It gets harder and harder every day
I know I made this decision. I know I chose to be in this situation. But for the first time in my relationship... I don't feel even remotely important. I'm sitting here ... crying ... again... because there's a wedding next Friday. That I'm being excluded from. Not the wedding of course, but the overnight stay in the hotel with the rest of the wedding party. Why? Its their anniversary. Maybe I should be more understanding. Its possible. And maybe I shouldn't compare things. Again, possible. But where was he the night of our anniversary? Not my apartment, his house. Why? We celebrated early, Saturday night. Where was he last night? Celebrating his anniversary with her. Where is he tonight? Celebrating his anniversary. I don't begrudge either of them either of these things but for months upon months I've felt alienated, excluded from being part of the family. I've feel left out of things. I never get invited to come over to the house anymore and when I do, I don't get to spend the night. All I can think right now is how absolutely horrible I feel because of all of the weddings, the babies that are coming and all I want to do is curl up in a ball in my house and not leave. I don't want to come visit your new baby and tell you congratulations when I have this deep unseething resentment for your perfect little family. I don't want to go to your wedding to see what I'm never going to have. I don't want to go St. Patty's day to once again know that I'm going to have to go home alone. All of these things are building and building on my already low self esteem that just been plummeting since the wreck. I shouldn't let it, but it does.
When I want to go to a movie, I go alone. When I go shopping ... for anything ... I go alone. Tomorrow I'm going to the farmers market ... not alone, with my parents, but if I hadn't called them, I would be. Anywhere I go and anything I do I have to do on my own. I've lost him. Not to his wife, but to his work. How do you push someone who won't accept help and doesn't have time for you anymore without making them feel worse than they already do? This isn't about guilt, but I'm allowed to be sad about the way things aren't. I'm allowed to vent my feelings and frustrations without someone immediately going "okay, then should we break up? Are you breaking up with me?" WHY THE HELL do men ALWAYS do that?
I'll be honest - I'm miserable. Absolutely miserable. I say these things to him and he gets angry. "I'm doing everything I can, I'm being pulled from both ends and I can't change anything". So am I really going to just give up? Again? I can't. I love him too much. I know, that's what women being abused say. I don't know what to do anymore. Before the accident, things were fine. I was fine. We were fine. We were happy. Since then its been one disappointment after another. I never see him, I can't remember the last time we actually played, though at this point I'd genuinely settle for just time with him. We don't even have a date night, we're supposed to be scheduling one ... but *shrugs* ... it hasn't happened. Nothing feels worse than being with someone who says they love you but at the end of the day ... they just don't have time for you anymore. I will however be strong enough to get through this. I will wade through the tide of discontent until at least she's back at work. If it doesn't get better by then, then we'll revisit this. However, until then .... its hard ... very hard.
The worst part is, I'm pretty sure she's having a lot of these same issues ... she can't leave the house (at least I have school), her legs are torn to hell up and back because of our lawyer's negligence (our old lawyer said she needed one 2 months ago and never approved it), she's gained weight(lack of leg use = no movement = metabolism goes to hell), she's feeling useless because she can't work, she can't work out ... Its really rough for all 3 of us, not just me ... I know that. I just don't know how to make it better while we heal ... for all of us. And for will, he can't make either of us happy, there isn't enough time in the day, he feels like there's nobody he can really rely on at work and he has to do EVERYTHING for himself. He's trying to lose 50 lbs for st. paddy's day and even though I only live 5 mins from him, all he wants to do when he goes home is workout ... maybe, eat, watch mindless tv, go to bed, and wakeup at 6 am and do it all over again. I just hate putting him through this and making his life worse.
For any poly folks that might be reading this, I'm not poly I'm monogamous I just happened to fall in love with a married man who happened to have an open relationship and went after me for 5 years. I'm not going to start seeing other people simply because my relationship with Will is falling apart. That's not something you do when shit goes wrong, that's something you do because your relationship is stable enough / strong enough to handle it. I will make it through this and I will fix it but in the meantime ... I wish I had a quick fix to make things easier.
Maybe I shouldn't write about this publicly but ... I don't have anyone to talk to about it. I had 2 friends I could rely/count on whenever things went really wrong with my ex. They both moved away ... in the past 2 years, I haven't had anything to vent about ... now I do ... and nobody is there to listen.
On the bright side, so far I've got at least a B in all of my classes, and I've lost 10 lbs .... so there's that. And I have an MRI scheduled for this afternoon (Yay, progress on medical ailments!)
Oh, right. Writing = feeling better. I totally forgot about that part. Holy crap. Hi, LJ ... nice to meet you ... remember me? I'll be here to stay for a little while this time.
When I want to go to a movie, I go alone. When I go shopping ... for anything ... I go alone. Tomorrow I'm going to the farmers market ... not alone, with my parents, but if I hadn't called them, I would be. Anywhere I go and anything I do I have to do on my own. I've lost him. Not to his wife, but to his work. How do you push someone who won't accept help and doesn't have time for you anymore without making them feel worse than they already do? This isn't about guilt, but I'm allowed to be sad about the way things aren't. I'm allowed to vent my feelings and frustrations without someone immediately going "okay, then should we break up? Are you breaking up with me?" WHY THE HELL do men ALWAYS do that?
I'll be honest - I'm miserable. Absolutely miserable. I say these things to him and he gets angry. "I'm doing everything I can, I'm being pulled from both ends and I can't change anything". So am I really going to just give up? Again? I can't. I love him too much. I know, that's what women being abused say. I don't know what to do anymore. Before the accident, things were fine. I was fine. We were fine. We were happy. Since then its been one disappointment after another. I never see him, I can't remember the last time we actually played, though at this point I'd genuinely settle for just time with him. We don't even have a date night, we're supposed to be scheduling one ... but *shrugs* ... it hasn't happened. Nothing feels worse than being with someone who says they love you but at the end of the day ... they just don't have time for you anymore. I will however be strong enough to get through this. I will wade through the tide of discontent until at least she's back at work. If it doesn't get better by then, then we'll revisit this. However, until then .... its hard ... very hard.
The worst part is, I'm pretty sure she's having a lot of these same issues ... she can't leave the house (at least I have school), her legs are torn to hell up and back because of our lawyer's negligence (our old lawyer said she needed one 2 months ago and never approved it), she's gained weight(lack of leg use = no movement = metabolism goes to hell), she's feeling useless because she can't work, she can't work out ... Its really rough for all 3 of us, not just me ... I know that. I just don't know how to make it better while we heal ... for all of us. And for will, he can't make either of us happy, there isn't enough time in the day, he feels like there's nobody he can really rely on at work and he has to do EVERYTHING for himself. He's trying to lose 50 lbs for st. paddy's day and even though I only live 5 mins from him, all he wants to do when he goes home is workout ... maybe, eat, watch mindless tv, go to bed, and wakeup at 6 am and do it all over again. I just hate putting him through this and making his life worse.
For any poly folks that might be reading this, I'm not poly I'm monogamous I just happened to fall in love with a married man who happened to have an open relationship and went after me for 5 years. I'm not going to start seeing other people simply because my relationship with Will is falling apart. That's not something you do when shit goes wrong, that's something you do because your relationship is stable enough / strong enough to handle it. I will make it through this and I will fix it but in the meantime ... I wish I had a quick fix to make things easier.
Maybe I shouldn't write about this publicly but ... I don't have anyone to talk to about it. I had 2 friends I could rely/count on whenever things went really wrong with my ex. They both moved away ... in the past 2 years, I haven't had anything to vent about ... now I do ... and nobody is there to listen.
On the bright side, so far I've got at least a B in all of my classes, and I've lost 10 lbs .... so there's that. And I have an MRI scheduled for this afternoon (Yay, progress on medical ailments!)
Oh, right. Writing = feeling better. I totally forgot about that part. Holy crap. Hi, LJ ... nice to meet you ... remember me? I'll be here to stay for a little while this time.