Am I second-guessing my thesis topic?
I'm trying to get my thoughts down on paper... and give myself a pep talk at the same time...
So lately, I have been having a super fun time going on field trips: behind the scenes tours of museums for class credit, guys! I love my program! However, in addition to my classwork (especially readings but also research proposals) and TA duties (these past two weeks involving marking their first five-page assignment), I have also been stressing out about proposals and applications for scholarships. I just finished the application for the Ontario Graduate Scholarship (OGS) and now I'll take a break for a day or two before leaping into the one for the Social Sciences and Humanities Research Council (SSHRC), which is slightly more prestigious and involves more money but is far more difficult to get. I'm going to do my best, and I am trying to think positive!
See, my "problem", if you can call it that, is that I'm starting my research project almost from scratch. I was really big into the History of Medicine during my undergrad at the University of Alberta, and I loved it. I had an amazing supervisor, had access to tremendous amounts of resources, and was confident in my writing style.
I chose to attend Carleton University mainly because I think that its awesome Public History program will help prepare me to get a job in museums, because material history (AKA artifacts, photographs, posters, etc.,etc.) is one of the most interesting things in the world to me. I also jumped at the chance to live in Ottawa, our nation's beautiful capital. And I don't regret that decision.
However, because there are no professors who specialize in the history of medicine at Carleton, I had to choose a different topic than American Civil War Medicine. No problem, as I am hugely interested in Canadian history as well. I think that I have settled on a topic to do with tourism to Western Canada (mostly the Rocky Mountains) up to the 1930s. I find the history of tourism, the early history of the automobile, and the history of photography quite fascinating. That's what I have to keep reminding myself.
See, the problem is that I have been rushing around gathering documents and secondary sources for the benefit of short, one or two page proposals for scholarships, where I have to sound like I have already done years of research amassing a body of work on the subject, when in fact I have done ridiculous amounts of reading but nowhere enough to make me feel like I have a comprehensive knowledge on the subject. I spent two years researching Civil War medicine, and I could talk your ear off for over an hour about the nuances of surgery, anaesthesia, miasma theory, etc. I felt confident.
I feel I've lost that confidence. Maybe it's because I feel a little bit homesick for Alberta (and super jealous of kuiskata, currently in Rouen, my old city), coupled with the stress of the routine of grad school and trying to feel like an adult, living on my own and having to pay rent on limited funds and so on... and it doesn't help that I haven't had the chance to do the primary source research I really want to do just yet.
I am sure my feelings will change. I mean, I am doing research every day and learning a lot. A lot of my classes have assigned readings on tourism theory, and a research project I'm doing for another class will be tangentially related to my topic (a certain shipwreck from the immediate pre-First World War period which involves tourism and the CPR line), so I am doubling up my research. And I'll have all summer and next year to mostly do research and write my thesis, in between an internship and a teaching assistant position, respectively. I will fall back in love with my topic, I hope.
I just can't help but think of what could have been. I mean, it only recently occurred to me that I could have asked one of the Americanist historians to be my supervisor (I am working for one as a TA, for instance, and he is awesome). They don't have to specialize in the history of medicine, just that time period of American history.
But have I already exhausted my research on Civil War medicine? Does Carleton have the same kind of resources as the U of A did? (I'm thinking not, judging by what I know of the library - which is under construction anyhow - services here.) But a lot of Civil War era documents are available digitally now... But my research project does have to be related to the idea of presenting history to the public, so unless I were to talk about Civil War reinactors or museums or something like that...
I also really really like and respect my current (Western Canadian aboriginal history) research supervisor. He has been immensely helpful, friendly and knowledgeable... I just feel intimidated. I don't feel like I can speak on the subject of First Nations' history with nearly as much authority as I can about the history of medicine. Maybe it's because I'm afraid of making a wrong step into a political minefield. Maybe it's because I got some negative comments once, years ago, on an otherwise solid paper (I did get a B+) on aboriginal history in the fur trade, and I'm worried that everyone who reads my work on the subject will think the same thing as that one professor did... which wasn't even that bad! Some comments made by authority figures just stick with you, long after they've forgotten they've even said them to you.
Maybe I'll just abandon the study of postcards and look into stereoscope images instead. I don't know. Maybe I'll run to automotive history instead. I enjoy talking about (and driving) older cars.
I have no idea if any of what I have written here makes sense to an outside point of view. I just feel a bit insecure about my topic. I'm sure that that will change as I do more and more reading. I just have to remind myself that I'm in an awesome program that will take me places, that has already gotten me living in a beautiful city, in close relation to the National Archives and a cohort of awesome museums, that I do actually enjoy looking and researching postcards even though I haven't had a chance to look at many yet, and that I will write an awesome research project when I finally get the chance, and I just have to get through this rough patch: a month of finishing a difficult scholarship proposal/application process, getting through my TA work, writing research proposals for term papers, and of course keeping up with a (crushing) load of weekly readings.
I'm going to be okay. One foot in front of the other. I'm going to knock their socks off with my in-depth, thoughtful and original research on an awesome topic. I'll try not to let the stress get me down.
So lately, I have been having a super fun time going on field trips: behind the scenes tours of museums for class credit, guys! I love my program! However, in addition to my classwork (especially readings but also research proposals) and TA duties (these past two weeks involving marking their first five-page assignment), I have also been stressing out about proposals and applications for scholarships. I just finished the application for the Ontario Graduate Scholarship (OGS) and now I'll take a break for a day or two before leaping into the one for the Social Sciences and Humanities Research Council (SSHRC), which is slightly more prestigious and involves more money but is far more difficult to get. I'm going to do my best, and I am trying to think positive!
See, my "problem", if you can call it that, is that I'm starting my research project almost from scratch. I was really big into the History of Medicine during my undergrad at the University of Alberta, and I loved it. I had an amazing supervisor, had access to tremendous amounts of resources, and was confident in my writing style.
I chose to attend Carleton University mainly because I think that its awesome Public History program will help prepare me to get a job in museums, because material history (AKA artifacts, photographs, posters, etc.,etc.) is one of the most interesting things in the world to me. I also jumped at the chance to live in Ottawa, our nation's beautiful capital. And I don't regret that decision.
However, because there are no professors who specialize in the history of medicine at Carleton, I had to choose a different topic than American Civil War Medicine. No problem, as I am hugely interested in Canadian history as well. I think that I have settled on a topic to do with tourism to Western Canada (mostly the Rocky Mountains) up to the 1930s. I find the history of tourism, the early history of the automobile, and the history of photography quite fascinating. That's what I have to keep reminding myself.
See, the problem is that I have been rushing around gathering documents and secondary sources for the benefit of short, one or two page proposals for scholarships, where I have to sound like I have already done years of research amassing a body of work on the subject, when in fact I have done ridiculous amounts of reading but nowhere enough to make me feel like I have a comprehensive knowledge on the subject. I spent two years researching Civil War medicine, and I could talk your ear off for over an hour about the nuances of surgery, anaesthesia, miasma theory, etc. I felt confident.
I feel I've lost that confidence. Maybe it's because I feel a little bit homesick for Alberta (and super jealous of kuiskata, currently in Rouen, my old city), coupled with the stress of the routine of grad school and trying to feel like an adult, living on my own and having to pay rent on limited funds and so on... and it doesn't help that I haven't had the chance to do the primary source research I really want to do just yet.
I am sure my feelings will change. I mean, I am doing research every day and learning a lot. A lot of my classes have assigned readings on tourism theory, and a research project I'm doing for another class will be tangentially related to my topic (a certain shipwreck from the immediate pre-First World War period which involves tourism and the CPR line), so I am doubling up my research. And I'll have all summer and next year to mostly do research and write my thesis, in between an internship and a teaching assistant position, respectively. I will fall back in love with my topic, I hope.
I just can't help but think of what could have been. I mean, it only recently occurred to me that I could have asked one of the Americanist historians to be my supervisor (I am working for one as a TA, for instance, and he is awesome). They don't have to specialize in the history of medicine, just that time period of American history.
But have I already exhausted my research on Civil War medicine? Does Carleton have the same kind of resources as the U of A did? (I'm thinking not, judging by what I know of the library - which is under construction anyhow - services here.) But a lot of Civil War era documents are available digitally now... But my research project does have to be related to the idea of presenting history to the public, so unless I were to talk about Civil War reinactors or museums or something like that...
I also really really like and respect my current (Western Canadian aboriginal history) research supervisor. He has been immensely helpful, friendly and knowledgeable... I just feel intimidated. I don't feel like I can speak on the subject of First Nations' history with nearly as much authority as I can about the history of medicine. Maybe it's because I'm afraid of making a wrong step into a political minefield. Maybe it's because I got some negative comments once, years ago, on an otherwise solid paper (I did get a B+) on aboriginal history in the fur trade, and I'm worried that everyone who reads my work on the subject will think the same thing as that one professor did... which wasn't even that bad! Some comments made by authority figures just stick with you, long after they've forgotten they've even said them to you.
Maybe I'll just abandon the study of postcards and look into stereoscope images instead. I don't know. Maybe I'll run to automotive history instead. I enjoy talking about (and driving) older cars.
I have no idea if any of what I have written here makes sense to an outside point of view. I just feel a bit insecure about my topic. I'm sure that that will change as I do more and more reading. I just have to remind myself that I'm in an awesome program that will take me places, that has already gotten me living in a beautiful city, in close relation to the National Archives and a cohort of awesome museums, that I do actually enjoy looking and researching postcards even though I haven't had a chance to look at many yet, and that I will write an awesome research project when I finally get the chance, and I just have to get through this rough patch: a month of finishing a difficult scholarship proposal/application process, getting through my TA work, writing research proposals for term papers, and of course keeping up with a (crushing) load of weekly readings.
I'm going to be okay. One foot in front of the other. I'm going to knock their socks off with my in-depth, thoughtful and original research on an awesome topic. I'll try not to let the stress get me down.