i love rodeo
I went to my 1st rodeo last night, It was great..I had a lot of fun..I'm glad Josh introduced me into the rodeo world..I met some bullriders, we got to go behind where we really werent allowed..but since Josh knew everyone there we got away with a lot..I learned a lot..I wanted to wear a cowboy hat but I didnt have one..the bull's were mean..I was so close to them..and they were making mean noises..the rodeo was in Alpharetta at will's park. There is a rodeo in Douglasville tonight but i'm not going. Josh is going to ride there tonight. I really wanted to go and see him ride. But he said that it would mess him up if he knew I was there because he would try to hard and probably mess up...or if we got in a fight before it he would have his mind on what we fought about and mess upp..so i dont wanna take any chances and mess up his chance to win the competition..I am very depressed now for some reason..I just want to cry. Not just because of him..I'm so confused on what I need to do now..I dont know where I need to be. I feel like i'm all alone sometimes..sometimes i wish i could just move where no one knew where i was,throw my cell phone away and live all alone. But then other times i want to be in the spotlight and tAlk to everyone..but I dont know anymore..all I know is right now I feel so lonely. I'm really scared..I have a lot of problems that I need to work out with myself. I made an appointment to see a therapist. I promised Josh I would because he found out..Maybe i'm just messed up in my head. I dont understand why I do some of the things I do..maybe i'm just clynically depressed. I dont know anymore. I know this shit is sappy..and I dont want attention for this. I just need to write my feelings down before I do something stupid. This is how I should take out my depression, I should just write. I've hurt a lot of people in my life. I'm deep down really sorry for everything I've put these people through. They shouldnt have gone through it. My dad shouldnt of had to bail me out of jail. I remember it like it was yesterday, it's been almost a year...and I still feel bad..I really hurt my dad. But he's put it behind him, the only person who hasnt forgave me is my mother. I doubt she ever will get over it. One daY i'll make it up to them though. I cried on graduation because I knew how proud of me they were. And then when I got my report card my dad was dissapointed in me because I had a 79.1 GPA and i was .9 away from the Hope Scholarship. I'm dissapointed in myself actually..I should have busted my ass some more. But there's nothing I can do about it anymore..thats why i'm saving money now..I just feel sometimes like all the shit I do never adds up to anything..because there's always one person in my life who is dissapointed..I meAN i'm not perfect..i'm far from it.. I'm sorry if any of you read this..love u all