My Positivity Report Card
Sorting out the life….
Being my 5th day back from Toronto, I’m going to reflect at where I am and where I’m going in scorecard fashion.
Employment - Positivity rating 10+/10
Before my trip to Toronto I was finishing things up with the biggest source of negativity in my life, my employment with ‘the treehouse of horrors’. There were no tears, goodbyes, presents, goodbye lunches… the executive VP walked right past me as he was leaving the door… and I decided to leave it in a positive way by professionally thanking everyone for their assistance over the past 16 months via email. There is no point in leaving negativity by being negative.
I started my new job on Monday and I’m in love with it. I have a corner office that overlooks the bridges, water and northshore mountains and everyone comes by my office hourly to tell me how awesome I am, how great I look that day and to generally make me feel wonderful. I’ve been already taken out for lunch by ‘the girls’ and chatted up by most of ‘the boys’. Today I am wearing jeans… jeans! I haven’t worn jeans to a job in… ummmm…ever?
Goals:
1. To fully evaluate the pitfalls that I fell into in previous employment situations and to prove to myself and others that I am intelligent and eager enough to grow professionally.
2. To reevaluate my schooling with BCIT and consider catering it to help me grow in my present position and fit my future goals in disability management.
Friendships - Positivity rating 8/10
This is a biggie. A lot of changes happened in Toronto.
Friendships reevaluated: During my first day I had a falling out with one of my most dramatic of best friends. To be fair, he has been one of the biggest negative forces in my life not only as of late but continually over the past 10 years and I think that my journey to self improvement bores him. To find myself continually having to walk on eggshells so that I don’t tick him off has been a challenge and to have him disown me as a friend for crying was probably been something coming for a while. Meh.
Friendships gained: Before I went to Toronto I did state that I was on a mission to release a lot of negativity with previous highschool friends. This was not only negativity that surrounded the demise of our friendship but also the judgment I had felt after sexual abuses that had happened at that time. Although I almost chickened out and cancelled our meeting, I did decide that I had to do it (as I needed to be released from the nightmares I was suffering since they contacted me via facebook). I’m pleased to report that the ringleader and one of my greatest mates at the time did take me out for dinner and what turned into more than a few drinks… at one point I was lucky enough to have the ringleader take me to the bar for a zambucca shot and apologize to my face for her disrespect to me during the situation. She said she didn’t have an excuse and realized that she was displacing on me a lot of anger she was experiencing at the time onto me. I got to forgive her verbally and we continued to get obliterated over the course of the night to rekindle our friendship.
My friendship to others reevaluated: Am I being the best friend that I can be to all my friends? Am I being there for them as much as they have been there for me?? I have written notes/emails to a lot of friends in Toronto who have been a big influence in my voyage for self betterment. It is my belief that it is important to tell people either verbally or in writing how much they mean to you. DEAR LIVEJOURNAL FRIENDS, YOU MEAN THE WORLD TO ME. I WOULDN’T BE WHO I AM OR BE ON THIS COURSE OF CLEANING UP MY LIFE RIGHT NOW IF IT WASN’T FOR YOUR HELP AND GUIDANCE. I really mean that.
Goals:
1. To be the best friend I can be both to others and myself.
2. To make sure that I tell my friends exactly what they mean to me and to help them meet the goals that they have set for themselves.
3. To evaluate fully the negative forces in my life and to ensure that I’m not a negative force in anyone else’s.
Men - Positivity rating: 6.8/10
Positive changes have been releasing all the guilt that I’ve been experiencing over the years about my first rape. When my old friend told me that she didn’t judge me but was judging herself for things going on her life at the time and deflecting it on me, I realized that the only person that was looking at me negatively was myself. I have forgiven her and more importantly I have forgiven myself.
As far as dating goes, even though I said that I was going to get back on the horse when I came back home I have decided that I’m just going to remove myself from it all together for a while. I got to cry my eyes out on the shoulder of some of my best mates and am now back on course with solitary journey of self improvement. Heck, I’ve gone 6 months without any nookie nookie so maybe another 6 months won’t hurt.
Questions that have been bouncing around in my head: What do I have to offer anyone? Do I apologize too much for things that aren’t my fault? Am I so afraid that someone will leave me that I’m too afraid to make mistakes and take chances? What have I taken from my experiences as of late that I can carry over and better prepare myself for the next encounter? Are all people meant to meet someone or are some people just meant to carry on through their voyage through life alone? Am I a good person? Really…this is a question that I ask myself daily as of late so that I can challenge myself to be of better value to others around me.
Goals:
1. To just be me (because I am crazy and that is fantastic).
2. To not be so hard on myself when things don’t work (ie. don’t take it personally) but move on from it taking from it all the positive things.
3. To get over the feeling that I'm not good enough for anyone..
Self Fulfillment - Positivity Rating 8/10
I feel that my course of action over the past 16 (almost 17) months has been a good one. Close friends have told me that they have seen a change in me and admire my course of action towards self fulfillment and Positivity. I know I could have never achieved what I have in Toronto so I can conclude that moving to Vancouver was the right decision and is my home. What could make my self fulfillment a higher score?
- To use my time more wisely.
- To challenge my creativity… perhaps find a social group that meets once or twice a week to do creative things?
- To concentrate more about how I perceive myself than how others perceive me unless I am not being there for a friend
- To get back into being more physically active. (Though I do walk 45 minute each way to work now… NO MORE BUS PASS!)