Fic: Adjustment Period Chapter 3/4, Rating: Pg-13
Author's Notes: Sorry this took so long to post here. I had crazy real life stuff (new job, a move halfway across the country, etc.), and LJ seemed to like to extract my spaces between paragraphs, which pretty much broke my spirit. This has been up elsewhere for awhile, but I know some people only read here so I thought I'd make my LJ page more complete. I hope you enjoy it, even MONTHS late.
"B, I'm glad we were finally able to hang out!" Serena said, giving Blair a hug before plopping down into the chair across from her. Serena saw Blair give her a pensive smile in return.
"I've missed you," Blair said, a tinge of sadness in her voice.
It had been two weeks since Serena had moved out of the Waldorf penthouse, and Serena had barely seen Blair. She wasn't sure if it was because things were awkward as they readjusted to a routine where they didn't see each other every day, or if Blair was simply tied up with Dan all the time now that she didn't have to worry about Serena. Serena passed the days by spending time with Charlie, who was proving to be a fun companion. Serena couldn't remember the last time she had been able to just enjoy hanging out with a friend without all the complications of past history getting in the way. It almost reminded Serena of when she and Blair would hang out in middle school.
Even though Serena was enjoying her time with Charlie, she missed her best friend. She was happy that she and Blair were finally able to get together, as they'd been about as distant the past couple of weeks as Serena could remember, especially considering they weren't fighting.
"So, how are things going for you?" Serena asked, intentionally keeping the question vague. She didn't want to put talk of Dan off limits, but she wasn't going to bring up the subject either.
"Good," Blair said, looking down at her menu. "I've been busy with school and trying to find another internship….but things are good for the most part."
"I'm glad," Serena said, taking a sip of water. They sat in awkward silence for a few moments as they both studied the menu.
"So, how things with you? Dan told me you still haven't dropped the film school bomb yet," Blair said, closing her menu and looking up. "You know, Lily would probably feel better at this stage if she knew you had a plan for the future. Dan told me that she's worried about you."
Serena rolled her eyes. "So, she's using Dan as her messenger now," Serena said, feeling herself tense up.
"He told me you skipped the last two brunches," Blair said, shrugging. "Can you blame her for being worried? Plus, with Eric in California, you're leaving poor Dan alone with your crazy cousin at brunch. How are you even avoiding these anyhow? You're the one who lives there, not Dan."
"I'll tell her soon," Serena said tersely. "Can we drop the subject? I thought I was having lunch with my best friend, not my mom. Or Dan, for that matter."
"Fine. How are the applications going anyhow?" Blair asked.
"Good," Serena said, unable to hide her smile. "I got my first acceptance yesterday. I got into USC!"
"You applied to schools in California?" Blair asked sadly. "I just assumed you'd still go to school here in New York."
"I applied to schools in New York too," Serena told her. "But California is where most movies are filmed so there are a lot more opportunities to find jobs on set while I'm studying. Aren't you happy for me?"
Blair smiled at her, though Serena could tell it wasn't genuine. "Of course. Congratulations."
"Could you at least try to appear sincere?" Serena asked, rolling her eyes.
"Is it wrong that I'll miss my best friend? I just got you back, and now I might be losing you again," Blair said, pouting.
Serena sighed, feeling annoyed. She had hoped Blair would be more supportive. "Let's not get ahead of ourselves anyhow. No decisions have been made," Serena said, not wanting to get into an argument at that moment. "Anyhow, you're the first person I've told about the USC acceptance. I wasn't sure if I would really get in anywhere, so I'm really happy that it looks like I'll have at least one option."
"Ofcourse you got in," Blair scoffed, rolling her eyes. "Did you really think it wouldn't work out for you?"
Serena decided to ignore that comment, not wanting to open up that particular can of worms. She noticed that Blair was playing with her napkin and fidgeting in her seat, indicating that something else was probably wrong.
"B, are you sure you're okay? This isn't really all about me going away, is it?" Serena asked, feeling concerned. She had a feeling where both the tension and problem might lie. She took a deep breath and steeled herself to ask the inevitable follow -up. "Everything's good with you and Dan, right?"
Serena saw Blair glance down at the table, avoiding her eyes. "We're good," Blair said, smiling softly. "Really, we are."
Blair seemed sincere, but Serena could tell that something was bothering Blair. Even though Serena really didn't want a lot of details about Dan and Blair's relationship, she knew if they completely avoided the subject that over time it would just create a wedge between them.
"B, you can tell me anything, even if it's about Dan," Serena said, hoping she sounded sincere. "Did he do something? I promise whatever you say is between you and me."
"Dan didn't do anything wrong," Blair said. "Really, it's nothing."
"Blair, I can tell when something's bugging you. Spit it out, no matter how awkward it is. I figure I owe you from when I dated Nate," Serena said, shooting her a smile.
"Are you sure? " Blair asked hesitantly. "I think I need to talk to someone, but I don't want to make things even weirder between us. "
"I can't promise it won't be weird, but it's hard to be your best friend if we can't discuss your boyfriend," Serena pointed out, realizing the truth in the statement. It was a bit of a Catch-22. If they discussed Dan, it was awkward and he came between them. If they avoided the subject, Dan remained the elephant in the room and things were weird between them anyhow.
"Fine," Blair said reluctantly. "I'm not lying; things are going really well. It's just….I can't believe they're still going so well. We've been together almost three months now, and I can't imagine my life without him already. I didn't see this coming."
"You didn't see what coming?" Serena asked softly, tamping down the varying emotions running through her. She had a feeling where this was going, knowing how Blair's relationship history had scarred her over the years.
"When I first got together with Dan, I felt this great affection for him and I did want to be with him. But deep down, I think I always felt safe because I couldn't imagine that Dan Humphrey would ever have the power to hurt me, that maybe this time I'd be in control of the relationship," Blair admitted sheepishly. "I know that sounds terrible, but I really thought his feelings would fade too, that we had spent too much time together and just needed to get the hormonal urges out of our systems and then move on to more suitable people."
"So you were willing to risk our friendship on a guy you didn't think you'd love?" Serena asked sharply.
Blair sighed. "It's not that simple. I did really want to be with him, and I realized quickly that I loved him and needed him in my life. I guess I just didn't instantly feel the intensity of emotions for him that I've felt in the past…."
"I'm not sure I understand, B," Serena said. "That night I saw you guys…"
Serena was confused. The scene she'd witnessed on the piano had seemed intense, possibly more intense than any moment she herself had shared with Dan.
Serena was stunned to see that Blair actually blushed a little and looked down at the table. Blair was a lot of things, but shy was not one of them. She'd always been the one who was more comfortable talking about sex, which was somewhat ironic all things considered.
"That's just it. Somewhere along the line, I went from feeling great warmth and affection for him to pure animal lust," Blair said, a hint of a smirk forming on her face. "Lately, I've just wanted him constantly, and it doesn't seem to be going away. We've had sex in a closet the last three times we've gone to an event."
"Blair!" Serena said, her jaw dropping shock. Admittedly, she hadn't been expecting thatadmission. Composing herself, she couldn't help but smile at her friend. "And this is a bad thing, wanting him all the time?"
"No…" Blair started hesitantly, her eyes filling with tears. "I just feel out of control, like it's starting all over again…."
"Like what is?" Serena asked, knowing the answer but sensing that Blair needed to speak the words herself.
"That I'm getting into another all-consuming relationship, like with Chuck," Blair admitted, a stray tear escaping. "I really thought I was safe with Dan, but I can't control myself around him. I'm always the one pulling him into the closets. "
"Well, one time I did pull him into the jitney bathroom," Serena couldn't help but say. Predictably, Blair's nose scrunched up in response.
"Ugh, my affliction hasn't gotten that bad," Blair said, emitting a small giggle.
"Wait until you're on the jitney before you judge," Serena said, laughing. Then she grew serious, reaching across the table to grab Blair's hand.
"I think we'll avoid any jitney rides to be safe," Blair told her. Blair tilted her head slightly, in a move eerily reminiscent of Dan. "This isn't super weird for you?"
It was weird, and Serena also couldn't quite shake the little tinge of jealousy that arose. While she and Dan had had a significant relationship, she was beginning to see that it lacked the intensity of Dan and Blair's. However, she didn't want to lose her best friend over it, or Dan for that matter.
"It's like a band-aid, we probably just need to rip it off and go full force into the awkwardness," Serena said, shrugging. "Really, B, what is scaring you so much? It sounds like you're just in love."
Blair sighed, not meeting Serena's eyes. "I think it's possible that Dan has the power to crush me. The thing is, I actually trust him. I don't expect him to hurt me , so if he does it would be like getting punched in the gut."
Serena gave Blair's hand a small squeeze. "You know as well as I do that you have to take a risk that when you love someone," Serena said in an even tone, trying not to think too much about her own past with Dan and how much it hurt when they broke up. Serena smiled wistfully at her friend before continuing. "I think you and I also know that he's worth the risk. If it's any solace, I'm pretty sure you have the power to crush him too."
"Does it mean that I'm really far gone that I'm equally terrified of being the one to break his heart?"
"I'm afraid so," Serena told her with a wistful smile, shaking her head. She took a deep breath, trying to decide if she should impart some more advice or not. She didn't want to intrude on their relationship, or hit any of Blair's weak points, but knowing the two of them she could almost predict what would break them up someday. "Just watch yourself with the games and manipulations, B. There's nothing Dan hates more than being lied to."
"I'm done with that. Our relationship is nothing like my relationship with Chuck," Blair said defensively. Serena could see her begin to close herself off.
"Blair…." Serena started, not quite sure what she intended to say next.
"You think I can't change, that Chuck has ruined me for someone like Dan, don't you?" Blair snapped. Serena braced herself, knowing where this was likely going. "You were the one who thought I belonged with Chuck, even though he made me miserable. I can see why you think my relationship with Dan is doomed. "
"I didn't say that…." Serena said, trying to remain calm. "I just learned from my own mistakes with Nate….and Dan, and would hate for lies to break you and Dan up. I'm not saying you're lying to him now, but you know your first inclination isn't to be honest when you're backed against a wall."
"Thanks for the unsolicited advice," Blair sniffed. "I know you think I'm the same person I was in high school, but I'm not. Some of us do grow."
Serena tensed up, feeling the anger pulse through her body. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means you're still stuck on your high school boyfriend, even though he's mine now," Blair said coldly. "You're just lying in wait for me to screw this up, so I can go back to Chuck and be the person you think I am. Of course, I don't know why I worry about it. You'll lose interest in Dan soon enough, just like I'm sure you'll never actually step foot in film school."
"Enough," Serena snapped. "Are we seriously going back to this same fight we always have? You clearly don't think I've grown at all either. I can't believe you don't see that film school is different, that I finally think I've found my way. Dan gets it, why don't you?"
Blair stared back as if she'd been struck, and Serena instantly regretted the words but was still too angry and hurt to take them back. She saw Blair straighten up in her chair as she always did before delivering the deathblow.
"If you're so serious about the movie industry, maybe you should just get a head start and move back to L.A. before school starts in the fall," Blair said, shooting her an icy glare.
"Maybe I should," Serena sighed before standing up and placing cash on the table. "See you around, B."
After that ill-fated lunch, Serena didn't talk to Blair for several weeks. She didn't see Dan either, who apparently decided to abstain from family brunch to present a united front with Blair, even though Serena herself had been avoiding brunch for awhile. She had been hoping Dan would come to give her moral support to finally talk to her mom about the future, but Serena lost her nerve each week when Dan didn't arrive at brunch.
However, Serena decided today was finally the day, Dan or no Dan. She knew that Dan was caught in the middle, and that he was obligated to take Blair's side in their never-ending battle. Serena found it ironic that at one point Dan had thought Blair was the one unworthy of Serena's friendship. Serena was going to tell her mother that she had found her path, and that this path did not involve an Ivy League education.
Serena sat through a mostly silent brunch with her mom, Rufus and Charlie. Serena could sense that her mom and Rufus wondered about Dan's whereabouts, though Serena knew Rufus made occasional stops by the loft. Apparently, Rufus went over once and made waffles for Dan and Blair, an image which Serena couldn't help but grin at.
After the staff cleared their plates, Serena smiled at her mom. "Mom, can we talk alone for a few minutes?" Serena asked hesitantly.
"What's going on this time, Serena?" her mother said in an exasperated tone.
"Nothing bad, mom, I promise," she assured her.
"So this has nothing to do with why we haven't seen Dan around here," her mother said in a slightly accusatory tone.
"No, mom," Serena said, deciding to just ignore the Dan issue. "Please, I just need a few minutes."
Her mom softened. "I'm sorry, of course we can talk sweetheart," she finally said. Just then, her mother's phone rang. Her mother stared at the phone, puzzled. "It's from California, but it's not Mother…."
"Lily Humphrey," her mother said into the receiver. "Yes, I'm CeCe Rhodes' daughter."
Serena watched as her mother listened to the speaker on the other side, not saying a word. She saw her mother's eyes fill with tears, her free hand shaking slightly.
"What's going on?" Charlie asked, looking puzzled.
"I think something's wrong with Grandma," Serena said softly, in a voice barely above a whisper. Serena watched as Rufus stood up to stand behind her mother expectantly.
"I'll be in touch to sort out the details," her mother said before hanging up. She turned to Serena and her cousin, tears beginning to fall. Serena knew what was coming.
"It's your grandmother…." her mother choked out.
"She's dead, isn't she?" Serena blurted, tears spilling down her own face.
"I'm afraid so, honey," her mother said.
"What happens now?" Charlie asked, looking like she was in shock.
"I need to call your mother and the lawyers," her mother said distractedly.
Serena felt a wave of emotion crash over her, not believing her grandmother was really gone. She felt the urge to flee, to be anywhere but that apartment, trapped with her mother and Rufus, both of whom had up-and-down relationships with her grandmother.
"I'm sorry, I have to go," Serena said, feeling lost. She got up and practically ran to the elevator. When she got on the elevator, she felt some guilt leaving her cousin behind, but she just couldn't deal with worry about anyone else. She needed to get out of there.
Went Serena exited the building, she hailed a cab. Without thinking, she gave the driver the address to the loft.