(no subject)
I admitted today, to my good friend T that I am in a slump. Work is taking over my life, or so it seems and I don't adore my housing situation anymore. However, in the midst of my slump I know I am profoundly blessed and I have no reason to feel the way I do...but all logic seems to slip from my mind when I feel like this. I just want a place where I can just be...just relax and feel supported. It's only when I'm praying or just feeling the awesomeness of God that I can be relaxed. But lately, those times aren't very frequent and I'm living in a Christian household! Sigh...all I can do is sigh and just be patient, and of course praise God in the midst of it all. Although, as I write this I am trying to work out exactly why I feel like I’m in a slump... like there has to be some real, tangible reasons why I am feeling this way. I'm a big believer in speaking about your reality so that you can truly tackle it, and not leaving things in the dark to fester. I also know that I have a strong tendency to harp on things, which is why right now as I type, I'm also asking my friend T why she's feeling the same. I figure, if I can help her I will help myself...being involved with her issues lets me escape my own.
This job of mine is incredibly frustrating for so many reasons, but the most important reason is that I don't feel like I’m doing my best. I'm used to excelling, or at least targeting a challenge with a sure fire plan of success. I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed, hence my lack of grammar and spelling skills, but I have always been in the top 5%...always. And if I wasn't, I knew it wasn't that I couldn't do it but it was simply that I failed to try. So for me, being at this job and excelling within the first 3 months and then attending some training, coming back and sucking...it's a humbling experience. The fear in me has made me start looking for another job, although I want to stick this out and I also know that it's rare to get paid as much in an entry level position. I know pay isn't everything, but with all my plans of travel and what have you...I just can't go back to making less than 40k. Finally, I'm able to save a great deal, but pay my tithes, have money for acting, french lessons and voice lessons. So I dunno what to do besides pray and ask God for there to be some changes in my productivity at work. Or at least a more positive outlook from me. The fact is, I am blessed to have a job with flexible hours, a supportive boss, free food and good pay. I am so blessed and don't deserve to be, so I need to praise God for that and have faith that He will allow doors to open if I depend on Him. For instance, I'm thinking about moving to NYC later this year and I know that in order to do it I need to be making at least 50k....to live well at least. Well, my job will allow me to transfer and we have another school in NYC.... I just need to apply for jobs there, etc. However, there is so much convenience in that, and I know that if it's God's will He will open that door.
This housing situation of mine is truly as ideal as it gets. I live in a huge flat, great neighborhood and don't pay a crazy amount for rent. I also live with other Christians, and generally can feel pretty supported within the house. Yet since everything happened with my housemates boyfriend (see previous 2 blogs), I feel apprehensive about coming home. I don't trust anyone, well mostly everyone because who knows where the next offense will be from. My heart is so guarded towards the house, I don't want to participate or give anything to the house right now and I know if I follow through with it all then my next step will be leaving. I just feel so betrayed, because never did I think I would sign up for a Christian household and be treated like this. I didn't sign up for this and am very hurt and disappointed with the experience. I also took over the leadership of the house when the old leader almost moved out, because I knew no one else would step up. Now I'm burnt out and not interested, I am just so tired of caring so much about how other people feel. Like having to constantly worry about how this effects whomever, or is this person going to be okay with this...I just don't have the energy. I don't...I feel drained and don't want to participate in this charade anymore. I don't know if I believe in it and I just don't feel comfortable here anymore. I put an ad up for my room today, and am contacting different churches to post ad's with them. Maybe I’m too old for this type of living situation or maybe I’m too intolerant to live with people who can't voice their own opinions, don't follow through, and believe wholeheartedly that what they feel is also valid to me. And on top of it all, one girl is moving out and now we're stuck with her portion of the rent! I just want to leave...I just don't know what to think at this point and I need to spend some time with God to feel a bit better. My body even aches with all of this...I'm heading to bed and will write more in the morning.
This job of mine is incredibly frustrating for so many reasons, but the most important reason is that I don't feel like I’m doing my best. I'm used to excelling, or at least targeting a challenge with a sure fire plan of success. I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed, hence my lack of grammar and spelling skills, but I have always been in the top 5%...always. And if I wasn't, I knew it wasn't that I couldn't do it but it was simply that I failed to try. So for me, being at this job and excelling within the first 3 months and then attending some training, coming back and sucking...it's a humbling experience. The fear in me has made me start looking for another job, although I want to stick this out and I also know that it's rare to get paid as much in an entry level position. I know pay isn't everything, but with all my plans of travel and what have you...I just can't go back to making less than 40k. Finally, I'm able to save a great deal, but pay my tithes, have money for acting, french lessons and voice lessons. So I dunno what to do besides pray and ask God for there to be some changes in my productivity at work. Or at least a more positive outlook from me. The fact is, I am blessed to have a job with flexible hours, a supportive boss, free food and good pay. I am so blessed and don't deserve to be, so I need to praise God for that and have faith that He will allow doors to open if I depend on Him. For instance, I'm thinking about moving to NYC later this year and I know that in order to do it I need to be making at least 50k....to live well at least. Well, my job will allow me to transfer and we have another school in NYC.... I just need to apply for jobs there, etc. However, there is so much convenience in that, and I know that if it's God's will He will open that door.
This housing situation of mine is truly as ideal as it gets. I live in a huge flat, great neighborhood and don't pay a crazy amount for rent. I also live with other Christians, and generally can feel pretty supported within the house. Yet since everything happened with my housemates boyfriend (see previous 2 blogs), I feel apprehensive about coming home. I don't trust anyone, well mostly everyone because who knows where the next offense will be from. My heart is so guarded towards the house, I don't want to participate or give anything to the house right now and I know if I follow through with it all then my next step will be leaving. I just feel so betrayed, because never did I think I would sign up for a Christian household and be treated like this. I didn't sign up for this and am very hurt and disappointed with the experience. I also took over the leadership of the house when the old leader almost moved out, because I knew no one else would step up. Now I'm burnt out and not interested, I am just so tired of caring so much about how other people feel. Like having to constantly worry about how this effects whomever, or is this person going to be okay with this...I just don't have the energy. I don't...I feel drained and don't want to participate in this charade anymore. I don't know if I believe in it and I just don't feel comfortable here anymore. I put an ad up for my room today, and am contacting different churches to post ad's with them. Maybe I’m too old for this type of living situation or maybe I’m too intolerant to live with people who can't voice their own opinions, don't follow through, and believe wholeheartedly that what they feel is also valid to me. And on top of it all, one girl is moving out and now we're stuck with her portion of the rent! I just want to leave...I just don't know what to think at this point and I need to spend some time with God to feel a bit better. My body even aches with all of this...I'm heading to bed and will write more in the morning.