Emotion
ok first i would just like to say that some people can be so shady and be such dushbaggons... lol but yeah ok. So to recap the weekend i had a lot of fun well until today and well no i had a lot of fun but some parts sucked and were terrible.
Friday i went to the strawberry fez and it was so much fun so many people were there and we all just played around. The little girls attacked zac in line, boys raced the girls in the moon bounce obstacle course, we played Frisbee and then i went and saw Harry Potter. The movie was pretty good but sorta long, then i went back to olivers and just chilled for a little.
Sat really opened my eyes and made me feel terrible for who i am. I went with my father to the hospital. His best friend (he has been friends with him since they were like 6 ish) well his best friends son was diagnosed with leukemia last week and started treatment and found out earlier on sat that he was not responding to the chemo. 85% of people with his case are called fast responders and it only has a 30% mortality rate which is good for cancer. But he is one of the 15% that did not respond to the chemo so he has to get higher doses of chemo and also now he must get radiation and more meds to try to get rid of it. This boy is my age. He is a junior in high school he plays football and basketball and was going to get a scholarship for college football or basketball (i dont remember which) yeah so being there made me feel terrible. I was walking through the halls, there were lots of kids, my age, younger, babies, all ages. They had cancer, they were fighting for their lives while i am sitting here trying to take mine away. Why the hell am i doing this?! there are people that are dieing everyday who love their life and are trying to fight for it and i am just taking my health for granted and trying to toss it out the widow. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!? i feel like such an ass hole which makes me hate myself even more!! its just a vicious cycle!
so yeah then i came home and i went out with allison for japanese. I learned how to use chopsticks and am quite good at it, and had sushi and it was pretty good. Then i drove up with andy to soffers and it was such a fun ride! that kid is so funny!! well we got up there and andy and i got completely trashed. I was so fucked up. In being so, all my feelings started coming out and i broke down. I ended up going into the bathroom and crying for like 15 min and then someone came in with me and i still dont understand why. why would you want to help me?! why does anyone!! everyone else has all their own shit to deal with why the hell do they want to help me!! so yeah after about a half hour or so of that, i went back out and then me and andy were screaming about sex and saying about how we wanted to have sex with people and i continued to call people and tell them that i wanted to have sex with them. so yeah andy and oliver went out for a walk and called random people lol like jesus HAHA yeah then i fell asleep and woke up to andy puking all over, by this point i was sober so it was funny and supposedly jon was pushing me all over the bed lol and i didnt wake up and then they got worried and took my pulse HAHA (i was sorta awake for that part lol) but yeah so w/e then we all went to sleep and yeah this morning was fun cause we all found out everything that we all did haha.
today has basically sucked i drove home with oliver and andy and then went out with allison but yeah other than that ive sat in my room and cried. I dont know what im suppose to do! i dont want to be like this people shouldnt have to deal with me like this! well its no wonder i cant keep anyone close. i dont want them to worry i dont want them to care, they shouldnt have to, no one else does.
Fuck it screw it all!! i give up school is over in like a week, we have finals and i dont have to see you anymore school will be over and then i will (hopefully) start work, new people, new faces, then college a new and fresh start; i can be anyone that i want to be and no one will be able to stop me or remember the old me. so screw it, im not gunna try for it anymore its all just too confusing so yeah have fun and have a nice life.
~~~
Friday i went to the strawberry fez and it was so much fun so many people were there and we all just played around. The little girls attacked zac in line, boys raced the girls in the moon bounce obstacle course, we played Frisbee and then i went and saw Harry Potter. The movie was pretty good but sorta long, then i went back to olivers and just chilled for a little.
Sat really opened my eyes and made me feel terrible for who i am. I went with my father to the hospital. His best friend (he has been friends with him since they were like 6 ish) well his best friends son was diagnosed with leukemia last week and started treatment and found out earlier on sat that he was not responding to the chemo. 85% of people with his case are called fast responders and it only has a 30% mortality rate which is good for cancer. But he is one of the 15% that did not respond to the chemo so he has to get higher doses of chemo and also now he must get radiation and more meds to try to get rid of it. This boy is my age. He is a junior in high school he plays football and basketball and was going to get a scholarship for college football or basketball (i dont remember which) yeah so being there made me feel terrible. I was walking through the halls, there were lots of kids, my age, younger, babies, all ages. They had cancer, they were fighting for their lives while i am sitting here trying to take mine away. Why the hell am i doing this?! there are people that are dieing everyday who love their life and are trying to fight for it and i am just taking my health for granted and trying to toss it out the widow. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!? i feel like such an ass hole which makes me hate myself even more!! its just a vicious cycle!
so yeah then i came home and i went out with allison for japanese. I learned how to use chopsticks and am quite good at it, and had sushi and it was pretty good. Then i drove up with andy to soffers and it was such a fun ride! that kid is so funny!! well we got up there and andy and i got completely trashed. I was so fucked up. In being so, all my feelings started coming out and i broke down. I ended up going into the bathroom and crying for like 15 min and then someone came in with me and i still dont understand why. why would you want to help me?! why does anyone!! everyone else has all their own shit to deal with why the hell do they want to help me!! so yeah after about a half hour or so of that, i went back out and then me and andy were screaming about sex and saying about how we wanted to have sex with people and i continued to call people and tell them that i wanted to have sex with them. so yeah andy and oliver went out for a walk and called random people lol like jesus HAHA yeah then i fell asleep and woke up to andy puking all over, by this point i was sober so it was funny and supposedly jon was pushing me all over the bed lol and i didnt wake up and then they got worried and took my pulse HAHA (i was sorta awake for that part lol) but yeah so w/e then we all went to sleep and yeah this morning was fun cause we all found out everything that we all did haha.
today has basically sucked i drove home with oliver and andy and then went out with allison but yeah other than that ive sat in my room and cried. I dont know what im suppose to do! i dont want to be like this people shouldnt have to deal with me like this! well its no wonder i cant keep anyone close. i dont want them to worry i dont want them to care, they shouldnt have to, no one else does.
Fuck it screw it all!! i give up school is over in like a week, we have finals and i dont have to see you anymore school will be over and then i will (hopefully) start work, new people, new faces, then college a new and fresh start; i can be anyone that i want to be and no one will be able to stop me or remember the old me. so screw it, im not gunna try for it anymore its all just too confusing so yeah have fun and have a nice life.
~~~