updating photobucket
Im sitting here, its 12h35 and im updating my photobucket. it's been so long and the pictures really accumulate afer awhile. And then i have the horrible habit of taking pictures in this HUGE format so then they take forever to upload. Anyway, i've chosen tonight to finally sit down and do it. Lol.
So, I leave in two weeks. Im feeling sort of down today. Not really sad just like everything is old. Im excited to come home, its what ive wanted all year but now that it's happening, I think im scared. Im scared to make the big change back. It took so much effort, it was so hard, just getting used to being here and now I must change again. Going back scares me because I have changed so I expect things back home to be different too, but what if they aren't? If everything is the same, it will be cool at first but then I will be bored with it quickly and find myself wishing I was back in France. The Grass is always greener on the other side. I wanted to stay excited and motivated for life without having these drastic changes all the time to keep it exciting.
I feel the need to plan everything out. I want to have everything organized. But I cant do that, because from past experiences I know that things never work out exactly how you plan them so you risk disappointment. I dont want to be disappointed. I just want to go with the flow and have a rough draft of the future.
In these next two weeks im going to have to say goodbye to so many people. I wish I could skip over it. I like being here now, and I will like it when I come home, but saying goodbye is so hard. It's hard because when I say it now i wont really feel the true effects until im already home and too far away to explain how much they really meant to me. Saying goodbye reminds me of when I left. I had a going away party and everyone was there, we were all hanging out and having a good time. There came a point when Christina had to leave. Christina, my best friend through high school, gone through so much together, loved each other, hated each other, but in the end: my best friend. This summer had been rough, we weren't on the best of terms, but that doesnt mean anything. I had to say goodbye to my closest friend, for almost a year. She was crying, and I was emotionless. Not because I didnt care, but because it hadnt hit me yet. I remember apologizing to her for seeming so inconsiderate, so untouched, so uncaring. That was not at all the case. I knew it was the goodbye for a long time but I wasnt feeling it yet. But I felt it for the next three months, she just wasnt there to see me cry. When I say goodbye to my friends here, it will probably be the same. Except this time its different. Im going to see Christina again, in a few months. But when I say goodbye here, it is most likely that it is the goodbye for a lifetime. How do you say goodbye to someone like that? How do you thank them for being part of your life and helping you through one of the most difficult times you've ever had? How can you thank them for a friendship that has changed you forever? I mean, at least I have the luck to be able to consider such things. Sometimes people dont get a chance to say goodbye to loved ones and friends.
I think this year has really made me value friendships and just relationships in general between people. Our whole life we will meet people who may or may not change our lives, but will at least have an effect. And we go through life meeting these people and then saying goodbye. Whether its because we are all going back to our homes in different corners of the world or because we lost touch after high school. It is sad, but happy at the same time. Frienship is such an amazing thing. So is family. They should never be taken for granted or forgotten. We can survive on our own but life is so much more beautiful if you go through it with others. Sure, everyday is not wonderful but these people are there to pick you up and make it better.
I dont want to be mean anymore. I dont want to be hateful. Ever. In general im not, but we all have our moments. And I want to not have my moments. But I guess its part of being human. Im not regretting the mistakes ive made. Im apologizing and then thanking God for helping me learn from it to become a better person.
So, I leave in two weeks. Im feeling sort of down today. Not really sad just like everything is old. Im excited to come home, its what ive wanted all year but now that it's happening, I think im scared. Im scared to make the big change back. It took so much effort, it was so hard, just getting used to being here and now I must change again. Going back scares me because I have changed so I expect things back home to be different too, but what if they aren't? If everything is the same, it will be cool at first but then I will be bored with it quickly and find myself wishing I was back in France. The Grass is always greener on the other side. I wanted to stay excited and motivated for life without having these drastic changes all the time to keep it exciting.
I feel the need to plan everything out. I want to have everything organized. But I cant do that, because from past experiences I know that things never work out exactly how you plan them so you risk disappointment. I dont want to be disappointed. I just want to go with the flow and have a rough draft of the future.
In these next two weeks im going to have to say goodbye to so many people. I wish I could skip over it. I like being here now, and I will like it when I come home, but saying goodbye is so hard. It's hard because when I say it now i wont really feel the true effects until im already home and too far away to explain how much they really meant to me. Saying goodbye reminds me of when I left. I had a going away party and everyone was there, we were all hanging out and having a good time. There came a point when Christina had to leave. Christina, my best friend through high school, gone through so much together, loved each other, hated each other, but in the end: my best friend. This summer had been rough, we weren't on the best of terms, but that doesnt mean anything. I had to say goodbye to my closest friend, for almost a year. She was crying, and I was emotionless. Not because I didnt care, but because it hadnt hit me yet. I remember apologizing to her for seeming so inconsiderate, so untouched, so uncaring. That was not at all the case. I knew it was the goodbye for a long time but I wasnt feeling it yet. But I felt it for the next three months, she just wasnt there to see me cry. When I say goodbye to my friends here, it will probably be the same. Except this time its different. Im going to see Christina again, in a few months. But when I say goodbye here, it is most likely that it is the goodbye for a lifetime. How do you say goodbye to someone like that? How do you thank them for being part of your life and helping you through one of the most difficult times you've ever had? How can you thank them for a friendship that has changed you forever? I mean, at least I have the luck to be able to consider such things. Sometimes people dont get a chance to say goodbye to loved ones and friends.
I think this year has really made me value friendships and just relationships in general between people. Our whole life we will meet people who may or may not change our lives, but will at least have an effect. And we go through life meeting these people and then saying goodbye. Whether its because we are all going back to our homes in different corners of the world or because we lost touch after high school. It is sad, but happy at the same time. Frienship is such an amazing thing. So is family. They should never be taken for granted or forgotten. We can survive on our own but life is so much more beautiful if you go through it with others. Sure, everyday is not wonderful but these people are there to pick you up and make it better.
I dont want to be mean anymore. I dont want to be hateful. Ever. In general im not, but we all have our moments. And I want to not have my moments. But I guess its part of being human. Im not regretting the mistakes ive made. Im apologizing and then thanking God for helping me learn from it to become a better person.