poster display of animated movies. We were hilariously recounting which movies we love, which we hate, and which we need to see. Well, more of what SHE needs to see. Then suddenly I feel a tap on my shoulder. I jump and boom! I look up and it's Damian. He's all smiles saying "hi" and I freeze up, my hands fly to my face, and I know I am expressing nothing but shock and sheer terror. This is the first time I've seen him since August. He looks the same. I tried to remember my "cool" act but it's flown out of my head and all I can do is a couple of attempted smiles that turn into grimaces. He just chuckles a little and tells me that "it's okay" or something like that, smiles again, and walks away. He doesn't look back and I can't stop watching. I sit there for a few moments and then run to the bathroom where I proceed to burst into tears.
I've been doing great. I've been happy, jovial, outgoing, and have barely spoken about him in months. Then tonight I am regressing and weeping in the bathroom. I did not go after him, I did not look for him, text him, etc. Overall, I think I have played the role of Dumped Girlfriend very well as I've completely avoided begging, pleading, cursing, bitchtastic emails/voicemails, and shit in the mail. But tonight I was crying in the bathroom like a teenager...even if it was just for a few minutes.
I don't understand why I still reacted this way and I don't understand why I still miss him. He's working at a damn movie theater, making barely more than minimum wage, and living with his mother in Sylmar at the age of 26. Since he's working tonight, it's clear that he dropped out of school like I thought. Not a catch, while I am awesome. Yet why do I miss him?!
I have not been on any dates since summer, I have not hooked up with anyone, and I have not rebounded at all. Now I am thinking that maybe it's the only way for me to move on. The problem is I just don't know how to do that. I don't have it in me. I have no game with guys and no one goes for anyways so part of me just doesn't see what the point is. I can't seem to get past the joking-slightly-flirty stage.
This is kind of awful because I have it in my head that he's dating up a storm or completely in love with a new girlfriend or sleeping with anyone and everything while I am here completely alone and shall remain so for the foreseeable future. Back in August he said he would keep in touch with me, check in, email, call, etc. However, he has done absolutely NONE of that (although neither have I) and yet he acts friendly when he sees me and then walks away without looking back. I don't know why this is so awful and conflicting for me, but it just is. We were together for just under five years and yet it seems like I was so ridiculously easy to completely throw away. I have been doing so much better these last couple of months but that 30-second moment has made a huge chunk of myself fall down. There's still this tiny part of me that hopes that we will get back together and that everything will change for the better. I wish that part of me would die so I could stop feeling this way.
I know everyone wants me to be happy and completely move on and I'm trying! I've been doing so well, but I feel like I just can't shut off this part of me no matter how hard I work at it. I want to be happy, I want to be completely moved on, but it's moments like these where I feel like none of it is happening and I just don't know what to do anymore. Sometimes I feel like this will never end.
It's just a setback.
Just in case I had a whole plan of what I'd do in case I ran into him. I wasn't sure I'd see him since he technically has class Tuesday and Wednesday nights, but I've had suspicions for a few weeks now that he's dropped out of grad school because I haven't seen him at all. My plan was to play it cool, act nonchalant, be happy while slightly aloof. Be cordial and show that you're now happy regardless of his presence as if he doesn't matter.
Keli and I were sitting on chairs looking with glee at a poster display of animated movies. We were hilariously recounting which movies we love, which we hate, and which we need to see. Well, more of what SHE needs to see. Then suddenly I feel a tap on my shoulder. I jump and boom! I look up and it's Damian. He's all smiles saying "hi" and I freeze up, my hands fly to my face, and I know I am expressing nothing but shock and sheer terror. This is the first time I've seen him since August. He looks the same. I tried to remember my "cool" act but it's flown out of my head and all I can do is a couple of attempted smiles that turn into grimaces. He just chuckles a little and tells me that "it's okay" or something like that, smiles again, and walks away. He doesn't look back and I can't stop watching. I sit there for a few moments and then run to the bathroom where I proceed to burst into tears.
I've been doing great. I've been happy, jovial, outgoing, and have barely spoken about him in months. Then tonight I am regressing and weeping in the bathroom. I did not go after him, I did not look for him, text him, etc. Overall, I think I have played the role of Dumped Girlfriend very well as I've completely avoided begging, pleading, cursing, bitchtastic emails/voicemails, and shit in the mail. But tonight I was crying in the bathroom like a teenager...even if it was just for a few minutes.
I don't understand why I still reacted this way and I don't understand why I still miss him. He's working at a damn movie theater, making barely more than minimum wage, and living with his mother in Sylmar at the age of 26. Since he's working tonight, it's clear that he dropped out of school like I thought. Not a catch, while I am awesome. Yet why do I miss him?!
I have not been on any dates since summer, I have not hooked up with anyone, and I have not rebounded at all. Now I am thinking that maybe it's the only way for me to move on. The problem is I just don't know how to do that. I don't have it in me. I have no game with guys and no one goes for anyways so part of me just doesn't see what the point is. I can't seem to get past the joking-slightly-flirty stage.
This is kind of awful because I have it in my head that he's dating up a storm or completely in love with a new girlfriend or sleeping with anyone and everything while I am here completely alone and shall remain so for the foreseeable future. Back in August he said he would keep in touch with me, check in, email, call, etc. However, he has done absolutely NONE of that (although neither have I) and yet he acts friendly when he sees me and then walks away without looking back. I don't know why this is so awful and conflicting for me, but it just is. We were together for just under five years and yet it seems like I was so ridiculously easy to completely throw away. I have been doing so much better these last couple of months but that 30-second moment has made a huge chunk of myself fall down. There's still this tiny part of me that hopes that we will get back together and that everything will change for the better. I wish that part of me would die so I could stop feeling this way.
I know everyone wants me to be happy and completely move on and I'm trying! I've been doing so well, but I feel like I just can't shut off this part of me no matter how hard I work at it. I want to be happy, I want to be completely moved on, but it's moments like these where I feel like none of it is happening and I just don't know what to do anymore. Sometimes I feel like this will never end.
It's just a setback.