back to life - back to reality
Ok, can I dwell on something for a minute? I know I do this way too often, and repeatedly playing bad memories over and over in your head can't be healthy... but I've been trying to ignore this feeling for about 6 months now and bottling it up can't be healthy either.
I miss Amanda
There, I said it.
A girlfriend and I were talking about engagement rings and weather it was a faux pas to pick out your own or help your soon-to-be-fiance pick one out. She then said that the best way to get a ring you actually like is to have him go out with your best friend to look because they would know your style. That got me thinking, who would I have go with him? Not my sister, although she does have classy taste, we sometimes differ when it comes to fashion - I'm more unique and traditional, she's more mainstream and modern. It then occurred to me that the person who probably knows me and my taste best is Amanda; the girl I haven't spoken to since graduation.
[just in case you got scared, I'm not actually thinking i'd like to be proposed to and i'm not envisioning my wedding day - just typical hypothetical girl talk!]
I've gone through the classic 5 stages or whatever - denial, anger, depression, etc. It really just hurts to lose a friend that was sooo close to you. And the way we never talked about it or even had a big fight makes it feel like she just up and died or something. But more like she committed suicide and left a note saying it was all my fault.
This is probably the closest thing I've felt to a broken heart. Friends are more important to me than anything in the world - always have and always will. Guys are just there, you need them for certain things, but no one knows you better than your closest friends. I miss our friendship terribly but at the same time it pisses me off so much.
Am I really that expendable? It just irks me to think that she's just carrying on w/out me and probably hasn't given us a second thought, except to probably say 'to hell with her!' I knew it would be different after college when we were no longer living together, but distance isn't a good enough excuse for me. I have friends from summer camp that I still keep in touch with. A have friends that I made from a summer job 3 summers ago that I still see every once in a while and make plans with. And my best friend from high school and I only got closer after graduation even though we went to colleges 400 miles apart.
There's no physical barrier keeping us from being friends. Not distance, not boyfriends, no real indiscretions... it's just foolish pride and lack of effort. Shear apathy. And if I were truly a bigger person I'd just throw in the towel already and call her and say fuck this, let's get over it already. But the truth is, I'm not as big a person as I used to be - I'm bitter and tired and sick of always getting shit on.
I left her with the ultimatum - if she wants to work it out, call. She never called. Bottom line is, if it's not valuable enough to her, why should I even care at all, right?
so how come it's all I can think about?
I miss Amanda
There, I said it.
A girlfriend and I were talking about engagement rings and weather it was a faux pas to pick out your own or help your soon-to-be-fiance pick one out. She then said that the best way to get a ring you actually like is to have him go out with your best friend to look because they would know your style. That got me thinking, who would I have go with him? Not my sister, although she does have classy taste, we sometimes differ when it comes to fashion - I'm more unique and traditional, she's more mainstream and modern. It then occurred to me that the person who probably knows me and my taste best is Amanda; the girl I haven't spoken to since graduation.
[just in case you got scared, I'm not actually thinking i'd like to be proposed to and i'm not envisioning my wedding day - just typical hypothetical girl talk!]
I've gone through the classic 5 stages or whatever - denial, anger, depression, etc. It really just hurts to lose a friend that was sooo close to you. And the way we never talked about it or even had a big fight makes it feel like she just up and died or something. But more like she committed suicide and left a note saying it was all my fault.
This is probably the closest thing I've felt to a broken heart. Friends are more important to me than anything in the world - always have and always will. Guys are just there, you need them for certain things, but no one knows you better than your closest friends. I miss our friendship terribly but at the same time it pisses me off so much.
Am I really that expendable? It just irks me to think that she's just carrying on w/out me and probably hasn't given us a second thought, except to probably say 'to hell with her!' I knew it would be different after college when we were no longer living together, but distance isn't a good enough excuse for me. I have friends from summer camp that I still keep in touch with. A have friends that I made from a summer job 3 summers ago that I still see every once in a while and make plans with. And my best friend from high school and I only got closer after graduation even though we went to colleges 400 miles apart.
There's no physical barrier keeping us from being friends. Not distance, not boyfriends, no real indiscretions... it's just foolish pride and lack of effort. Shear apathy. And if I were truly a bigger person I'd just throw in the towel already and call her and say fuck this, let's get over it already. But the truth is, I'm not as big a person as I used to be - I'm bitter and tired and sick of always getting shit on.
I left her with the ultimatum - if she wants to work it out, call. She never called. Bottom line is, if it's not valuable enough to her, why should I even care at all, right?
so how come it's all I can think about?