(no subject)
Sometimes I wonder if I am putting myself on a fast road to a lonely rest of my life. I used to like people, a lot. I used to be pretty damn social. I used to get crushes on people all the time. I used to make friends easily, and keep them around for a good while. But lately, I have the hardest time doing any of that. I rarely meet new people that I like enough to hang out with.
I have been on a few dates in the past couple of years, and have usually left with an intense feeling of relief to be out of the situation, and made sure to never see the person again. Yes, I fell in love with someone and he is still in my life and I suppose that possibility isn't dead. But it also isn't looking very promising, and I know that I need to be able to let other people in. But I just refuse to go against my gut. When my gut tells me that I want to never see a person again, I think I should listen to it. But I also know that I am irrationally picky.
I am irrationally picky even with friends. I keep most everyone at arms length. I'm still close to some people I got close to before I was like this. And I have made a few new friends in recent years. But I always find these fundamental things on which I disagree with people, and more and more I can't bring myself to overlook them.
In some ways, this is good. I truly enjoy most of the time I spend with people, because I only spend it with people I like, and I know my tolerance for people, I know when I need to be alone, etc.
But still, I wonder. I wonder if I am progressing along a road that is pathological, or if I am just doing what is right for me. I just don't want to end up one of those weird old lonely women who doesn't know how to relate to anybody.
All of this makes me wonder how much longer I should stay in New York, because I don't generally feel like this elsewhere. Hm.
I have been on a few dates in the past couple of years, and have usually left with an intense feeling of relief to be out of the situation, and made sure to never see the person again. Yes, I fell in love with someone and he is still in my life and I suppose that possibility isn't dead. But it also isn't looking very promising, and I know that I need to be able to let other people in. But I just refuse to go against my gut. When my gut tells me that I want to never see a person again, I think I should listen to it. But I also know that I am irrationally picky.
I am irrationally picky even with friends. I keep most everyone at arms length. I'm still close to some people I got close to before I was like this. And I have made a few new friends in recent years. But I always find these fundamental things on which I disagree with people, and more and more I can't bring myself to overlook them.
In some ways, this is good. I truly enjoy most of the time I spend with people, because I only spend it with people I like, and I know my tolerance for people, I know when I need to be alone, etc.
But still, I wonder. I wonder if I am progressing along a road that is pathological, or if I am just doing what is right for me. I just don't want to end up one of those weird old lonely women who doesn't know how to relate to anybody.
All of this makes me wonder how much longer I should stay in New York, because I don't generally feel like this elsewhere. Hm.