tales from the lumpy mattress
so, here i am, uncomfortably ensconced in the twin bed from my childhood upon which i jumped so many times that i broke all the springs. it's now like sleeping on a bag of twisted. mangled rebar with sheets stretched over it. i have begged and begged and pleaded and cajoled and whined and passive-aggressived for YEARS about how horrible it is to sleep on this damn thing and how i don't get rest, how i have to toss & turn, how much my neck, back & shoulders hurt after just 2 nights, all to no avail. each of my family members will try it out for 25 seconds at a time & go, i don't know what you mean, it's perfectly comfortable. and i'm like, yeah, try sleeping on it. i meant to buy a new mattress in advance & have it delivered here myself this time, but with all the party-prep-hoopla, i plum forgot. and so now i sit here, paying for it with my achy ribs & shoulders once again. *sigh* my sister calls me the princess and the pea, but *she* doesn't have to try to sleep in this damn thing... anyway...
speaking of sisters, i have been in town, oh, 7 hours now, and we have already had 2 fights. one was a stupid tiff upon leaving the airport. the other must have been my sister's personal celebration of festivus. for she outlined to me in great detail the things i have been doing over the past 6-8 months that make her think i am now a totally different person & that she consequently doesn't know me anymore. stupid, insensitive comments i have made about two particular topics, basically, and the fact that some of my personal problems are lingering much longer than she has the patience for. this of course did not make me feel very welcomed upon my arrival. i know we will work it out & come to an understanding, as we always do, as we are extremely close (the 6 months i have been in boise is the longest we have ever gone without seeing each other), but it really makes me sad. i have sensed a gulf between us & i've been trying to bridge it, or so i thought, but apparently i have become more self-absorbed, vain, inconsiderate & insensitive than i have ever before been in my entire life (yes, all of these exact words & this exact charge were levelled against me this evening). i don't know if i want to lay down & have a big long cry or tell her to go to hell with her judgmental crap. but then i think, maybe i don't have enough perspective on my own situation. have i become more self-absorbed and inconsiderate in the recent past? am i alienating other people, besides her, who just don't feel comfortable saying so? am i really just a big selfish jerk who can't put aside her own problems to deal with other people's issues? though i have the tiniest inkling that for someone like me with enough self-doubt going on on a regular basis, i just don't need the aggravation of this piled on top of me, making me feel bad b/c i'm going through a tough time of late. i apologized profusely for the (unintentionally-but-that's-beside-the-point) hurtful comments i made in april, but that was 8 months ago & that's pretty well all i can do about it now, save trying not to make the same mistake again from now on. ditto the 'self-absorbed' stuff i was saying 2 weeks ago about my personal life. even though every time i ask her about what's going on w/her, she doesn't want to talk about it. so if she stonewalls me about her stuff, am i s'posed to just not say anything about me either until she is ready to talk? it's very upsetting & perplexing & i just can't think straight about it this evening, as i've been up since ~5:15 in order to get to the airport in time to make my flight this morning. maybe things will look better in the morning.
speaking of sisters, i have been in town, oh, 7 hours now, and we have already had 2 fights. one was a stupid tiff upon leaving the airport. the other must have been my sister's personal celebration of festivus. for she outlined to me in great detail the things i have been doing over the past 6-8 months that make her think i am now a totally different person & that she consequently doesn't know me anymore. stupid, insensitive comments i have made about two particular topics, basically, and the fact that some of my personal problems are lingering much longer than she has the patience for. this of course did not make me feel very welcomed upon my arrival. i know we will work it out & come to an understanding, as we always do, as we are extremely close (the 6 months i have been in boise is the longest we have ever gone without seeing each other), but it really makes me sad. i have sensed a gulf between us & i've been trying to bridge it, or so i thought, but apparently i have become more self-absorbed, vain, inconsiderate & insensitive than i have ever before been in my entire life (yes, all of these exact words & this exact charge were levelled against me this evening). i don't know if i want to lay down & have a big long cry or tell her to go to hell with her judgmental crap. but then i think, maybe i don't have enough perspective on my own situation. have i become more self-absorbed and inconsiderate in the recent past? am i alienating other people, besides her, who just don't feel comfortable saying so? am i really just a big selfish jerk who can't put aside her own problems to deal with other people's issues? though i have the tiniest inkling that for someone like me with enough self-doubt going on on a regular basis, i just don't need the aggravation of this piled on top of me, making me feel bad b/c i'm going through a tough time of late. i apologized profusely for the (unintentionally-but-that's-beside-the-point) hurtful comments i made in april, but that was 8 months ago & that's pretty well all i can do about it now, save trying not to make the same mistake again from now on. ditto the 'self-absorbed' stuff i was saying 2 weeks ago about my personal life. even though every time i ask her about what's going on w/her, she doesn't want to talk about it. so if she stonewalls me about her stuff, am i s'posed to just not say anything about me either until she is ready to talk? it's very upsetting & perplexing & i just can't think straight about it this evening, as i've been up since ~5:15 in order to get to the airport in time to make my flight this morning. maybe things will look better in the morning.