I'm not lost, I'm just wandering...
I was so angry today. I don't like these days very much, the ones where every other thought in my head is a bitter one. I was just watching 30 rock on hulu, and there were these ads for the university of phoenix, which I gather is an online university; or, if it is a physical school too, then it has a huge distance learning thing going on. anyway, the ads were so...optimistic. they feature "mature" students...single moms in their late twenties/early thirties, grandmothers, men who are the first in their family to graduate college- people for whom the degree is as symbolic as it is functional. they're all talking about their kids encouraging them, and their families being so proud of them...how the degree is going to open up so many doors for them.
and all I can think is that it's a crap shoot. if you're poor, at least, it's nothing but a crap shoot. you get yourself into crippling debt that will be with you possibly for the rest of your life, and there is no guarantee that your bachelor's degree will do you any good in the workforce. especially if you don't have family money that affords you the freedom to do unpaid internships, and you can't afford to go to grad school, and you have to take whatever job you can get in order to pay your rent and feed yourself. when I look at my life right now, I can honestly say that financially, I would almost certainly be better off if I had not gone to college. I could be doing the same job I'm doing now, would probably be making more money because I would have been working longer, and I would not be paying off student loans.
and sure, some of it is my fault. I don't manage my money well. I have hard time sticking with things. I lack confidence in my own abilities, which makes me scared and hesitant about applying for jobs. but nobody can say I haven't made a valid effort. I applied to grad school in 2004 and didn't get in. I have applied for several jobs that would be more prestigious or lucrative than my current one. I went to korea, thinking that it might lead to other things...and yet here I am, once again, less than two years away from thirty and eating mostly rice and beans, hoping that I can shuffle shit around in such a way that my rent check won't bounce.
I guess living in new york makes it worse, too. not only is the cost of living higher, but you are contantly surrounded by people who have more, so much more than you do. and it's not that I want a lot of material things. my desires are pretty modest, at least by american standards. I want more than a room to live in. I want to not live in a 3 bedroom apartment that houses five people and two cats (as much as I do love my roommates). I want to be able to afford to take a trip once in awhile, and to buy clothes and toiletries when I need them, and to cover the whole bill sometimes when I go out with people. and that stuff was possible this autumn, when I was working eight or ten hours of overtime a week. but a) we're not allowed to do that anymore, and b) I would like to be able to do those things without having to work fifty hours a week.
I am trying to buckle down and figure out a way out of this situation. and as fun as it is to think about, I don't think moving to mexico with sophia is the answer. I don't know what is. the best I've got right now is to keep paying on these student loans until they're out of default, and then try for grad school again. maybe, by the time I am thirty-five, I can be working as a teacher and have some semblance of an adult life.
I do not think that I am a stupid person. in fact, I know that I am a very intelligent person. but somehow, I have ended up SEVERELY lacking in the skills one needs to manage a life. and I have not been lucky enough to find a partner to help me. so I am pretty much always just taking stabs in the dark.
also, today I went for a long walk in prospect park, for the first time in a few months. it was wonderful. everything is barren and dead, but there were a few little spots of green grass poking their way through. I felt much better on my walk. less angry. I can feel stirrings of spring. I know it's going to get cold and snowy again before it gets here, but it will get here. for the past few years, the thought of new seasons keeps me going. I always think that they will bring about real, lasting change. so far, they haven't. things get better sometimes, but they don't get truly truly good. still, each time the wind changes and the seasons shift, I can feel the possibility, and, despite the negative shit that comes out my mouth lately, I have not yet lost all of my hope.
and all I can think is that it's a crap shoot. if you're poor, at least, it's nothing but a crap shoot. you get yourself into crippling debt that will be with you possibly for the rest of your life, and there is no guarantee that your bachelor's degree will do you any good in the workforce. especially if you don't have family money that affords you the freedom to do unpaid internships, and you can't afford to go to grad school, and you have to take whatever job you can get in order to pay your rent and feed yourself. when I look at my life right now, I can honestly say that financially, I would almost certainly be better off if I had not gone to college. I could be doing the same job I'm doing now, would probably be making more money because I would have been working longer, and I would not be paying off student loans.
and sure, some of it is my fault. I don't manage my money well. I have hard time sticking with things. I lack confidence in my own abilities, which makes me scared and hesitant about applying for jobs. but nobody can say I haven't made a valid effort. I applied to grad school in 2004 and didn't get in. I have applied for several jobs that would be more prestigious or lucrative than my current one. I went to korea, thinking that it might lead to other things...and yet here I am, once again, less than two years away from thirty and eating mostly rice and beans, hoping that I can shuffle shit around in such a way that my rent check won't bounce.
I guess living in new york makes it worse, too. not only is the cost of living higher, but you are contantly surrounded by people who have more, so much more than you do. and it's not that I want a lot of material things. my desires are pretty modest, at least by american standards. I want more than a room to live in. I want to not live in a 3 bedroom apartment that houses five people and two cats (as much as I do love my roommates). I want to be able to afford to take a trip once in awhile, and to buy clothes and toiletries when I need them, and to cover the whole bill sometimes when I go out with people. and that stuff was possible this autumn, when I was working eight or ten hours of overtime a week. but a) we're not allowed to do that anymore, and b) I would like to be able to do those things without having to work fifty hours a week.
I am trying to buckle down and figure out a way out of this situation. and as fun as it is to think about, I don't think moving to mexico with sophia is the answer. I don't know what is. the best I've got right now is to keep paying on these student loans until they're out of default, and then try for grad school again. maybe, by the time I am thirty-five, I can be working as a teacher and have some semblance of an adult life.
I do not think that I am a stupid person. in fact, I know that I am a very intelligent person. but somehow, I have ended up SEVERELY lacking in the skills one needs to manage a life. and I have not been lucky enough to find a partner to help me. so I am pretty much always just taking stabs in the dark.
also, today I went for a long walk in prospect park, for the first time in a few months. it was wonderful. everything is barren and dead, but there were a few little spots of green grass poking their way through. I felt much better on my walk. less angry. I can feel stirrings of spring. I know it's going to get cold and snowy again before it gets here, but it will get here. for the past few years, the thought of new seasons keeps me going. I always think that they will bring about real, lasting change. so far, they haven't. things get better sometimes, but they don't get truly truly good. still, each time the wind changes and the seasons shift, I can feel the possibility, and, despite the negative shit that comes out my mouth lately, I have not yet lost all of my hope.