(no subject)
I'm not getting better, I'm only getting worse. Today I had to force myself out of bed and went running... but that was a disaster. I've never been in that much pain running before. I came home and went up to my room and laid on my back on the floor to do some exercises, and I found myself in the exact same position ten minutes later. I didn't move at all, I didn't want to move. And that scared me. This is the worst I've ever been and I don't think - no, I know it can get so much worse. And that scares me. The only time I feel any kind of motivation is at the end of the day; "Oh, that's okay. I'll do this and that and that, too, tomorrow. It'll all be okay tomorrow. Next week. By the end of the summer, I will be awesome." And I'm trying, I really am, to better myself, but all these hoops keep popping up and I'm having a hard time getting what I'm convinced will make me better, or at least help me get there.
And at the same time I feel like there's no one I can talk to about this; I'd just be bothering them all. Hah, them all, like there are so many people I can really, would really open up to about everything. Now that I think of it, there is only one person I really, really want to talk to. But we don't talk. We haven't really ever talked about things this heavy, this deep ever. We were that close, our friendship could have stuck it out as it was until now. At least I think we were in that direction, but then I became me - or not me, I'm not entirely sure now - and we grew apart, we had separate friends. We could have been such great friends. But I fucked it up. Me. All me. It wasn't your fault. I always told myself we BOTH grew apart from EACH OTHER, but no, thinking about it, it's not your fault. It's me, all me. It was and is. And now, now that we want to be involved it that way we could have grown into but are now forcing ourselves to be, more as an extension of our [nonexistent] relationship now.... it's not working. For me. I need something better than this. Not better than you, because you're a pretty damn good guy (as far as I know, and had I not drifted away, I would be able to know you so, so much better). What's harder is that I have no idea where this is going... and I definitely don't want to end it. But... does being together and now hurt as much as not being together entirely?
I have to stop. Not because I'm done but because I took a sleeping pill half an hour ago and it's starting to effect me. But this is merely a snippet of what's been running through my mind all day. I don't know why I'm posting this so publicly... I was going to write all of this in my personal journal but I think part of me knows there's no point? I don't know. I don't know....
And at the same time I feel like there's no one I can talk to about this; I'd just be bothering them all. Hah, them all, like there are so many people I can really, would really open up to about everything. Now that I think of it, there is only one person I really, really want to talk to. But we don't talk. We haven't really ever talked about things this heavy, this deep ever. We were that close, our friendship could have stuck it out as it was until now. At least I think we were in that direction, but then I became me - or not me, I'm not entirely sure now - and we grew apart, we had separate friends. We could have been such great friends. But I fucked it up. Me. All me. It wasn't your fault. I always told myself we BOTH grew apart from EACH OTHER, but no, thinking about it, it's not your fault. It's me, all me. It was and is. And now, now that we want to be involved it that way we could have grown into but are now forcing ourselves to be, more as an extension of our [nonexistent] relationship now.... it's not working. For me. I need something better than this. Not better than you, because you're a pretty damn good guy (as far as I know, and had I not drifted away, I would be able to know you so, so much better). What's harder is that I have no idea where this is going... and I definitely don't want to end it. But... does being together and now hurt as much as not being together entirely?
I have to stop. Not because I'm done but because I took a sleeping pill half an hour ago and it's starting to effect me. But this is merely a snippet of what's been running through my mind all day. I don't know why I'm posting this so publicly... I was going to write all of this in my personal journal but I think part of me knows there's no point? I don't know. I don't know....